For the CLOWNS of the forum

[Chook]

.

[Tiny]

What is the meaning of life? <_< like this, 1 hit = bleeding>>>>http://www.fadudu.com/images/avatars/hg46.gif
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[jimmy]

:lol:

[Algenon the mouse]

Here is one of my favorites:

The preacher's Sunday sermon was," Forgive Your Enemies."

He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived those broads."

[Tom2Mars]

Question?
What do you get when you cross a Cosmologist with a Cosmetologist?

Answer: A really good looking universe.

[DippyHippy]

LOL!! :lol: I like... a joke for astronomers... :D

[Dan Luna]

Q: Why did NASA never send a woman to the Moon?

A: Because it doesn't need cleaning.

[Tinaa]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.


How do you catch tame rabbit.

Tame way...unique up on it.

[Juan D. Rodriguez]

Hi!

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun"

"What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth? The moon."

"What is more useful: the sun or the moon?
The moon, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it. "

And I´m sure you´ll enjoy this: :D :D :D :P
"Proof that the moon landings were faked"
http://www.stuffucanuse.com/fake_moon_land...on_landings.htm (http://www.stuffucanuse.com/fake_moon_landings/moon_landings.htm)

[Cambo]

Thanks for the link Juan,
Had a good giggle.

[madaboutyou]

Error 15
could not exit windows-
try the door

[Dave Mitsky]

A none-too-bright amateur astronomer had always wondered where the Sun went at nightfall so he spent an entire night pondering the answer to this question.

Suddenly it dawned on him.

Dave Mitsky

[Faulkner]

A neutron walks into a bar & orders a double bourbon & Coke.
Neutron: "How much?"
Bartender: "For you, no charge!"

[Tiny]

A robber and a smart man(kind of)
One day the Smart man was walking on the street, suddenly a M-man appear
M-man : Your life or your money $$$$?
S-man : what... my wife and my monkey?
M-man : Huury old man, give me your money or else I take away ur life?
S-man : what... take away my wife... she's home, you can call her.
M-man : :blink: You!!! :blink:
police come and M-man run away
Police : sir did you lost something :)
S-man : Oh, that man was so kind, he just want to say hello to my wife.

[slartibartfarst]

Speaking of solicitors...

Shipwreck, A Dentist, Doctor and Solicitor shipwrecked in a tropical sea, holding onto wreckage.

Great white shark circles the 3 , lunges in takes a big bite out of dentist.. next bite..doctor... next time circles solicitor , does nothing, goes home.

Why...

professional courtesy! :rolleyes:

[DippyHippy]

LOL Weasel, I liked the first one best :D

[zephyr46]

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army (http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html)

[Algenon the mouse]

That was good! I have not laugh so hard in a long time.

one of my favorites:



Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

[Weaselbunny]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Tears... actual tears! :lol: :lol:

So funny... now that's the type of person I'd love to meet.

[Powerman 5000]

Are you all clowns? as in the circus? wow i didn't know so many clowns were interested in space

[Faulkner]

Haven't you see "Killer Klowns From Outer Space"?

http://www.jackasscritics.com/images/movies/killer_klowns_01.jpg

[damienpaul]

OMG now i have seen it all

[DippyHippy]

ROTFLMAO Zeph - that soldier sounds like one of the characters from Private Benjamin LOL

[damienpaul]

that had better not be personal experience red rooster!

[DippyHippy]

Adding to what Weasel wrote, a lot of Essex girl jokes were adapted into Spice Girl jokes in the late 90's... such as...

A Spice Girl walks into a pub with a pig on a string. The barman takes one look at the pair and says in disgust, "good God, where'd you get that awful thing??"

"Won it in a raffle," says the pig :D

[Weaselbunny]

:lol: :lol: Donkey shame :lol: :lol:

A man from Hull, UK, was jailed for two years. He was busy with a goat on industrial wasteland when a train full of commuters went by!

It was in the papers with his name and everything... I doubt he could ever live in Hull again!

[Weaselbunny]

I dread to think!

The bear thing... nice, very nice :lol:

[TheThorn]

This joke actually got voted as the funniest joke in the world in a study a couple of years back.

These two Newfies (that's guys from Newfoundland for you non-Canadians out there - replace with what ever group makes sense locally) go hunting. As they're trudging through the bush, one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls over on the ground, motionless. The other one whips out his cell phone and dials 9-1-1.

"Yes sir, what's the problem?"

"Help me!! Help me!! My friend is dead!!" yells the Newfie.

"Calm down sir."

"But what should I do!! What do you want me to do!!!"

"O.K. Sir. First thing we have to do is make sure he's really dead."

<pause>

BANG!!!

[zephyr46]

http://www.jackasscritics.com/images/movies/killer_klowns_01.jpg

Yes I have faulkner!!

Second worse movie ever after Ed Woods "Plan 9 From Outer Space!" the worse movie, ever, any catagory. Though Igor and the Idiots was pretty god damm awful!

[Faulkner]

Algenon, you give a different slant on "head injury", ha ha!!!!! :P

Oh yeah, Zephyr46, "Igor & The Idiots"!!! Right up there with "Mother's Day", brother!

(Don't knock "Plan 9", tho', that's got some of the best flying saucers I've seen in motion picture history!)

You guys seen "I Drink Your Blood"??? ha ha...

[DippyHippy]

Someone just told me a cracker...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide. The librarian laughs and says "Sod off! You won't bring it back!!"

[Tom2Mars]

Seeing the pictures Kashi took on his trip in the "rogues gallery" made me think of "turning Japanese" so here is a little:

Bush Haiku

This is a short poem made up entirely of actual
quotations from George W. Bush. These have been
arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington
Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful
Haiku poem like this is too good not to share.


MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

[Spacemad]

Originally posted by Chook@Mar 25 2004, 03:31 AM
10 minutes later - still laughing hysterically.  The Cat got Algenon the Mouse.


Sorry Algenon I shouldn´t laugh at your "misfortune" / "mishap" but it really gave me a tremendous laugh - I was spluttering for several minutes as I imagined the scene! :D It was very brave of you to share such an "experience" on this forum! Hope you´re fully recoved by now! :)

[jimmy]

Weasel, what is Haiku?

[Weaselbunny]

Weasel, what is Haiku?

Japanese poem, seventeen syllables long.

This one is a mickey take from a forward I got 'If your computer delivered error message in Haiku'

Wind catches lily
Scatt'ring petals to the wind
Segmentation fault

And another...

First snow, then silence
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully

Maybe it's just me, but I find that quite hilarious. Please tell me I'm not alone :(

[jimmy]

I really like the second one. :)

[Weaselbunny]

Oh thank God... then I'm not a freak of nature... or maybe we both are... oh dear :rolleyes:

[jimmy]

I've been in the UT forum for a while now and I KNOW we're not alone in freakness! :lol:

[Weaselbunny]

Freaks of the world UNITE! (or drink another cherry coke)

[DippyHippy]

Weasel, sometime over the past 6 years I had that email forwarded to me too (along with all the "if you forward this one, Microsoft will pay you $10 because they're testing a new email system" *splutter*)

I thought the Haiku error messages were hilarious... would love to see those again if you have more...

[jimmy]

Well. Chook, I am pretty sharp, I must say (psssssst....). I'm trying not to laugh! :unsure:

[jimmy]

:lol:
Good one, I wish I could remember jokes!
Well, there's this one: I was at a restaurant and I saw this elderly couple sit at the booth across from me. I watched as the weighter brought their order. It was one hamburger, one order of fries, and one coke, with two cups.
I watched as they carefully cut the burger in half, then split the fries one by one till they were exactly even. They poured the coke exactly even in the cups.
Feeling a bit uneasy at their obvious poverty, I watched even more closely as the gentleman started eating while his wife quietly watched with folded hands.
My heart was really troubled at this scene and I couldn't help but approach them and ask if I could please buy them an extra meal, as they were needy and I had abundance.
The old lady proceeded to tell me that they were fine and they had been married for 58 years and they shared everything.
I asked why then was she not eating; (my assumption was that she was waiting to see if he would fill up on his share). Seeing my confusion, she said, " Oh No, sonny, it's just his turn to use the teeth first."

