- Mathematics breakthrough: 6-year research in Princeton shows area of circle equals pi r squared

- SETI finally installs firewalls to reduce E.T's spam signals, Seth Shostak not interested in buying cheap galactic _V1A6RA*

- Bill Gates spends all money to buy everyone a donut

- George Carlin teams up with Jesus to fight evil.

- Britney Spears sets new benchmark for human developement.

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A slight inclination of the cranium is as adequate as a spasmodic movement of one optic towards an equinine quadruped utterly devoid of any visionary capacity.