A hippo's massive front teeth are useless for eating; their only purpose is as weapons.

Heinz ketchup has an official speed limit: 0.028mph

Bamboo can grow at speeds of 30 cm per day, or 0.0000007 miles an hour

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I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

It's gotten to the point where careful investigation is needed just to tell parody from reality. I think that means reality is broken.- Noclevername.