[Dan Luna]

One of our IT trade mags, "Computing" ran a computer haiku competition over a few months back in 1998. There were some really excellent ones, so I've just had a look through their search facility and found examples on these pages:

http://www.computing.co.uk/Analysis/51580

http://www.computing.co.uk/Analysis/51988

http://www.computing.co.uk/Analysis/52611

[DippyHippy]

Dan, thanks for those... I might Google up some more later, if I have time... I particularly liked A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. LOL

Chook, it's hard to explain the appeal of Haiku Windows error messages... suffice it to say there's something deeply ironic and sarcastic (two of my favourite traits) about them LOL

[Weaselbunny]

ROTFLMTO :lol: :lol: :lol: :D :lol:

Two cracking posts in a row.

Love this[/QUOTE]flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle[QUOTE]

Did anyone ever come accross 'Meanie Beanies'. I saw one once, very funny, a beanie cat with a tyre mark and flat strip accross its middle.

I do not advocate cruelty to animals, especially cats or Weaselbunnies :P

[Weaselbunny]

As some of you may know, I'm originally from a town called Hull in East Yorkshire. I believe that the Hull accent is the laziest in the world. Wanna try a Hull acent, just move your mouth as little as possible.

Prern Cocktail - Popular starter
Turd in the erl - Popular main course (Toad in the hole, Yorkshire Pudding with sausages baked into it)
Err nerrr - oh no
The Perp - leader of the Catholic faith
err nerr, it's fahve t nahn - I'm due at work in five minutes
Kerkeh kerleh - popular soft drink
Ol-rye-ut, ol-rye-ut - calm down, I get the point (alright, alright)
Herr herr herr - Proclaimed by a jolly old man in a red suit around Christmas time, often found lingering in shopping centres with a small contingent of dwarfs!

Needless to say, the Hull accent gets a bit of ribbing, fortunately I have not been aflicted with a strong dose of it!

[damienpaul]

There is a whole lot of incoherent garble that comes out of the mouths of folks here in Alice Springs

e.g.

Whadyathunkyadoin'gitoffovityastipidfool

Translates to: please stop acting like a drunken fool, you inebriated fellow

Didyabringtagrogalong

Translates to: di you get the supplies?

Cuseme, yagotchinychange?

Translate: do you have any spare change


Damien

[damienpaul]

ROFLMAO :lol:

they are awesome!!!! and all strangely true

[Weaselbunny]

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?! )
Yes... and it hurts!

[damienpaul]

that sounds like Bojangles saloon and restaurant here in Alice Springs:
http://www.boslivesaloon.com.au/welcome/default.htm

[damienpaul]

ROTFLMAO oh my gosh, they are gonna give me nightmares for weeks!!!!

[damienpaul]

Hey Chook, they remind me of a typical day!

[damienpaul]

Originally posted by Chook@Apr 24 2004, 07:43 AM
:D :lol: :D :lol: - sounds like something Damo would do. Loved it!
precisely, and I would have LOVED it!!!

Its like Chook and Weaselbunny are cataloguing a typical day for me!!

[RalfRotten]

Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven

God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Mick first, he asks "What do you believe?"

Mick looks God in the eye, and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what

you believe in."

God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left.

He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?"

Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe in courage, honour, and passion - the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!" God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Nathan the

seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Eddie. "And you, Mr Maguire. What do you believe?

"I believe", says Eddie, "that you are in my seat".


for the benefit of non-australians, the first 2 are sportsman, the third is an over exposed TV commentator (see smart arse)(***) if your a yank

[Weaselbunny]

Along the heaven theme.

3 blokes standing in the queue at the pearly gates. The first is called forth. St Peter says to him, "You've been a good man, we'll allow you in, but because you cheated on your missus, I'm afraid you only qualify for moped, this will be your transport around heaven."

The next bloke is called up, St Peter says' You also have been a good man, you've lived a good life, but your small number of infidelities means you'll get a family salon as your transport around heaven.'

The last bloke comes up... 'You've led an amazingly good life, you have treat you wife with love and respect and remained utterly faithful. Here's the keys to your new Rolls Royce."

A few weeks later, the first bloke is riding around on his moped when he sees the Rolls Royce driver sitting on the kerb, sobbing uncontrollably. He pulls up alongside him. "Alright mate?" He says. "What's up, you're in heaven, you're in paradise, you got one of the tidiest sets of wheels up here, what could you possibly have to be upset about?"

The man wipes his eyes and sniffs, "I've just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!" :(

[jimmy]

I live very near a town called Cut Off. Now, what's been cut off I don't know because the town existed before Loreina Bobbitt. :lol:

[Weaselbunny]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when Paddy falls down an open manhole.

Battered and bruised he getts to his feet and shouts "Oi Murphy, would ye chuck us a loyte, it dark doyn here!"

So Murphy throws a match down to him. After a period of frantic scrtching noises Paddy shouts up "Oi Murphy, dis match is a dud"

To which Murphy replies "Well dat's funny, cos it worked when I used it!


Q How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A Knock on the window!

Q How do you confuse an Irish Man
A Give him a spade and a shovel and tell him to take his pick.

Q How do you confuse an Irish Man (version 2)
A Stand him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner!

[DippyHippy]

LOL Some cracking jokes...

Weasel, you forgot to mention Little Snoring, as featured in the newspaper TV ad... that's an actual village.

Speaking of TV, the show I was in was broadcast yesterday. The programme was fine, but watching myself on the telly made me cringe *ouch*

[String Fan]

What's an undertaker's magic word?

Abracadaver
:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[DippyHippy]

LOL Chook - you know, I heard that exact same joke about 2 years ago but it was the Australian PM the Queen was speaking to, not Tony Blair LOL

(And it was an Aussie who told me it too!!)

[kashi]

It doesn't work as Tony Blair, because that DOES have a Queen, and the UK is indeed a kingdom.

It would work well for Australia though.

[DippyHippy]

LOL kashi - you're absolutely right because technically England has been each of those... I didn't read the whole joke, just noticed the beginning and the end LOL

It seems to be one of those curiosities of the English language that the word kingdom applies even when we have a Queen on the throne...

[Tom2Mars]

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to

Know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either against us or for us. There is
no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I
am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The
chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the
other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but
I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross
the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens
crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And
when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,
money the government took from you to build a road for
chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your
face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'.
That's what they call it the other side Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side."


DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road,

but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into
question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious
case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook, - and
internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the
chicken

THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

[jimmy]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Funny stuff, Tom2 :lol: :lol: :lol:

[isferno]

I haven't read all the jokes already posted, so don't mind if this joke already is told.

As the English tell jokes about the Irish, we Dutch tell them about the Belgians. So following, a Belgium joke.


Two Beligians and a Dutchman were ordered to dig a hole. But as the two Belgiums started digging, the Dutchman started to unpack a chair and a cooler and sat there enjoying the day.
After a while one of the Belgians asked the Dutch: "
"Hey, how come you aren't working?"
"That's because I'm smart"
"How is that?"
"Come on out, and I'll show you"

So both the Belgian and the Dutch went to a brick wall and the Dutch placed his hand upon the wall.
"Hit my hand as hard as you can" he said to the Belgian.
Of coarse, before the punch came, the Dutch removed his hand,
letting the Belgian hit the wall.

"You understand know why you work and I'm not?"
"Yes, I do now. Auch, that hurts"

Back in the pit the other Belgian asked
"And?"
"He showed me, its like this. Hit my hand as hard as you can", he said,
while placing his hand against the side of his face.

[Weaselbunny]

Eeeeeuw! That's kinda grim.

Liked the Belgian one though... and yours dips.

[isferno]

Dippy and Weasel, I doubt the guy had even so much as a smudge on his chin,
But the look on that girl's face must have been priceless ;)

[imported_Ziggy]

I don't mean anything offensive to blond people, but hear I go! A blond lady is driving through the country listening to the radio. On the radio, people are laughing at dumb blond jokes. She shuts the radio off and says: "Man I'm tired of these dumb blond jokes that people say all the time! Not all blond people are like that!" A few minutes later she sees two blond men in a cornfield trying to row a boat. She pulls the car over and stands on the curve and screams to the guys in the boat: "It's people like you who give blond people a bad reputation! If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and beat you to up!" :lol:

[Colleen]

:) Algenon the Mouse,
Cute joke!

