Some hoax-believers seem to be so po-faced and deadly serious about their pursuit of a conspiracy that they are quite put out and think it most inappropriate when they come across the astronauts cracking jokes. It's time we socked it to them.

Following are just a few examples that I like. Much of the humour is very subtle, dry, and consists of digs at crewmates or "in jokes" about other missions. Some are taken from "First on the Moon - A Voyage with Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, Edwin E. Aldrin Jr", written with Gene Farmer and Dora Jane Hamblin, epilogue by Arthur C. Clark. Michael Joseph Ltd, London (1970). Others are from the Apollo Lunar Surface Journal and the Spacecraft Films DVDs.

Please post your own favourites. Good references would be handy.


Apollo 11 - TV Transmission, GET33:59 - Star Charts
Part from "First on the Moon," page 135.
Times shown are from Spacecraft Films' Apollo 11 DVD No. 1 - Fly Me to the Moon - Television Transmissions 10:32 GET and 33:59 GET - Chapters 7 and 8.
59:35 Houston (Duke): Looks like a star chart coming into view now, over.
59:40 Collins: Yeah, those are Buzz's two star charts that he is using right now as sunshades over the right-hand window, window number five.
59:49 Houston (Duke): Roger. We see the sun shining in through it behind him [Buzz] and blotting out the equatorial - correction, ecliptic - plane, and the stars that you're using for the navigation.
1:00:02 Aldrin: You're right.
1:00:04 Collins: He doesn't really need the charts. He's got them memorized. This is just for show.
1:00:09 Houston (Duke - with a slight snigger): We copy.

Apollo 11 - During the translunar coast - Hands off!
"First on the Moon" pages 133 and 149.
Times shown are from Spacecraft Films' Apollo 11 DVD No. 1 - Fly Me to the Moon - Probe removal and LM checkout 55:08 GET - Chapter 12.
Collins: I'm not going to let these LM guys play with my DSKY [pronounced disky] any more.
Houston (Duke): You sound like you'd better protect it.
Later:
1:24:31 Houston (Duke): Is Collins going to go in [to the LM] and look around?
1:24:40 Armstrong: We're willing to let him go but he hasn't come up with the price of the ticket yet.
1:24:44 Houston (Duke): Rog. I'd advise him to keep his hands off the switches.
1:24:51 Collins: If I can get them to keep their hands off my DSKY it'd be a fair swap.
1:24:56 Houston (Duke): Roger.

Apollo 11 - Loss of communications
Seventeen minutes before the lunar module Eagle commences powered descent to the first manned lunar landing, Capcom Charlie Duke advises Mike Collins in the command module Columbia that Houston expects to temporarily lose communications with him via the high gain antenna.
102:16:00 Duke: Columbia, Houston. We expect to lose your high gain during the powered descent. Over.
102:16:19 Collins: Columbia. Roger. You don't much care do you?
102:16:22 Duke: No, sir.

Apollo 11 - Aldrin egress
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 11 DVD No. 2 - EVA Part 1 - Chapter 5 - 20:53 and 21:13
109:41:28 Aldrin: Okay. Now I want to back up and partially close the hatch. (Long Pause) (Wryly Making sure not to lock it on my way out.
109:41:53 Armstrong: (Laughs) A particularly good thought.
[The hatch can be opened from the outside, if necessary. The reason for almost closing the hatch is, I believe, to prevent radiative cooling of the cabin. Neither Neil or Buzz remembered any specific reason.]
[Armstrong - (Straight-faced) "To avoid having somebody say 'Were you born in a barn?'"]

Apollo 17 - EVA-1 - Taurus-Littrow valley
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 2 - EVA 1 - Deploying and Loading the Rover - 28:23
117:55:33 Cernan: Okay. On the plains of Taurus-Littrow. What a valley. I'd like to cut through here with a T-38 sometime.
[The T-38 is a supersonic jet aircraft and Gene is imagining roaring up the valley at about 500 knots.]
117:55:44 Schmitt: That'll be the day.
[Jack says that, here, his intent was to mimic John Wayne.]
117:55:46 Cernan: Yeah, it will.
[There being no air on the Moon in which to fly a T-38.]

Apollo 17 - EVA-1 - Station 1 - Get Driving in Ten Minutes
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 1 - Station 1 - 16:33
122:22:37 Parker: And, 17; we'd like to have you guys... driving in 10 minutes, please.
122:22:45 Schmitt: Nag, nag, nag.
122:22:49 Parker: That's right, that's right, that's right.

Apollo 17 - EVA-1 - Sep site - Antennae Problems
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 1 - Sep Site - 2:19
122:56:51 Schmitt: Okay, I won't bore you with details on why you see the antenna all over the ground (chuckles), but it has to do with one-sixth g.
122:57:10 Parker: Roger, Jack. Understand you dropped a couple of the antenna reels.
[In Houston, Bob is being told that the antenna reels and wires can rapidly become a "Chinese Puzzle" unless they are untangled very carefully.]
122:57:13 Schmitt: ...More accurately, I dropped three of them.

Apollo 17 - EVA-1 - Sep site - More Antennae Problems
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 1 - Sep Site - 8:00
123:02:28 [Jack heads south; Gene drops his antenna.]
123:02:29 Cernan: Oh, (sub-vocally) [bad word deleted]...
123:02:34 Schmitt: (Taunting) Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Serves you right.
[Jack returns to the transmitter; Gene retrieves the antenna with his tongs.]