[Tom2Mars]

–From James Carville in Had Enough?: A Handbook for Fighting Back
"You know, back in 2000, a Republican friend of mine warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Al Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true."

[Weaselbunny]

Check this out... I think I ruptured something laughing... I particularly recommend hips... ;)

Bush Aerobics (http://www.webforwards.com/bushaerobics.htm)

[galaxygirl]

Here's another one LOL:

United We Dance (http://www.miniclip.com/unitedwedance.htm)

:lol:

[kashi]

That's a really scary looking forum. A great example of why we ban political discussion here!

[jimmy]

That's hilarious zephyr! :lol:

[damienpaul]

That is too funny Z

can you imagine stars named in the same way?! :P

[isferno]

There are a lot of towns which name (translated or not) have some unexpected side meaning in a different language.
Another example is the Iraqi town "Kut" which is a Dutch word in the same order of the Australian town.

Though if you really want to dig into this, you should try looking up products which are exported abroad.
In some languages, products do have to change their names to avoid unwanted meanings, even though its a non-existing word, but sounds quite a lot like an other word.
And if it isn't the product name, then its the advetorial for the product where a translation of the well known product "statement" happens to be a negative proverb, or just does not translate well using a dictionary.

[Weaselbunny]

Gotta be the german for grandad. Pron' gross-farter.

[damienpaul]

the question is, who is the most incorrigable of them all...?

[isferno]

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.


Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

[damienpaul]

Great one Chook!!!! ya Peanut Head mate! :lol:

I can imagine Damo signing-off on that accident report. Good one!

sooooo true, except i'd probably get a paper cut and impale my left hand (the one without feeling) with the pen, then fall off the chair, whether or not I was sitting on it.

With kind regards

Caveman Damo

[kashi]

Originally posted by isferno@Jun 21 2004, 12:06 AM


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the rope was longer than the distance between the pulley and the ground (which it would have to be), then the barrel would have hit the ground before the man reached the pulley, in which case his ascent would cease, and it would be physically impossible for him to get his fingers stuck in the pulley.

[damienpaul]

sheesh, talk about over analysing!!! its just a funny story....

[isferno]

Originally posted by kashi+Jun 21 2004, 12:47 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (kashi @ Jun 21 2004, 12:47 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-isferno@Jun 21 2004, 12:06 AM


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the rope was longer than the distance between the pulley and the ground (which it would have to be), then the barrel would have hit the ground before the man reached the pulley, in which case his ascent would cease, and it would be physically impossible for him to get his fingers stuck in the pulley. [/b][/quote]
Dear Kashi,

if the barrel is met half way after which you are slowed slightly, there is still halfway to go to gain speed slightly.

[Spacemad]

:D :D :D :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, Inferno & Chook for making me laugh so much - I don´t think I have laughed so much in weeks! :D :lol: I really must come back to this thread more often!

I´ve copied the funny story of the bricklayer & I´m going to try & translate it into Spanish - my sister-in-law works for a big construction company in Spain & often sends us emails with stories like that she gets from others! :)

The next time she sends us one, if I think it´s funny enough, I´ll copy it & try & translate it into English & then post it here!

[kashi]

Originally posted by isferno@Jun 21 2004, 04:52 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the rope was longer than the distance between the pulley and the ground (which it would have to be), then the barrel would have hit the ground before the man reached the pulley, in which case his ascent would cease, and it would be physically impossible for him to get his fingers stuck in the pulley.
Dear Kashi,

if the barrel is met half way after which you are slowed slightly, there is still halfway to go to gain speed slightly.
No no, you miss my point entirely. The speed is irrelevent (your statement is correct with regard to speed). If you meet the barrel half way up, it means that the rope is exactly the length between the pulley and the ground. It would however have to be longer than this, otherwise it is physically impossible (the barrel has to be a little bit past the pulley obviously). You would never reach the pulley to get your fingers caught in it because the barrel would hit the ground before you hit the pulley, and your ascent would stop.

[Weaselbunny]

Ok, if we're going to be pedantic, maybe the ground directly below the bucket was three inches lower than the ground the man was standing on, slightly uneven ground is common on a building site I believe... Kashi, I bet you tell kids that Santa isn't real huh?

Chook.... you subversive little bunny you... keep it up! B)

[damienpaul]

Subversive bunnies? i like it...

By the way Santa is real due to time dilation travelling that dang fast

[isferno]

Originally posted by kashi+Jun 21 2004, 08:04 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (kashi @ Jun 21 2004, 08:04 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-isferno@Jun 21 2004, 04:52 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the rope was longer than the distance between the pulley and the ground (which it would have to be), then the barrel would have hit the ground before the man reached the pulley, in which case his ascent would cease, and it would be physically impossible for him to get his fingers stuck in the pulley.
Dear Kashi,

if the barrel is met half way after which you are slowed slightly, there is still halfway to go to gain speed slightly.
No no, you miss my point entirely. The speed is irrelevent (your statement is correct with regard to speed). If you meet the barrel half way up, it means that the rope is exactly the length between the pulley and the ground. It would however have to be longer than this, otherwise it is physically impossible (the barrel has to be a little bit past the pulley obviously). You would never reach the pulley to get your fingers caught in it because the barrel would hit the ground before you hit the pulley, and your ascent would stop. [/b][/quote]
I actualy hoped I miss-interpreted your question Kashi,

As you actualy enjoy solving puzzles, I think this one might be a better start and can even be tested with a rope only 6 stories high (plus a bit) where you hold the end of the rope, and a rope of 2*6 stories high (plus a bit) where you also hold the end of the rope, and stand right under the barrel filled with stones.

For safety reasons though, I would advice you to use an empty plastic (paper might do even better) bucket and a safety helmet.

[isferno]

Originally posted by Weaselbunny@Jun 22 2004, 03:34 PM
Ok, if we're going to be pedantic, maybe the ground directly below the bucket was three inches lower than the ground the man was standing on, slightly uneven ground is common on a building site I believe... Kashi, I bet you tell kids that Santa isn't real huh?

Chook.... you subversive little bunny you... keep it up! B)
Hey Bunny,

It has already been eastern, but here is an eastern egg:

Newton formulated that the moments should continue for as long as possible as long as nothing forces to stop it, tis the law! B)

(Or was it momentum? Moments always sounded much better to me ;) :D )

[Weaselbunny]

OK... getting back to the levity!

Two fish in a tank, one says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

And...

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?... He was found dead under Tesco's!

(Tesco's is a British supermarket chain)

[Weaselbunny]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oooo, I think I ruptured something!

The chicken and egg one's the best... yes I do get it and have only just been able to scrape my giggling self off the floor.

[DippyHippy]

LOL Chook... I've heard the duck one before... the old 'uns are always best... loved the cat joke too LOL

[DippyHippy]

LOL Believe it or not, yeah, I have - my mother sent it to me LOL

[Spacemad]

:unsure: Weaselbunny, you'll have to explain that joke - the one about the chicken & the egg in a bed - for the likes of me I don´t understand it at all! :unsure:

[Spacemad]

Question - What would three Aussie's get up to?  Chook 27 June

Perhaps Damienpaul could give us an original answer for that one - I´m sure he´ll have us all in stitches when he does!!!!! :D :lol:

So what about it, Damien?

[jimmy]

Chook, they'd probably become actors! :P :lol:

[isferno]

How about a blond joke:

This blond girl sat next to a top rated first class bussiness man and was ready to take a nap, but the man next to her tried to start a conversation with her.
Soon enough it turned into the typical blond intelegence after which the blond suggested a bet. Who couldn't answer a question is to pay a dollar to the other, after which the bussiness man generously offered to pay a hundred dollar for every question he couldn't answer to make things a bit even.

Of coarse the blond started with her first question:
What is green, has five legs and stands up a hill shouting "whooaa, whooaa"
completely stupified the man answered, I don't know, and he had to pay up a hundred dollars

After a couple of moments silence the man said, so what is that green thing?
After which the blond handed him a dollar and said, "I wouldn't know"

[Weaselbunny]

Ahhh bless ya Chook, obviously you haven't spent much time in pool halls.

Acoustic - a que stick - a pool que

Iraq - I rack - as in I'll set up the balls, you break


Definitions... stop me if you've heard them (although you'll have to shout pretty loud for me to hear you in England!)

Definition of :-

Cheek - Throwing a brick through a window and asking for it back
Ridiculous - Two bald men fighting over a comb


(Kudos on the one ball thing by the way :lol: ) Speaking of brothers, mine's been ill, but now we know he's gonna be ok and get better eventually... big international yay for science please guys B)

[isferno]

I haven't got it chook, please explain? (and without subtleties)

[isferno]

(btw)
acoustic = a cue stick
iraq = I rack

[Weaselbunny]

:lol: :lol: :lol: It's funny cos it's true... mostly :lol: :lol: :lol:

And now Tim Henman's out of Wimbledon... Cricket, football... the list goes on an on.

We can invent these games, but can we play them?... can we buggery!

Oh well, if building an empire with the cunning use of flags were a competitive sport, we'd be quids in! :P B)

[DippyHippy]

LOL Chook - I like those!!!

Okay, here's one I just remembered...

A man is on holiday in Ireland when his car starts giving him problems. He manages to make it over a bridge and pulls over to the side of the road, next to a field with two horses in it. One of the horses is grey and wandering around the field, whereas the other one is brown and standing by the fence near the road.

He gets out of the car, pops the bonnet / hood and stands there staring at the engine, totally clueless. All of a sudden, he hears a gruff voice saying "Check the distributor cables!"

He looks around but can't see anyone, except the two horses in the field. The brown horse is still standing by the fence, near the road. Thinking he's hearing things, he returns his attention to the car. Without warning, he hears the voice again, only louder - "Check the distributor cables!!!"

He looks around again but again, he can't see anyone. All he can see are the two horses in their field - the brown horse is still standing by the fence, near the road.

Thinking he's hearing things again, he returns his attention to the car when he hears the voice again, louder and more persistent - "Check the distributor cables!!!!!"

By this time the poor guy is scared witless and just wants to get out of there, so he quickly checks the distributor and finds one of the cables is a little loose. He plugs the cable back in, jumps into his car and quickly starts on his way again with no apparent problems.

After a mile or so, he comes across a village and needing a drink to calm his nerves, he stops at the nearest pub and goes inside. He orders himself a stiff drink. The barman, noticing his customer is a little shaken, asks him what's wrong and the man tells him all about his car breaking down and hearing the voice.

The barman listens and then asks "Was this next to a field with two horses in it?"

The man says it was.

Then the barman asks "Was the brown horse standing next to the fence near the road?"

The man says it was.

Finally, the barman says, thoughtfully, "ah, you're lucky it was the brown horse"

The man, curious, asks him why.

"Because the grey horse knows nothing about cars"

[imported_Ziggy]

These are the top ten bumper stickers for the Starship Enterprise:

10. Our other ship seperates into THREE parts!
9. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
8. HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
7. Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phase rifles do.
6. Zero to Warp 6 in 3 seconds!
5. CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
4. If you can read this...don't you think your a wee-bit too close?
3. Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
2. Weasly on board!
1. We stop for cubes.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: !!!!!

[DippyHippy]

Okay, I know this joke is sexist and I apologise but I'm sure the ladies of UT have more than enough men jokes to come back with... :P

What have you done wrong when your wife comes out of the kitchen nagging at you?
Made the chain too long.

[isferno]

don't worry dippyhippy, plenty of jokes lying around to justify yours ;)

A priest is comforting a widow who's husband has just died saying, it always helps to think of his last words.
At which the widow said, sobbing more
his last words were "you couldn't hit a barndoor with that gun"

[imported_Ziggy]

Everyone knows that in Star Trek, Lt. Commander Data has a "positronic brain" which allows him to perform billions of calculations and actions at once. But what if Data were different. What if instead of useing a positronic brain, he used Microsoft Windows 2000? Here's what I think would happen...

Worf: Sir, four Romulan Warbirds declocking dead ahead.

Picard: On screen.

Data: Aye sir.
(The view screens shows a pattern of horizontal lines, each only one pixel wide.)

Picard: What's wrong Data?

Data: Sir, the screen does not have sufficent video memory to display such a large image, may I suggest you select a lower resolution?

Picard: Make it so.
(The screen goes black for a second, then a image appears with big foot wide pixels, in the center are what seem to be four green blobs that could be the warbirds, but look more like the aliens from space invadors.)

Picard: Data, open a hailing frequency to the Romulans.

Data: Aye sir.
(Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, flips it over and puts it on the console in front of him. He punches in some buttoms into the console then sits there totally motionless for several seconds. Suddenly, big blue pixels appear on the screen.)

Worf: Quantum torpedos captain!

Picard: Shields up!

Data: I'm sorry, sir. I am still attempting to complete your last command. Please wait before giving me any further instructions.

Picard: DATA, I WANT THOSE SHIELDS UP NOW!

Data: I'm sorry, sir. I am still attempting to complete your last command. Please wait before giving any further instructions.

LaForge: Allow me captain. (To Data) Control-Alt-Delete, Data.
(Data takes the hourglass off his console and puts it back on the floor.)

Data: The warbirds are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to windows. Pull my left ear to cut-off all comunications channels to the Romulans. All information sent by the Romulans will not be saved.
(Picard pulls Data's left ear.)

Picard: Shields...
(The torpedos hit the Enterprise. There's a huge explosion and violent shaking. Everyone on the bridge falls to the floor or get knocked out of there seats. Sparks fly from Weasly Crusher's console and he hits the floor very hard.)

Picard: Up, Data!

Data: Aye sir.

Worf: Ensign crusher seems to be unconscience.
(Data picks up the hourglass again and puts it on the console. After a few seconds he puts it back down.)

Data: Shields are up!

Picard: Lock all phasers on the lead warbird.

Worf: Aye, sir.

Picard: Data, take ensign Crusher's console and prepare for evasive action.

Data: I'm sorry sir. I do not have the proper device driver to perform that task.

Picard: Then install the drive!

Data: Please insert setup implant #1 into right nostril.

Picard: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

Riker: I gave them to Gordi.

LaForge: (In a suprised voice.) What! I thought you still had them!

Picard: Don't you keep the implants in your internal memory bank?

Data: Not found, sir. Please insert setup implant #1 into my right nostril.

Picard: Data, we don't have setup implant #1!

Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Picard: Abort!

Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Picard: Fail then!

Data: Current nose no longer valid.
(Data walks over to the helm console and punches in some buttoms. The Enterprise lurches to one side and the images on the view screen become highly distorted. Then another violent shake and everything goes dark.)

Picard: What the hell happend?

Riker: Do we have a customer service number for Data?

LaForge: Data, what are you doing?
(No answer. Then the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing right next to the console totally motionless.)

Picard: What happend to Data?

LaForge: Data caused a total systems shut down to the Warp Core.

Picard: Man are those androids cheap and slow.
(Suddenly, six Romulans and one Fenregi transport to the bridge of the Enterprise)

Ferengi: Can I intrest you in a Macintosh, captain?

[DippyHippy]

LOL Please tell me you killed Crusher off :P

[imported_Ziggy]

If you want it that way, sure :lol: !

[imported_Ziggy]

Here's some more Star Trek Humour. These are some of the reasons why Captain Janeway is better then Captain Picard...