Apollo 17 - EVA-1 - Sep site - Appreciation
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 1 - Sep Site - 11:48
123:06:17 Parker: Yeah, the "locator" is really all you need; but a partial pan to show the area would be appreciated.
123:06:24 Cernan: Yeah, I'm here. I'm going to get a partial pan, Bob.
123:06:27 Parker: Okay.
123:06:32 Cernan: The only reason I'm doing it is I know it would be appreciated.

Apollo 17 - EVA-1 Close-out - Clear Seal
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 1 - Close-out - 4:48
123:22:56 Cernan: Bob, the seal is clear.
123:22:58 Parker: Beautiful.
123:23:02 Cernan: I don't know if it's beautiful, but it's clear.
123:23:06 Parker: It's clearly beautiful.

Apollo 17 - EVA-2 - Station 2, Nansen Crater - Flying Rock
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 2 - Station 2 - 45:17
143:30:55 Approximately: [Gene gets the hammer and knocks a piece off on the third stroke. The piece comes off to Gene's left and he tries to grab it. He manages to touch it and, in so doing, knocks it into Jack's left wrist. The fragment bounces off of Jack's wrist and slowly falls to the ground behind him.]
143:31:02 Cernan: See it?
143:31:03 Schmitt: Yeah. See it!? You hit me with it!
143:31:09 Cernan: Well, I tried to catch it. Bob, you still there?
143:31:14 Parker: Roger. Still there. Listening with great delight.

Apollo 17 - EVA-2 - Traverse to Station 3 - Alien tracks?
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 3 - EVA 2 - Traverse to Station 3 - 32:02
144:18:01 Schmitt: Hey! We crossed somebody's tracks!
144:18:07 Parker (over Gene): Hope they look like yours.

Apollo 17 - EVA-2 - Station 3, Ballet Crater - Jack Schmitt gives the crater its name
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 4 - EVA-2 - Station 3 - 20:09 and 25:50
144:50:46 Parker: Okay. We're ready now for your pan and don't forget your scoop.
144:50:52 Schmitt: I won't...Aaaahh! (Pause)
[Jack has knocked the SCB over, scattering full sample bags. He drops to his hands and knees, facing upslope, gets the SCB standing upright, retrieves the sample bags, and stows them in the SCB without getting up.]
144:51:05 Schmitt: You don't mind a little dirt here and there, do you, gang?
144:51:16 Parker: No.
[Jack leans back to get his PLSS over his heels and kicks upright. He makes it, but drops the SCB in the process. He goes to one knee to retrieve it but stumbles and falls on his chest. He gets up successfully and goes to the scoop.]
144:51:46 Cernan: Oh, dadgummit! (Pause) Well...
[From later evidence, Gene is having trouble re-attaching the rake to the extension handle. Meanwhile, Jack's unused sample bags have fallen off his camera again.]
144:51:53 Parker: Hey, Gene, would you go over and help Twinkletoes, please?
[Jack drops the SCB on the ground.]
A little later:
144:56:23 Parker: And be advised that the switchboard here at MSC (Manned Spacecraft Center, now the Johnson Space Center) has been lit up by calls from the Houston Ballet Foundation requesting your services for next season.
144:56:34 Schmitt: I should hope so.
144:56:39 ...[On camera, Jack is going for the gnomon. In response to Bob's 'Ballet' comment, he does two, big, one-footed hops on his right leg, with his left leg extended up and back, flexed at the knee. He is on the outer slope of the crater, hopping toward the rim. After the second hop, he loses his balance and falls on his hands and knees. Clearly, he is playing. Fendell pans away.]
144:56:46 Schmitt (Asking Bob about his ballet style): How's that?

Apollo 17 - EVA-2 - Station 4, Shorty Crater - Orange soil vs gray soil.
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 4 - EVA-2 - Station 4 - 12:30
145:36:14 Parker: 17, Houston. We'd like to get the double core here instead of the small can. Double core, please, instead of the small can.
145:36:23 Cernan: Okay.
145:36:24 Schmitt: Did you want it in the orange?
[A chorus of voices in Houston says "Yes".]
145:36:26 Parker: Roger. That's affirm. We can put cores in gray soil all the time.

Apollo 17 - EVA-2 - Close-out - 500mm Lens
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 4 - EVA-2 - Close-out - 24:19 to 25:03
Gene Cernan is taking photos of North Massif with the 500mm lens. Motion caused by the winder can been seen at the end of the lens.
147:38:21 Parker: …Tell Gene that we can confirm that his lens cover's off.
[As can be seen in the TV, the lens cap is hanging free, attached to the barrel of the lens with a strap. After finishing a sequence of South Massif photos, Gene turns his attention to the North Massif, taking a right-to-left sequence starting just west of Wessex Cleft. He actually does three sequences of the summit area and then finishes up with a sequence across the face of the mountain, starting to the left of the large boulder track. AS17-144- 22105 to 22132 are his North Massif pictures. Frame 22129 shows the boulder track.]
147:38:32 Schmitt: Okay. (To Gene) They confirm that your lens cover's off.
[Needless to say, Gene can hear Bob perfectly well. The humor here is exceedingly dry.]

Apollo 17 EVA-3 Traverse to Station 6 - Keep Station 8
Spacecraft Films' Apollo 17 DVD No. 4 - EVA-3 - Traverse to Station 6 - 24:23
164:36:19 Schmitt: I wouldn't eliminate Station 8 for the world - or the Moon - whatever's available today.


[Edited to improve readability and include finding aids for the Spacecraft Films DVDs.]

[Fixed greengrocer's apostrophe.]