1. Two words: hair and cheese.
2. Does not let an adolecents pilot the Federation Flagship.
3. Voyager dosn't seperate into two parts when it's in a tight spot.
4. When Janeway lands a starship, she can actually get it back up.
5. Has a hair matrix that would baffle even Princess Leia.
6. Took the words 'boldy go where no man (or women) has gone before" to the extreames.
7. To confort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving, motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't get up in the morning.
8. Janeway's CONNs officer actually went through Starfleet Academy.
9. Janeway dosn't waste her time learing other languages because everyone in the Delta Quadrant speaks perfect English, and for that matter, everyone in the GALAXY!
9. Voyager can fold up it's warp nacelles.
10. Starships destroyed under command, Picard=2, Janeway=0.
11. Enterprise can go Warp 9.2, Voyager goes Warp 9.975!
12. Janeway does NOT have a counseler (thank God!).
13. Janeway does not have to fix her uniform every time she stands up.
14. Picard has a English accent even though he's French.
15. Janeway's tactical officer would NEVER grow a pony-tail.
16. The Intrepid Class Starship that Janeway commands is a newer design then Picard's old Galaxy Class.
17. Voyager is a beutiful stream-lined starship, Enterprise looks like a flying
saucer.
18. Picards says to alien cultures "I hope that one day we will come together for a greater understanding", Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."
19. Openly acknowleges when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of overiding it with "moral issues."
20. Instead of pondering over a difficult dession about a less-advanced alien civilization for days, Janeway uses the Prime Directive to make it easy.

[isferno]

Don't open the above pages if you care to keep your computer virus free

[bossman20081]

And heres some more:
On the way out
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

"Ms. Perkins," said the biology teacher, his eyes pinning the daydreaming student, "would you please tell the class which portion of the human anatomy swells to ten times its normal size during periods of agitation or emotional excitement?"
Blushing, the woman stammered: "Professor, I-I would r-rather n-not answer that q-question."
Arching a brow, the professor asked: "Oh? And why not?"
"W-well, s-sir, that's kind of . . . p-personal.
"
"Not at all," he blustered.
"The correct answer is the pupil of the eye, and your response tells me two things: First, that you didn't read last night's assignment, and second, that marriage is going to leave you a tremendously disappointed young woman."

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
Don’t hate me for these blonde jokes.

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them


A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge


Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Weaselbunny]

:lol: Very good Bossman :lol:

But I'm sure all you blokes will understand if I hit one back for the ladies!

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
5... one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to accident and emergency

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
A widower!

[bossman20081]

Like I said, dont hate me for the blonde and women jokes! Nice come back Weaselbunny, but how are these?

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof. The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." Poof. The mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." Poof.


I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

[bossman20081]

Sorry the last joke I wrote (the translations) is what a woman means when she says something (ha.. ha..) :P (dont hurt me...)

[Weaselbunny]

Well the blonde jokes don't bother me... I'm a brunette... as for the women jokes, well, they're just bloody funny; and for about 90% of the female population true!

And I'm sure all the other lady UT users fall into that remaining 10%... hey girls!

[DippyHippy]

LOL Bossman - since i'm getting married in about 6 weeks, I've made a note of the "what women mean" remarks LOL

[isferno]

good luck to you Dippy. (And brace yourself ;) )

[Tom2Mars]

Hey Weaselbunny!

I actually popped in to do a light bulb joke. This is reference to suggesting a change from an incandescent energy-wasting, heat-wasting light bulb over to a more efficient Compact Flourescent light bulb.

How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I'm still waiting for them to do it.

[damienpaul]

toooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!

bossman, your two lists remind me of my ex...i can add one from that experience

its an advantage to be male that its not an international crisis when some soppy film gets sold out.

[DippyHippy]

LOL Dammo... while we're on the subject of ex's... and this is something men do too...

Whenever we were going out or were planning a day, I'd ask her what she wanted to do and she'd nearly always say "oh I don't mind" - so in the end, I'd pick something for us to do and she was always quite happy to do that. But then, what did she always say when we rowed?

"We always do what YOU want to do"

*bangs head against wall*

Thank God I'm marrying someone else!!!! :D

[Hoore500]

My last one is too dirty , I think I'm gonna let it inspect by a judge of youth.

[bossman20081]

I thought you would like them:) Im out of jokes for now, but Ill post some more later on.

(Uh... what does corkers mean?)

[DippyHippy]

LOL Bossman - where are you getting them from???

I'd heard a (much longer) variation of the genie joke before... I remember telling it when I was more than slightly inebriated and completely missing the punchline... I was rolling around on the flooring laughing (almost literally) while everyone else thought I was an idiot LOL (They weren't far wrong at the time LOL)

BTW basically, "corker" means excellent or fine :) I thought it was more of an Aussie word than anything else ;)

[Weaselbunny]

I know a few bar/genie jokes, too rude though! More's the pity, they're bloody funny.

I'll settle for these second rate bar jokes!

A man who's down on his luck goes into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin and begs the barman for a drink cos it's a hot day and he's really thirsty. The barman tells him to get lost!

The man begs again saying "Please, I've got this duck, he dances, if he performs for you can I have a drink?"

The barman again tells him to sling his hook, but a punter at the bar says "Hang on, I'd like to see this, I'll buy you a pint mate, make your duck dance"

The man places the biscuit tin on the bar, the duck on top, and lo and behold, the duck dances away.

Everyone in the bar is dead impressed and the man is bought drinks all night.

At the end of the night the punter who bought him his first drink offers £250 to buy the duck, the man accepts and hands over the duck and the biscuit tin.

The next day the man is in the bar, spending some of the proceeds from the sale of the duck, when the punter from the night before comes in.

"Oi!" he says. "You sold me a dud, this duck won't dance!"

"Where's the tin?" Asks the man.

"I threw it away says the man, why?" he sneers "Is it a special tin?"

"No," replies the man, "It's just that's where I put the candle!"

(I typed that myself so although it's crap, you'd better appreciate it! ;) )

Even crappier...


A man walks into a bar... says "Ow!"

(Don't hate me, the voices made me do it :rolleyes: )

[Algenon the mouse]

hehe those were good!


You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.




AND.............





13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.

[damienpaul]

ROFLMAO!!!!!! Brilliant!!!! and all so true!

[kashi]

It's all true, but I find it quite tragic rather than funny.

[Tom2Mars]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,  crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come  and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last  time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft  background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a  bottle of
Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and  every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, 
into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the  kitchen
and left.

When the husband returned with his new  girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house  began
to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and  airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were  steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators  were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out  for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive  wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...  Repairmen refused
to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they  could not take the
stench any longer and decided to move.

A month  later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a  buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local  realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a  huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The  ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the  saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she  missed her old home terribly,
and would be willing to reduce her divorce  settlement in exchange for
getting the house back...

Knowing his  ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was  about 1/10th of what the house
had been worth...But only if she were to  sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers  delivered
the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new  girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack  everything to
take to their new home... including the curtain rods. 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

[damienpaul]

Brilliant!!! gives me ideas....lol

[Weaselbunny]

That's fantastic Tom :lol: ... and Algenon...6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. When I was working part time in a call centre to fund uni... I used to get home and sometimes answer my phone

"XXXXX Information Centre, XXXXXXX speaking, how can I.... Doh!"

And yes... I scrolled back up! :lol:

[Tinaa]

I worked at a grocery store when I was young. To use the intercom system you had to pick up the phone at your register and press a little button on the receiver. We used the intercom frequently for price checks, check approvals and most often, for getting a sacker to come and help sack up customers groceries. I was teased unmercifully at home when I answered the telephone, "Package Help Please."

[damienpaul]

ROFLMAO

I have had an experiencelike that...when i was with the mining company...lol, we used to have crank greetings for eachother only internally...My Grandmother got a hell of a shock when I answered the phone "Big Bad Bobo's Babe Bonanza, come and get ya rocks off"...

That'll teach me not to check if it is an outside line!!!

[Weaselbunny]

Oopsie DP!!!!

The receptionist put a call straight through to me so it had an internal ring.

I answered with "Wrights crematorium, you kill em we grill em!"

Fortunately the client had a good sense of humour B) and because of the nature of my job people expect me to be a bit weird! :blink:

[spedmen]

i've got a bunch, tell me if you like em, sorry for making them long and having a bunch but i just couldn't chose which ones to post so i did my top list

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
------------------------------
Bar joke:

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

-------------------------------

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. (did you get it???) (its a great joke but some people have hard time understandingit the first time)(also great spelling for me
:P )
-----------------------------------
Golf Joke:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

-------------------------------------

NASA Joke:
When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

----------------------------------------

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

----------------------------
A guy arrives at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter says: "In checking
our records, I find that you have never done anything outstanding enough
to get you into heaven."
"What do you mean?" the guy says. "What about when I came to the aid of
the little old man who was being pushed around by those motorcycle
thugs?"
Obviously impressed, Saint Peter looks though the record books again.
Finding nothing, he says: "You did that?"
The guy says: "Yes, I kicked over a couple of bikes and told them to
pick on someone their own size."
Saint Peter is puzzled. He says: "There is absolutely no record of it.
When did it happen?"

OH ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO..
--------------------------------
AND HERE IS A GREAT JOKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITES PLEASE READ IT ITS ALSO SPACE ETC. RELATED

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
-----------------------i can get more if any want wants

[spedmen]

-----------------------i can get more if any want wants op DUh i really need a spell checker i type so fast i never go beck to check what i wrote 5 seconds ego, and im sure even this has misspullings

[bossman20081]

Ive heard about half of them in one version or another, but keep them coming!

[isferno]

How about this one,

Arguing over the pronunciation of Oconomowoc,
a town in Wisconsin the two visitors asked the
waitress to slowly pronounce where they were.
Leaning over the counter she slowly said: burrrr-
gerrrrr-kiiiiiing

[spedmen]

heres one

A women was filling her car at the gas station when she noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. an alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to fill the craft with gas. the women noticed the letters "U.F.O" printed on the side of the ship. she turned to the alien and asked, "Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentefied Flying Objects?" the alien andswered , "No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!"

[spedmen]

i have a few more but too lazy to type them now :P :mellow: :ph34r:

[jimmy]

A rich white man in Lake Charles, Louisiana decided
> > that he
> > wanted to throw a party and invited all of his
> > buddies and neighbors. He
> > also invited Boudreaux, the only real Cajun in the
> > neighborhood.
> >
> > He held the party around the pool in the backyard of
> > his mansion. Everyone
> > was having a real good time drinking, dancing,
> > eating shrimp,oysters, and eating BBQ, and flirting
> > with the women.
> >
> > At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a
> > 12 ft man-eating gator
> > in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
> > who
> > has the guts to jump in."
> > The words were barely out of his mouth when there
> > was a loud splash, and
> > everyone turned around and saw Boudreaux in the
> > pool!
> >
> > Boudreaux was fighting the alligator and kicking its
> > ***! Boudreaux was
> > jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs,
> > throwing punches, doing all
> > kinds
> > of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the
> > gator on the tail and
> > flipping the gator through the air like some kind of
> > Judo Instructor. The
> > water
> > was churning and splashing everywhere!
> >
> > Both Boudreaux and the gator were screaming and
> > raising
> > hell. Finally Boudreaux strangled the gator and let
> > it float to the top
> > like a Wal-Mart goldfish.
> >
> > Boudreaux then slowly climbed out of the pool.
> > Everybody was just staring
> > at him in disbelief.
> >
> > Finally the host says, "Well, Boudreaux, I reckon I
> > owe you
> > a million dollars."
> > "No, that's okay. I don't want it." said Boudreaux.
> > The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you
> > something. You won the bet.
> > How about half a million bucks then?"
> > "No thanks. I don't want it." Answered Boudreaux.
> > The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
> > something. That was
> > amazing.
> > How about a new Corvette and a Rolex and some stock
> > options?"
> > Again Boudreaux said no. Confused, the rich man
> > asked, "Well,Boudreaux, then
> >
> > what do you want?"
> > Boudreaux said, "I just want the name of that
> > sucker
> > who pushed me in the pool"!

[bossman20081]

Great one jimmy!

BITS OF INFORMATION TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY

* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems
worth it!)

* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like
it!)

* The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.

* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. ?

* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not
over that pig thing!)

* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included
in this list?)

* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...? Did the government pay for this
research?)

* Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares!)

* The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

* A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves
to death.

* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like
that.)

* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

[isferno]

The results of statistics

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

[JESMKS]

Maybe this has been described before. It comes from NON SEQUITUR in our local newspaper. My wife said it's gross, I thought it was funny. anyway it is a cartoon with a heading " The Genesis -Big Bang Theory" The cartoon shows the angel Gabriel standing on a cloud. From a cloud above Gabrial, there is an arm protruding with a finger pointing at Gabriel. From the cloud there is a message in a voice coming from the cloud. Gabriel...Pull my finger.---

[isferno]

What's Your Name, Again?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.

One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[bossman20081]

Chook-
Only 99!?

Just kidding...
Tell me if you want more.

[Tinaa]

I've gotta joke.

What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?
























He stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

[bossman20081]

Heres some more. Enjoy:)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.



A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[Kneeknocker]

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

[Kneeknocker]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender,

"How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies,
"For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other,

"Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

[Radio_Flyer]

he, he, he

The little old man in a fight with the crusher. It was along way to go for a joke but I loved the punch line. I got quit a chuckle out of that one.

Publican: Never heard a bartender called that. I figured it had to be a foreigner. Well, actually on this web site, I am the foreigner. I'm from the States. I love the Aussie sense of humor. Always great people to chat with.

[spedmen]

Driving skills :

One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn:
CHICAGO
*
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window:
NEW YORK
*
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY
*
One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON
*
One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat
double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator,
gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES
*
Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror:
OHIO, but driving in
CALIFORNIA
*
Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
ITALY
*
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte,
one knee on wheel,
cradling cell phone,
foot on brake,
mind on radio game,
banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE
*
One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator
and both feet on brake,
throwing McDonald's
bag out the window:
TEXAS
*
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor,
squirrel tails attached to antenna:
OKLAHOMA
*
Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely
visible above windshield,
driving 15 thru town
in the right lane
with the left blinker on:
SEQUIM
*
One hand on the wheel,
the other on his sister:
ARKANSAS

[spedmen]

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

[Algenon the mouse]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she
would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

[kashi]

Funny stuff:

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/retro.wmv

Starts off okay...and gradually turns to geeky jiberish.

[bossman20081]

If you want more, just ask.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron,
what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."


Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

"What catch?" he asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."


It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

[bossman20081]

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

[bossman20081]

Does anybody else have any jokes? Looking back, it seems that me and chook are the only ones who have posted any jokes recently. Well if you dont have any, I have plenty more- just ask.

[Algenon the mouse]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving
and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion. " So God called another
angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.

"God was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because
He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep
going.




Do you know what the E-mail said?














Just wondering, I didn't get one either.......

[bossman20081]

Nice one algenon! Now thats what Im talking about!
Well, you asked for it Chook!
(I apologize if I repeat anything, I havent been keeping track of what I wrote)

The teacher of the third-grade Sunday School class was planning to take her charges on a "field trip" to the ongoing church service, so they could get an idea of what morning worship looked like.

Before they left their classroom, she thought it would be a good idea to caution them against being boisterous in those surroundings.

Attempting to engage their attention, she asked, "And why do we need to be quiet in church?"

One bright little scholar replied right away, "Because people are sleeping in there."


It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"

Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was that memory course instructor's name?


Two guys in a jungle come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

The second guy hisses: "What are you doing, you can't outrun the lion" And the first guy says: "No, but all I have to do is outrun you"!


"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."


Things Not to Say to a Police Officer

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.


There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet

seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT IDIOT WHO TOOK A CRAP IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."



SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.


SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.


SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.


SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.


SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.


SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.


SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.



In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."



A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."




One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

[jimmy]

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out
of
>vacation time already.
>
>I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a
>little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some
>time off.
>
>I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down
>from the ceiling.
>
>Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be important later)
>came in and asked me what I was doing.
>
>Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light
bulb."
>
>A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
>
>"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
>
>"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
>
>With that, I jumped down and started walking out.
>
>My co-worker started following me and the Boss asked her where she
>was going.
>
>"I can't work in the dark!" she said.
>
>

And they say blondes are dumb????

[bossman20081]

Wow, I know some people like that!

[Algenon the mouse]

My sister went into a Seattle bank and the person in front of her wanted to exchange money because he was going to Hawaii and thought he needed foreign currency. The scary part is that these people go out and vote.

[bossman20081]

Yeah, thats how we got Clinton....

[Tinaa]

B) Oh my, a budding Republican in our mists? Remember Bossman...no politics! Even if you are right! ;)

[bossman20081]

I couldnt help myself.... :o

[Algenon the mouse]

Savage Gear employs over 100 people who are dedicated at breaking things in the name of science. They once took a deluxe top of the line bake oven with a nonstick surface and inserted a couple of slices of wonder bread into it. They then connected it to a 220 volt line to see how fast the contents would ignite. 91 seconds later the bread was aflame and the beloved oven destroyed.

Naturally trying to secure a warranty on the stuff they clearly abuse is hard. Take this conversation about a desk jockey who wanted to get a Geforce 6800 board replaced by the company that produced it:


Savage Geer: Hi, I'd like to request a warranty repair.

The company in Question: May I have the part number an serial number of the product?

SG: Cetainl--well, actually, I can't read it.

C: I know it is written small, but please try to read it off to me, sir.

SG: No, I can't read it because it's, well, the sticker is black.

C: No, sir, that is the wrong sticker. The sticker witht the part and serial number is white, on the back of the product.


SG: It used to be white, but now it's black. It got burnt.

C. Burnt? How is this possible?

SG: You tell me! I was just using the card as anyone might, and the monitor went dead and I smelled smoke. So I opened up the case and the GeForce board was on fire.

C: On fire, sir? That is not possible.

SG: It cerrtainly is. It was flaring up like a wad of charcoal.

C: Were --that is, this is the first I have heard--were you overclocking it?

SG: Yes I , wait huh? Overclocking? What's that?

C: So it just erupted in flame?

SG: I was playing Doom III if that makes any difference.

C: Sir, there is no way our graphics cards can catch on fire.

SG: Then you tell me what happened. I'd like it replaced as soon as possible.

C: I am sorry sir, we cannot replace a card that was misused by the user.

SG: What? are you...are you accusing me of lighting the card on fire?

C: The card cannot catch on fire by itself sir.

[bossman20081]

I dont get how that is funny.......

[Algenon the mouse]

I guess you have not heard excuses before. I get them all the time from my students. ( I have to rebury my grandmother....the dog devoured my homework etc.). The Doom III was a new one. I was just amazed that anyone would think that someone would buy it.

[spedmen]

oops almost forgot:
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Wouter]

An american and a british general are bragging about the courage of their soldiers. The american wants to show that the american soldiers are the most courageous. He calls for one of his soldiers.

"Hey, you maggot, do you see that tower over there?"
-"Sir yes sir!"
"I want you to climb that tower and jump off it with your head facing the earth"
-"SIR YES SIR!"

The soldier runs to the tower, climbs it, and jumps off it with his head down. He is rushed to a hospital. The american general is very proud and says: "Now that's courage!"

The british general, coldblooded as he is, calls for a private as well.

"Private, I want you to climb that tower and jump off with your head down!"
-"********, sir"

NOW THAT'S COURAGE

[bossman20081]

Ive read a different version of that before..... its language wasnt so clean though so I didnt post it.

[jimmy]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Too funny, bossman!

[Spacemad]

That was a good one, Bossman. I was laughing till tears came into my eyes! :D :D :D

[Spacemad]

That joke about the bear & the rabbit had me in stitches :D :D :D

The labels are beginning to repeat themselves - I´m sure I´ve read more than half of them before! Even so the stupidity of some of makes you wonder!

I don´t know where you get your jokes from - but keep em coming!

I´m a real fan of yours! :P

[bossman20081]

Im all out of jokes right now... Ill post more when I get some more.

[StarLab]

Ha! :lol:
That first joke, though, can be found at Dips' site. ;)

[bossman20081]

Whats his site? Id like to check it out.

[StarLab]

Well, I (sheepishly) have not been there for a while. :( Ask him. <_< :rolleyes: :unsure:

[Spacemad]

Originally posted by bossman20081@Sep 19 2004, 03:00 AM
Whats his site? Id like to check it out.
I occasionly visit his site. Here's his address: Dippy Hippy (http://65.54.186.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_lang=ES&lah=66f51b4f909f856c983eec284a815817&lat=1095588302&hm___action=http%3a%2f%2fwww%2estarlore%2enet%2fdh forum%2findex%2ephp)

[bossman20081]

Spacemad-
The link you gave me is in Spanish.... Ill just ask PM him the next time I see him.

[StarLab]

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[StarLab]

And a bit more: ;)

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the file please, Hal

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

[Spacemad]

Originally posted by bossman20081@Sep 19 2004, 04:04 PM
Spacemad-
The link you gave me is in Spanish.... Ill just ask PM him the next time I see him.
Sorry, I don't know what happened there :( but this one does work! (& it's in English!)
Dippy Hippy´s site (http://www.starlore.net/dhforum/) I´ve tried the link several times & I assure you it´s not in Spanish!

[spedmen]

Funny but True Stuff of WW 2

1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt.Gen.Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.

8. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. (call teh plumber?)

9. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans.
They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

AD THE BEST ONE IS FOR THE LAST ONE

10. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

[suntrack2]

YOU MEAN THIS IS A SORT OF DISCUSSION CIRCUS :D

well here is different kind of joke:

there were two friends santasing and bantasing,
a] santasing to bantasing=hey bantasing see that dead bird

b]bantasing did his head direction in sky and shouting where where?


================================================== ===
the heading "the clowns of the forum" i like too much thanks to the subject starter.

[StarLab]

Equipment in a car is called a shipment.

Equipment on a ship is called cargo. :blink: :wacko:

Freaks of the world UNITE! (or drink another cherry coke) Hear, hear! :D B)
(How did you know? :lol: ;))

[chuckb]

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and answered, "No, we'll ship her home."
The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[damienpaul]

just a typical partridge family get together?

[bossman20081]

:lol: :lol: Those quotes...priceless :lol: Do have any more?

[chuckb]

http://www.rodney.com

[damienpaul]

that is SO much a description for my ex!

[jimmy]

Funny stuff, I'm still laughing about the wedding in june thing! :lol:

[bossman20081]

Its always the true stuff thats the funniest, eh Chook? :D

[Spacemad]

Strange how these popular expressions come about in the first place! That one about it "Raining cats & dogs" was a good example of how common everyday occurrences get into our every language - things we repeat so often that they become part of the general language & our culture!

[Janice]

:angry: Hey! you guys got me in trouble, I started to laugh hysterically in the middle of my 1st period electronic imaging class! <_< detention grrr

[VanderL]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Great stuff Chook, keep posting!!

Wish I had some to offer, but I always seem to remember the "unprintables".

Cheers.

[suntrack2]

A village man went to a science exibition there he found some people looking the instruments arrange on the table, this man goes to a table where the instrument was kept and the question ask to him by the introducer of the model to this village farmer, Introducer: > what is this?
village farmer replied > what a fine TV with a typewriter.

and the model was computer there.

[bossman20081]

Chook-
That Scottish one... I cant stop laughing!! :D I gladly hand my crown over to the better comedian (or should I say clown? :lol: ) but not for long....

[suntrack2]

Chook that's a great job to help others to laugh, laughing is very good for heart too.
people, u don't laugh in the easy chair, otherwise chair will fall on the carpet. of course easychairman will fall in the sea of laughs.

sunil

[damienpaul]

too darn diddly true!!!

[bossman20081]

Ive always wondered whats growing in that beard of his.... :D

[Janice]

:huh: What is it with every one and that guy's beard?!

[damienpaul]

and that 'gentleman' (:blink:) does not mind the remarks made about his beard....

Welcome Janice and Calamity Jane

[bossman20081]

Yeah, he knows we're just joking around, right Damo?

[Spacemad]

Damo´s beard is the talk of the forum - practically everybody cracks some joke about it! I think I´m probably the exception to the general rule! :unsure:

One of these days something will inspire me & I´ll stop being the exception! :)

[jimmy]

I believe Dame's beard is so big that it has it's own zip code (postal code). :lol:

[damienpaul]

...and orbital path

[StarLab]

yeah, earth's gravitational pull is nine point something m/s^2...I wonder what it is for Dame's beard? Maybe it repels, instead of attracts. Hmm...

[wstevenbrown]

EXPERT (n., adj.) [ from Latin ex= has-been + AS spurt= a drip under pressure]

[Spacemad]

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I can't stop myself from laughing at the things you guys post here!!!!!!!

[damienpaul]

all hail, all hail!!

[Spacemad]

You're the King!

Was that meant as a pun on my name, Chook? :P

I see you tried to beat me with the smilies!!

Bossman, your jokes are hilarious & have me almost rolling about in stitches!!! :D :lol: :P

Between you & Chook you´re "killing" me of laughter!!! :D :lol: :P

[StarLab]

And I got the bazooka, just in case you're still alive. :P

[wstevenbrown]

Why is it that the typical Frenchman only has one egg for breakfast?

[StarLab]

Because he needs to save room for the wine! :lol: :P

[wstevenbrown]

Because he knows one egg is un oeuf! :P S

[SexyMorgan]

wi did da chicin cros da road? to get to da uther side man

[Spacemad]

Great joke, Chook, just great! The punch line was totally unexpected & had me roaring with laughter - till I remembered it was nearly 2 a.m. & my wife & daughter were asleep in bed & I might awaken them!! :P :D :lol:

I don´t think you will need to use your bazooka, StarLab!!! :P :lol:

[Janice]

:lol: I heard the turkey joke from my math teacher in March!... You tell it way better Chook. :)

Ah! another detention... my math teacher is also my computer teacher and he thinks he's some kind of comedian- instant detention if you don't like his jokes! <_<

[Spacemad]

:P :D :lol: Well, Chook, I got it right - first time - without scrolling down the page to see the answer!!!! :P :D :lol:

[Janice]

:lol: :D :lol:
Calamity Jane is gonna have a "long, hard life" (but I'm not! :P )

p.s Very funny!
:lol: :D :lol:

[Janice]

:( I know this is REALLY lame but I feel bad not posting any jokes...

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

(Once again I know this is lame and I apologise for wasting your time -_- )

[Spacemad]

:lol: :lol: :lol: ROTHFLMAOF!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[StarLab]

LOL I liked the last one...the librarian's telling me off for giggling. :D :lol:

[bossman20081]

Originally posted by StarLab@Dec 8 2004, 04:31 PM
LOL I liked the last one...the librarian's telling me off for giggling. :D :lol:
Sorry about that :D

[Spacemad]

Bossman, I was rolling around laughing over that parrot joke - it really tickled me!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[PaPayA]

LOL nice jokes... :lol:

[bossman20081]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Great one-liners adn I especially loved that blonde joke!

[galaxygirl]

A friend of mine sent me this one- I think he got it off some forum:

"Culture Differences between Aussies, Canadians, Americans, and Brits:

On National Pride:

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
On Helping Other Nations:

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
On their national Anthem:

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
On Television:

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
On Sports:

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
On the English Language:

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say.
On Shopping:

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
On Beer:

Americans: Drink weak, ****y-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, ****y-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ****.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
On Helping Others in Need

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers."
Submitted by Vicki, Kennet Square, Pa.

[damienpaul]

totally true!

[StarLab]

lol I think I've seen that too many times! :lol:

[ChromeStar]

here's alittle toilet humer!

alright, there where to bregies(homeless people) sitting in the street. man 1 said to man 2:

" MAN, i could really use a smoke. Anything, but i really need a smoke!"

So his friend man 2 says:

"i've got none, but we might try find a stompie(half finished cigirettes) at the train station, people always leave the them on the floors."" We better go before the cleaners sweep them up!"

So man 1 agrees and they go.

they get there and the man 1 says:

"We're to late they have already cleaned!!!"

so they sit there.

mean while there is a train still sitting at the station and onboard there was a soldier and a captain. now there train was a military train and had no toilet and the soldier needed to number 2 fast.

so he says to his captain:

"Captain i need to number 2 to fast!!! aND THERE AIN'T NO TOILET ON THE TRAIN"

[rahuldandekar]

Hi Chook,

and your glass is half full !!

[ChromeStar]

Ah No!!! :unsure: :blink: :(

[Spacemad]

AND FINALLY...FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

That's good,Chook! We should all be grateful for our friends that think enough about us to sent us some correspondence! :P

[virtualutopia]

A travelling salesman drops into a pub in the midwest. This pub is frequented by all sorts. Holidaymakers, travellers, miscreants, indians, everyone.

So this travelling salesman goes up to the bar and orders a drink. He sips it quietly whilst he enjoys taking in the atmosphere of the pub. He finishes his drink and pulls out a cigar and casually blows smoke some rings into the air.

After a few minutes of these smoke rings, an indian, who had been enjoying a drink of his own in a seat roughly opposite this guy, gets up, walks over to him and says, "If you don't stop calling me that, I'm gonna punch you inna face!"

:P :P :P :P :P

[virtualutopia]

Received in an email:
--------------
Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".

As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honour
system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this
Virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your co-operation.
-------------
:(

[Spacemad]

I read that joke some time ago, Chook, about the parrots, & couldn´t stop laughing for a long time!!! :D :lol:

The "IRISH VIRUS" is a good one!! :P

[ChromeStar]

Here' a dumb blond Joke or 2

Q: What do you do when a dumb blonde throws a granade @ you?

A: Pull the pin out and throw it back! :D

:lol: :lol:

Q: How do you drown a dumb blond?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool :D

:lol: :lol:

[greenbdb]

...............A few one liners for the group........................

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Spacemad]

:D :lol: :lol: :lol: That Christmas tale just had me rolling around in stiches LMAO!!!!

[virtualutopia]

There were these three guys and one day they happened across an enchanted slippery dip. There was a plaque at the bottom which read:

"Whomsoever slideth down this enchanted slippery dip shall receive that which he speaks".

So the first guy climbs up the ladder and slides down. As he slides, he says at the top of his voice "Money!!!" Sure enough, he lands at the bottom of the slide in a great pool filled with incredible wealth.

The second guy climbs up the ladder and slides down. As he slides, he calls out "Women!!!" and lands at the bottom in a great pool filled with the most beautiful women he had ever experienced.

The third guy climbs up the ladder and slides down. As he slides, he says at the top of his voice "wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

:blink:

[Betelgeuse]

I'm not much of a joker and excuse me for having such a lousy joke, but I'll give being a clown a go!

An Irish man was planning to send a manned probe to to explore the sun. He explained his mission plan to a member of NASA. The NASA member replied
"You're sending a manned probe to the sun? The crew'll get cooked to death! Are you crazy?"
The Irish man responded,
"You don't understand! The mission'll take place during the night!"

Not a good joke at all, but small things amuse my mind!

[StarLab]

Actually, that joke is already in use as a blonde joke.

[antoniseb]

Originally posted by StarLab@Jan 14 2005, 10:26 PM
Actually, that joke is already in use as a blonde joke.
I heard it in 1962 as a Polish joke, and repeated again as an Italian joke. None-the-less if you ignore who's getting insulted it's a funny silly twist to think of the sun being cool and dark at night. Thanks Rigel.

[rahuldandekar]

Here's a link : great jokes:

http://www.chemistry.mtu.edu/~pcharles/PIC...mPhysJokes.html (http://www.chemistry.mtu.edu/~pcharles/PICTUREBOOK/ChemPhysJokes.html)

[virtualutopia]

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on..."

;)

[Spacemad]

Virtualutopia: That moth joke was good! :D

I followed your link, rahuldandekar, but I didn´t like the jokes very much - they seemed like the sort you might hear at a junior school amongst lads about 11 - 15!

The joke about visiting the Sun at night, I, too, had seen as a blonde joke! (probably somewhere in this page! :) )

[virtualutopia]

Thanks Spacemad, there's something about those jokes that make you roll your eyes or shake your head that I find absolutely hilarious...

:D

[jimmy]

Agreed virtual and Madspace. Funny stuff. :lol: