Science jokes

[Clive Tester]

A positron meets an electron. Hey I’m anti matter says the positron. Are you sure asks the electron? Yes replies the positron, I’m positive. (Adapted from a joke that I saw on the front of a t- shirt.)

[antoniseb]

This can be a funny thread. Please be careful not to use previously known (and especially copyrighted) material here.

[clop]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.
The barman replies, "Certainly sir, that'll be 80p"


Where do you get mercury from?
HG Wells.



clop

[Swift]

A sodium atom walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "I think I lost an electron"
The bartender asks, "Are you positive?"

[clop]

What is the chemical formula for dog urine?
K9P


clop

[antoniseb]

What did the quartz say to the feldspar?
Don't take me for granite!

[clop]

Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so that he could watch television?

clop

[Eta C]

Well, here's my take on the classic (or not so classic) physics story.

Once upon a time there was a kingdom that was dependent on its dairy industry for survival (call it Wisconsin I suppose). One day, the cows in this kingdom stopped giving milk. For a day or two this was not a problem as adequate supplies of cheese, yogurt, and other dairy products were in storage. As the days lengthened to weeks, then months, however, supplies dwindled, and the lack of milk became a national crisis.

Naturally, the first people called in were the Royal Veterinarians. Despite all their medical tests, however, they could find nothing wrong with the cows. The King of Wisconsin, not a patient man, had them executed.The Royal Biologists were next. They failed, and met the same fate as the Vets. The Royal Genetecists fared no better.

Thinking that the problem might be in the grass itself, the King called in his Royal Agronomists. They found nothing different in the grass. "Off with their heads." The Royal Chemists also went to the block after finding no odd chemical imbalance or evidence of poison. The Royal Astronomer found no tidal effects and found himself subject to the tidal forces of the rack.

This went on as the King exhausted (and eliminated) all of his scientific corps. (Not very intelligent, was he?) Finally, the only scientist left was the Royal Physicist. He went upon the task diligently. He observed the cows. Took measurements, performed x-ray diffraction and other tests. He then retreated to his laboratory and began a long, detailed, multi-dimensional analysis of his data. People worried about his health, but the Royal Physicist labored on.

Finally, he appeared before the King: unshaven, in bad need of a haircut (OK, so this makes him no different from any other physicist) but clearly suffering from severe exhaustion. He presented the King with a lengthy report and told him, "Your Majesty. I'm sorry to say that I was unable to exactly determine why the cows have stopped giving milk. But I think that I have come up with a workable model that replicates their behavior and would have allowed the Royal Veterinarian to have treated them if you hadn't had the entire Royal Vet Corps executed. This report explains the model. You may be able to save the ... cows.. before....."

At this point the Royal Physicist dropped dead from exhaustion at the King's feet. Deeply moved, and hopeful, the King opened the report to see what needed to be done to restore the cows to full milk production. Upon opening the report, the abstract read,"

"Let us model the Cow as a perfect sphere..."

[Tensor]

snip....


"Let us model the Cow as a perfect sphere..."

LOL, I've heard that phrase, but not in that context. I wonder how many non-physicist types will understand it.

[clop]

Not good enough people, try harder.

clop

[Swift]

Not good enough people, try harder.

clop
Or what, you'll make us stay after class and clean the erasers? ;)

[Swift]

A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer are asked to prove or disprove by example that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine isn't prime. Disproven.

Chemist: One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine isn't prime, eleven is prime, thirteen is prime, fifteen isn't prime, seventeen is prime. I only had to throw out two data points... proven.

Engineer. three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime, eleven is prime,...

[antoniseb]

Engineer. three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime, eleven is prime,...

Alternative Theorist. two is prime. Disproven.

[Swift]

Three warning signs you may be a chemist:

1) You think a mole is a unit of amount (18 g of water, for example) rather than a small animal that digs up your lawn

2) You pronounce unionized as "un-ionized" rather than "union-ized"

3) You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

[Clive Tester]

Three warning signs you may be a chemist:

1) You think a mole is a unit of amount (18 g of water, for example) rather than a small animal that digs up your lawn

2) You pronounce unionized as "un-ionized" rather than "union-ized"

3) You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

#4 - chromatographer’s fingers.

[korjik]

hbar, the bar for physicists

[Eta C]

Featuring incompressable probablility fluid, on tap.

[Ronald Brak]

A social scientist was hiking through the country when a hot air ballon drifted overhead. A man in it called out, "Hey! Can you tell me where I am?"
The social scientist shouted to him, "You're 30 meters above me in a big balloon!"
"Brilliant!" said the man. "You must be an economist!"
"Yes I am, how did you know?" said the scientist.
"Because," replied the man, "Your answer was both completely correct and totally useless."
"Well you must be a politician," said the scientist.
"Yes I am! How did you know that?" said the man in the balloon.
"Because you have such a great view from up there and you still don't know where you are or where you're going."

[brianok]

Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help.
Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made up of some basic compounds
but most importantly --one part sodium. "You mean?" said Fern. Yes, said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

[Clive Tester]

hbar, the bar for physicists
Don't run into psi there - such a square.

[clop]

It must be true after all, scientists have no sense of humour.

:think:

And I don't believe anyone got my architect joke.

:naughty:

clop

[Ronald Brak]

Scientists have no sense of humour? My mandroids shall rip you apart for that insult!

That was a joke.

Okay, please explain your architect joke to us.

[clop]

Okay, please explain your architect joke to us.

It's subtle. You have to say it out loud. You'll know when you've got it.

:)

clop

[brianok]

Did you hear about the tap dancer that fell into the sink?

[Ronald Brak]

It's subtle. You have to say it out loud. You'll know when you've got it.

??? He wanted to watch TV so he had his house built first and then he designed it?

[mahesh]

two mice in a Skinner box....

one says to the other:
'see how i've conditioned our guy... every time i press this lever, he gives me a piece of cheese'...

[gwiz]

Okay, please explain your architect joke to us.
It would be difficult to explain without breaking the forum rules.

[ToSeek]

A social scientist was hiking through the country when a hot air ballon drifted overhead. A man in it called out, "Hey! Can you tell me where I am?"
The social scientist shouted to him, "You're 30 meters above me in a big balloon!"
"Brilliant!" said the man. "You must be an economist!"
"Yes I am, how did you know?" said the scientist.
"Because," replied the man, "Your answer was both completely correct and totally useless."
"Well you must be a politician," said the scientist.
"Yes I am! How did you know that?" said the man in the balloon.
"Because you have such a great view from up there and you still don't know where you are or where you're going."

I've also heard the punch line as, "Because you're entirely supported by hot air, you don't know where you or where you're going, and yet somehow it's now all my fault."

[clop]

It would be difficult to explain without breaking the forum rules.


Ha ha that's right! At least someone understands it!

clop

[swansont]

Take your pick (http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/science.html) (including a refinement, of sorts, to the spherical cow)

(No copyright issues, since they're mine.)

[Arneb]

A physics student, a medical student, and a law student are all given the task of learning New Yorks City's telephone book by heart.
"Why?" asks the physics student.
"Till when?" asks the medical student
"Yellow Pages, too?" asks the law student,

[TheBlackCat]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Pierre de Fermat: I just don’t have room here to give the full explanation.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Pierre de Fermat: I just don’t have room here to give the full explanation.

Q: What is a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.

CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent -- a gerbil if the machine is a 286 model, a ferret if it's a 386, and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Physicists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.

Q: What is the chemical formula for water?
A: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
(H-to-O)

-If an apparently serious problem manifests itself, no solution is acceptable unless it is involved, expensive and time-consuming;
-Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring credit upon the performing personnel -- it merely proves that the task was easier than expected;
-Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge;
-Sufficient monies to do the job correctly the first time are usually not available; however, ample funds are much more easily obtained for repeated major redesigns.
(IEEE Spectrum)

If it’s green or wriggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
If it is useful, it’s engineering.

Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?
A: It’s a gluon that’s not completely dry

Q: Why are elves chaotic?
A: Brownian motion...




Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"




A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week. Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Look I'm a scientist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."




Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses, culled from depositions and trial transcripts. Here's a classic:

Lawyer: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Lawyer: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Lawyer: OK, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: He came into the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Lawyer: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Lawyer: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Lawyer: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.
Lawyer: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.



Sorry, I may have gotten some of these from other joke topics here. If so I apologize, I don't keep track of where I get them.

[Maksutov]

Ha ha that's right! At least someone understands it!

clopWell, doggone, I got it too!

Two psychiatrists are walking towards each other on a Fifth Avenue sidewalk. As they pass, one psychiatrist says, "How are you?"

The other psychiatrist doesn't say anything in return, but about five minutes later he stops, rubs his goatee, and thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

[Maksutov]

[edit]CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent -- a gerbil if the machine is a 286 model, a ferret if it's a 386, and a ferret on speed if it's a 486...Whoa, that's an old one!

[Swift]

Take your pick (http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/science.html) (including a refinement, of sorts, to the spherical cow)

(No copyright issues, since they're mine.)
:clap: :lol:
Those are great.

[Tensor]

A surgeon, and engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about who's profession was older. The surgeon argued that God had put Adam to sleep and taken out a rib, and that was an operation, and so claimed the title.

The engineer, said "wait a minute", 7 days prior, God had created the world out of chaos, that's an engineering feat", and claimed the title.

"Hold on", said the lawyer, "who do you think created the chaos?"

This may be more of a lawyer joke, but it does have a Doctor and engineer.

[pghnative]

A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer are asked to prove or disprove by example that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine isn't prime. Disproven.

Chemist: One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine isn't prime, eleven is prime, thirteen is prime, fifteen isn't prime, seventeen is prime. I only had to throw out two data points... proven.

Engineer. three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime, eleven is prime,...

In retribution:

A group of engineers and a group of mathemmaticians were travelling by train. All of the mathematicians had tickets, but only one of the engineers had remembered to buy a ticket. Of course, the mathematicians all snickered at the dumb engineers.

Just before the conductor entered the car, all of the engineers got up, crammed themselves into one of the restrooms. When the conductor knocked, they slid the ticket out. The conductor punched it, and went on.

On the way back, the mathematicians did the same trick, and only bought one ticket for the group. But this time, the engineers had no tickets -- apparantly they had forgotten whose job it was to get the ticket. Again, the mathematicians snickered at the dumb engineers.

Just before the conductor enterred the car, all of the mathematicians got up and crammed themselves into one of the restrooms. all of the engineers got up, and crammed themselves into another restroom. All except one engineer, who went up, knocked on the mathematicians door, and took their ticket.

[pghnative]

A surgeon, and engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about who's profession was older. The surgeon argued that God had put Adam to sleep and taken out a rib, and that was an operation, and so claimed the title.

The engineer, said "wait a minute", 7 days prior, God had created the world out of chaos, that's an engineering feat", and claimed the title.

"Hold on", said the lawyer, "who do you think created the chaos?"

This may be more of a lawyer joke, but it does have a Doctor and engineer.
A group of engineers were having a similar argument. They figured that God had to be an engineer --- but which discipline?

The EE felt that God had to be an electrical engineer, since animals are controlled by nerve impulses.

The ChE felt that God had to be a chemical engineer, since all processes, both plant and animal, were ultimately run by chemical reactions.

Then the CE concluded that God absolutely had to be a Civil Engineer. Who else but a civil engineer would run a wastewater channel directly through a recreation area.

[teddyv]

Q: What's new?




A: C over lambda.

[ToSeek]

This (http://scienceblogs.com/principles/2006/06/true_lab_stories_maybe_you_sho.php) is apparently a true story, but it's worth sharing anyway.

It's been a while since I did a True Lab Story, and it seems like an appropriate sort of topic for a rainy Friday when I have grades to finish. I'm running out of really good personal anecdotes, but there are still a few left before I have to move entirely to hearsay. And who knows, maybe I'll break something in spectacular fashion between now and then...

Anyway, lab safety offices are a rich source of True Lab Stories. Not just because they have to clean up from the really spectacular disasters, but also because their desire to prevent disasters sometimes leads to inflexible applications of policies that make little scientific sense. This tends to butt up against the natural inclination of scientists to do whatever they damn well please (if we were good at conforming to rules, we'd get more dates), which occasionally produces amusing results.

The best clash between lab safety officials and physicists that I personally witnessed was probably the Great Nitrogen Spill of 1996.

Continued at the link.

[TheBlackCat]

This is another true story, according a friend of mine.

Apparently his undergraduate physics professor was a little nuts. He was the sort of guy who would drink liquid nitrogen (don't try it at home kids, it's a wonder this guy is still alive). Well, anyway. Apparently he went to another physics class and saw a great physics lecture by another professor.

On the first day, the other professor said to the class, "I am going to show you how much I trust the stuff I am going to teach you in class." So he walked up to a bowling ball he had hanging by a rope from the ceiling in the middle of the auditorium. He grabbed the bowling ball, walked to one side of the room, held it up to his nose, then standing very still released it. The bowling ball, doing what any pendulum would do, swung to the other side of the room, then swung back right at his face, stopping a fraction of an inch from his nose.

My friend's professor was very impressed, and decided he would incorporate it into to his own lecture for my friend's year. Before the first day, he set up a bowling ball hanging from the ceiling in exactly the same manner. Like the other professor, he said "I am going to show you how much I trust the stuff I am going to teach you in class." So he grabbed the bowling ball, walked to one side of the room, held the bowling ball up to his nose, then while standing very still pushed the bowling ball forward...

[Van Rijn]

So he grabbed the bowling ball, walked to one side of the room, held the bowling ball up to his nose, then while standing very still pushed the bowling ball forward...

Heh! How hard did he push? Did he need medical treatment?

[Ronald Brak]

Apparently his undergraduate physics professor was a little nuts. He was the sort of guy who would drink liquid nitrogen (don't try it at home kids, it's a wonder this guy is still alive).

There is an insane trick where you put liquid nitrogen in your mouth, but you can't actually drink it. I read about someone who did drink some and it didn't go well. It turns to gas inside you and your stomache is not a balloon.

[Arneb]

On the first day, the other professor said to the class, "I am going to show you how much I trust the stuff I am going to teach you in class." So he walked up to a bowling ball he had hanging by a rope from the ceiling in the middle of the auditorium. He grabbed the bowling ball, walked to one side of the room, held it up to his nose, then standing very still released it. The bowling ball, doing what any pendulum would do, swung to the other side of the room, then swung back right at his face, stopping a fraction of an inch from his nose.

My physics teacher did that as well (of course without the pushing) with a heavy iron ball suspend from the middle of the ceiling. He released it with his head against the wall. We were positively shrieking when it missed his head by a milimetre or so (this solid 20 kg or so ball hung on a thin wire, so there was very little friction and we saw a very, very near miss...).

Now who said, "if it doesn't work, it's physics?"?

[cjl]

Yeah - I've done that one before. Scares you a bit to see the bowling ball (we used a 16lb bowling ball on thin steel wire) coming up to hit you in the face (or so your body thinks) and stopping just fractionally short.

[swansont]

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish.


———

(One needs to listen to this one)

A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

[Eta C]

Count me as one of those who've done the bowling ball demo. The real trick is to ignore the ball and keep the banter up the whole time it's moving and totally ignore it as it comes back up toward your face. The other good demo was shooting the falling monkey with the dart gun. We used real darts and you could always hear a convincing thud as poor Zip took another one for science.

So, an astronomy related one.

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, as that's the only place it will be observable. He falls afoul of the local cannibals, however, and is captured on the day before the eclipse. Since the eclipse is due around noon he decides to pull the old "Release me or I'll put out the sun" trick. Obviously, this won't work if they kill him before the eclipse, so he needs to find out when the cannibals normally kill their captives.

The astronomer knows a few words of the language, so he asks his guard how much time he has left. The guard replies, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."

"Great," thinks the astronomer. "I couldn't ask for better timing."

The guard continues though. "But since we're really excited about it in your case we've decided to wait until after the eclipse."


-------

Then the short one. A gorilla, a penguin, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this? A joke?"

[Dave Mitsky]

Have you heard the one about the not-too-bright astronomer who was puzzled about where the Sun went when it set?

So he pondered the matter for an entire night and finally it dawned on him.

Dave Mitsky

[mahesh]

haa

:D

at the crank of dawn?

[Inferno]

Still don't get the cow or architect ones. Can someone help us laymen!

[AGN Fuel]

Still don't get the cow or architect ones. Can someone help us laymen!

Can't help with the architect one.

The cow one is having a joke at theoretical physicists who assume perfect conditions when modelling a scenario to simplify calculations, etc (e.g assume a perfectly frictionless surface, let's assume a perfect black body object, given a 2-body gravitational system, etc etc etc)

Of course, as with a spherical cow, perfect conditions don't exist in real life.

[mickal555]

An economist, a physicist, and a mathematician were on vacation in Scotland. From a train window, they saw a black sheep in the middle of a field. "How interesting", observed the economicist, "all Scottish sheep are black." To which the physicist replied "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!" The mathematician then intoned, "In Scotland, there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

[pghnative]

...some of the time

[mahesh]

haa haa...Eta C!! (i like, i like)
:D

yah and these cannibals had earlier captured a guy...loved him so...

head cannibal: what is your profession?
guy: i am an editor!
head cannibal: okay, we'll make you editor-in-chief!

[Melusine]

Take your pick (http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/science.html) (including a refinement, of sorts, to the spherical cow)

(No copyright issues, since they're mine.)
I just wanted to say, Swansont, that those gave me a good chuckle yesterday (and a chuckle at work is so needed). For whatever reason I liked these the best:
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/boymeetsgirl.html
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/geologist.html
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/sorry.html
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/save.jpg

:lol:

[Big Brother Dunk]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender said, “Rene can I get you a beer?”
Rene said, “I think not.”
And *POOF*, he disappeared!

[Big Brother Dunk]

Here's a pretty good site with some good science cartoons:

S. Harris Astronomy Cartoons (http://www.sciencecartoonsplus.com/galastro2.htm)

[swansont]

I just wanted to say, Swansont, that those gave me a good chuckle yesterday (and a chuckle at work is so needed). For whatever reason I liked these the best:
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/boymeetsgirl.html
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/geologist.html
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/sorry.html
http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/save.jpg

:lol:


Thanks (and also to Swift, for similar comments a few post back). :D

[Strider1974]

The Lord of the Rings, as told by a Sysadmin
Management: The Ring MUST be destroyed.

Sysadmin: How do you want me to destroy the Ring?

Management: It must be dropped into the fires whence it was forged. Can you do it?

Sysadmin: Yes, but...

Management: Spare me the details, talk to the Project Officer.

Project Officer (unfolding plan): The Ring is currently in the possession of the Ringbearer, in The Shire, here. We need it dropped in Orodruin, here.

Sysadmin (glances at plan): That's easy, give me the Eagle King, I'll have him pick up the Ringbearer in the Shire, fly across Middle Earth, and drop Frodo straight into the fires of Mount Doom.

Project Officer: You can't do that!

Sysadmin: But it's the most elegant solution with the least overhead and minimal downtime.

Project Officer: Well, Marketing feel it would be a better epic struggle of Good vs. Evil if you did it as some sort of land-based quest.

Sysadmin (rolls eyes, thinks for a moment): OK then, give me an army of dwarves, they'll tunnel under Mount Doom, diverting its lava flow right up to the mines of Moria. Then Frodo can have an Elvish escort to the Misty Mountains, meet the lava half way, and drop the Ring in.

Project Officer: Mmmm, no. Budget won't allow such an extravagant solution. We're not made of money you know.

Sysadmin (thinks for a longer moment): OK, I can do it with just an army of Elves, but it'll be a close call.

Project Officer: Sorry, but that's out of the question. HR need us to represent all the races of Middle-Earth in the solution or it will conflict with our Equal Employment policy.

Sysadmin (thinks for a l-o-n-g, sullen, moment): RIGHT! Give me a dwarf, an elf, a wizard, two men and four hobbits. But first I'll have to re-route the Fellowship via the mines of Moria, as there's too much traffic in the gap of Rohan. Also, the firewall at Mordor means we'll need a consultant to hack another way in - and he'll probably turn out to be flaky. And it'll take until half way through the Fourth Age to do it.

Project Officer: That's too long! It has to be done by the end of the Third Age!

Sysadmin (smoke pouring out of ears): WHAT! OK, but we'll have to do it on practically no sleep, run hundreds of leagues barefoot without rest, eating nothing but lembas to keep awake. By the time the Fellowship get anywhere near Mordor, Sauron's army will have hacked into Gondor, and most of Fangorn will have crashed to the ground. And there'll be a massive bottlenecks at Helm's Deep because there's not enough resources to handle the increased load. You can also expect the Shire to be scoured but then that's probably outside your terms of reference.

Project Officer: But can it be done?

Sysadmin: Yes, but...

Project Officer: Right then! Excellent! You could have just told me that at the start instead of being so difficult about it...

[Strider1974]

Things people have actually said in court, word for word


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

[Swift]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender said, “Rene can I get you a beer?”
Rene said, “I think not.”
And *POOF*, he disappeared!
:lol:
Proving the last line of the Monty Python song "I drink therefore I am" ;)

[Big Brother Dunk]

:lol:
Proving the last line of the Monty Python song "I drink therefore I am" ;)
I suppose a response from Popeye would be appropriate...

"I yam what I yam"
:D

[Maksutov]

I suppose a response from Popeye would be appropriate...

"I yam what I yam"
:DNow that's a remarkable exposé. Here we all are thinking Popeye needs spinach for his (somewhat) superpowers, but it's actually sweet potatoes that bring out the best in him!

:lol:

[TheBlackCat]

Q: Name 3 famous Poles
A: North, South, and Tad

Here's an astronomy limerick:

An astronomer up in Poughkeepsie
Once picked the wrong day to be tipsy;
When the moon hid the sun
He missed all the fun
And never did he the eclipse see!


This is a pseudoscience-related joke:

Edgar Finch's Doom

One dark and dismal night a young man named Edgar Finch was passing a fortune-teller's parlor when he felt a sudden strange and irresistable impulse to go inside and have his fortune told.

Seated at a table in a dimly lit room was a withered old crone in a Gypsy costume. She asked Edgar a few questions in a low, hoarse voice, then leaned forward and peered deeply into the large crystal ball that stood on the table before her.

She scarcely looked into the crystal ball when she fell back in her chair with a shriek.

"Death! I see Death!" she wailed. "Go! I must tell you no more! Go! Go!" she cried, and Edgar Finch turned and rushed ino the night filled with a sense of impending doom.

Edgar is eighty-five now, but to this day he has never quite got rid of that sense of impending doom.

[Big Brother Dunk]

Now that's a remarkable exposé. Here we all are thinking Popeye needs spinach for his (somewhat) superpowers, but it's actually sweet potatoes that bring out the best in him!

:lol:
And that's exactly what the very powerful and secretive Canned Spinach Cabal would have you believe.

[tdvance]

Another true story:

A coworker, when he took college chemistry, had a labmate who spilled iodine on his shirt. The TA said, "Use ammonia to get it out". The student did so and hung the shirt up to dry. As soon as it was dry, it exploded. (Ammonium iodide is very unstable!).

Now for the joke--

how many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

answer: no number will suffice; lightbulbs are Edison's scheme to get people to buy his electricity!


Todd

[peteshimmon]

There are a few variations on this I think.
The three laws of Thermodynamics; 1) You
cannot win. 2) You cannot break even.
3) You cannot get out of the game! Story of
my life:(

[swansont]

There are a few variations on this I think.
The three laws of Thermodynamics; 1) You
cannot win. 2) You cannot break even.
3) You cannot get out of the game! Story of
my life:(


All you need to know about mechanics:

F=ma
You can't push a rope
pumps don't suck

[clop]

Edgar is eighty-five now, but to this day he has never quite got rid of that sense of impending doom.

That is hilarious. But I can't work out why.

Anyway, you reminded me of another joke:


What is the most common owl in Britain?
The Teet.


clop

[grant hutchison]

:doh: Housemaid! :doh:

Grant Hutchison

[clop]

:doh: Housemaid! :doh:

Grant Hutchison

:dance:

Grant have you really been thinking about that for 15 days?

Heh heh. Yay.

clop

[pghnative]

:doh: Housemaid! :doh:

Grant HutchisonAaahhh -- thank you:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[GDwarf]

F=ma

Or, as my teacher last year said, the Oedipus equation. (Fun = MA)
Yes, we groaned too.

[TheBlackCat]

Or, as my teacher last year said, the Oedipus equation. (Fun = MA)
Yes, we groaned too.

Yes, as my English teacher said: "If you live in an incestuous family, you always have a date to the prom".

We were actually talking about about King Arthur at that point, though. My English teachers were all perverts, and not the least bit subtle about it.

[Eta C]

Not a science joke, but leave it to Tom Lehrer to have a song about it. As I recall, (correct if wrong.)

There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex,
You may have heard about his odd complex.
His name appears in Freud's index,
'Cause he loved his mother."

and at the end,

So be sweet and kind to mother.
Now and then have a chat.
Buy her candies or some flowers
or a brand new hat.
But maybe you had better let it go at that.

OK. So while reviewing the Leher canon I came across a few other classics. One is the well known "Elements" song. Another is that paean to scientific plagerism "Lobachevsky." Then there's the anthem to above-ground nuclear testing, "The Wild West is Where I Want To Be."

Midst the Yucca, and the Cactus,
I'll watch them fellas practice,
Dropping bombs in the clean desert breeze. Yeeeeeeha.
I'll put on a sombrera,
And of course I'll wear a
Pair of Levi's over my lead BVD's.

[afterburner]

There is no evolution...Chuck Norris decided which species he wanted to live

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space with the naked eye.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

[TheBlackCat]

Not a science joke, but leave it to Tom Lehrer to have a song about it. As I recall, (correct if wrong.)

Ah yes, I have more than a few of Tom Leher's on my playlist. I felt I had better leave that one off, though.

While we are on the subject of nuclear weapons, Tom has a few other good ones:

We'll All Go Together When We Go:

No more ashes, no more sackcloth
And an arm band made of black cloth
Will some day nevermore adorn a sleeve
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbors too
There'll be nobody left behind to grieve

and a bit later:
We will all go together when we go
All suffused with an incandescent glow
No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go

That one is also not on my playlist for obvious reasons.

Another is:

Who's Next?

One of the big news items of the past year concerned the fact that China, which we called "Red China," exploded a nuclear bomb, which we called "a device". Then Indonesia announced that it was going to have one soon, and proliferation became the word of the day. Here's a song about that:

And the end:

Luxembourg is next to go,
And (who knows?) maybe Monaco.
We'll try to stay serene and calm
When Alabama gets the bomb.
Who's next?
Who's next?
Who's next?
Who's next?

And one more:

Pollution

See the halibuts and the sturgeons
Being wiped out by detergents
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly
But they don't last long if they try
...
Pollution, pollution
Wear a gas mask and a veil
Then you can breathe
Long as you don't inhale

[GDwarf]

Boyle's law (As applied to politics): The greater the external pressure, the greater the volume of hot air.

~Flanders and Swann

[Gopi-Kun]

This is probably a lame math joke, but here goes (Warning: I have NO sense of comedic time):

What type of timber grows over time, instead of decaying?

A natural log.

[TheBlackCat]

What type of timber grows over time, instead of decaying?

A natural log.

Wow, that one is so bad it is good.

Reminds me a picture I have:

(click for larger version)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v89/toddrme/HappyFaceMath2.gif (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v89/toddrme/HappyFaceMath.gif)

[snarkophilus]

Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so that he could watch television?

clop

Oh dear... it took me a good ten minutes to figure out, but it was well worth it! :)

[GDwarf]

Oh dear... it took me a good ten minutes to figure out, but it was well worth it! :)
I still don't get it, I tried looking for an explanation which got me house made = housemaid, which still confuses me.

[swansont]

I still don't get it, I tried looking for an explanation which got me house made = housemaid, which still confuses me.


You have to think in canine coordinates, perhaps.

[Lance]

You have to think in canine coordinates, perhaps.
Oooooohhhhhhhh!!!

ROFL!

[Frog march]

if you type the explanation as a web address you would get banned for 2 weeks. think norkers.

[pghnative]

If it helps, there is a similar joke questioning the habits of a Canadian husband and wife. The punchline is that they both wanted to watch the hockey game.

[hobartstinson]

An optimist says the glass is half full.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty.
An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[hobartstinson]

OK nerds, take notes:
Scientists are now able to absolutely prove that girls are evil.
Proof:
First, we all know that girls are the product of time and money:
GIRLS = (TIME) * (MONEY)
And as we all know time is money:
TIME = MONEY
Therefore: GIRLS = (MONEY) * (MONEY)
Which we rewrite: GIRLS = MONEY^2
Now we also know that money is the root of all evil:
MONEY = SQRT(EVIL)
Square both sides of the last equation:
MONEY^2 = EVIL
Compared with the last equation for GIRLS you get:
GIRLS = EVIL
Done.

[swansont]

An optimist says the glass is half full.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty.
An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

It's a poor engineer (or a wet one) that doesn't take into account a spillage safety margin. Beer could be a stake, after all.

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

If it helps, there is a similar joke questioning the habits of a Canadian husband and wife. The punchline is that they both wanted to watch the hockey game.
UGH ...

I Have Worse, Muuch Worse, in Fact ...

My Brother, Actually Did That!

:eh:

[swansont]

Time is Money, and Knowledge is Power, so Knowledge = Power = Work/Time = Work/Money

Therefore

Money = Work/Knowledge

The less you know, the more money you make. That seems to explain management...

[Lord Jubjub]

Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern statement of the three laws of thermodynamics)
1. You can't win.
2. You can't even break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:

Every majoy philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.
To wit:
"1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
"2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
"3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

Goldberg's Corollary of Freeman's Commentary on Ginsburg's Theorem:

A Charlatan Then Utilizes These Assumptions, to Take ALL of Everyone's Money!!!!

[peteshimmon]

People exploit other people in Capitalism and
in Communism its the other way round. There is
Mutualism where folks are glad to help others!
You will find this in Heaven:)

[TheBlackCat]

There is Mutualism where folks are glad to help others!

Actually, technically that is communism. What is commonly called "communism" is really an extreme form of socialism. True communism has never existed in this world.

[Frog march]

Actually, technically that is communism. What is commonly called "communism" is really an extreme form of socialism. True communism has never existed in this world.


I think what is commonly called "communism"(USSR as an example) is just a totalitarianism, socialism doesn't enter into it really IMO. But you're right, there probably has never been true communism in the world unless you count Cuba.

[clop]

I think what is commonly called "communism"(USSR as an example) is just a totalitarianism, socialism doesn't enter into it really IMO. But you're right, there probably has never been true communism in the world unless you count Cuba.

How is this funny. I don't understand these jokes.

clop

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

How is this funny. I don't understand these jokes.

clop
How About This One:

An Older Russian is Interviewed By their New Liberal Media, and Asked, "Which System Do you Like Better, Communism or Democracy?"

"I Prefer Democracy," is The Reply.

"But Why, Don't Have a Better Place to Live, Now?"

"No, Back Then I Had a Wonderful Apartment, I Could Not Complain."

"But, Isn't There Better Schooling, Now?"

"No, I Had a Wonderful Communist Education, I Could Not Complain."

"But, Aren't you Working at a Better Job, Now?"

"No, I Had a Wonderful Job In an Armaments Factory, I Could Not Complain."

"Well, If Things Were So Much Better Then, Why Do you Prefer it Now?" The Reporter Asks Incredulously.

"Simple, NOW, I Can Complain!" she Screams.

[TheBlackCat]

I think what is commonly called "communism"(USSR as an example) is just a totalitarianism, socialism doesn't enter into it really IMO.
It was socialism. Everything was owned by the state. That is socialism (albiet an extreme form of it).

But you're right, there probably has never been true communism in the world unless you count Cuba.
Cuba is no more communist than other "communist" countries. It has money, which cannot exist it communism. It has a government, which cannot exist in communism. It has oppression, which cannot exist in communism. People have to be directed, which they should not be in communism. People are as selfish as anywhere else, which they would not be under communism.

In reality Cuba cannot be communist. No country can. Communism is be its very nature worldwide. The very term "communist country" is an oxymoron. Not that this is possible either, because it assumes that humans will somehow magically stop acting like humans.

[Frog march]

It was socialism. Everything was owned by the state. That is socialism (albiet an extreme form of it).


how would you distinguish socialism from totalitarian regimes which would also own most of the factories etc in a country?

[TheBlackCat]

how would you distinguish socialism from totalitarian regimes which would also own most of the factories etc in a country?
In socialism (more extreme forms at least) it isn't just factories. In the USSR and China farms were also owned by the state. Totalitarianism is a form of government. Socialism is an economic system, what form of government it is used by is theoretically irrelevant (although in practice large-scale, extremely socialist economies tend to also be totalitarian, since it is difficult if not impossible to maintain socialism otherwise). The degree of socialism found in "communist" countries varied a lot over time. It was quickly found that a purely state-owned economy could not be maintained, so "temporary" capatilist policies were implement to keep the economy from completely collapsing. Nevertheless even the much more limited degree (albeit still relatively large amount) of socialism proved infeasible long-term.

[Ronald Brak]

Q. Why doesn't Liverpool have a space program?
A. They haven't been able to find a milk bottle big enough.

Q. Why did the quark get all the girls?
A. He had charm.
Q. Why couldn't he put everything on his credit card?
A. He only had two thirds charge.

Q. Why did the nuclear physicist go to the gay bar?
A. To find top and bottom quarks.

[Clive Tester]

The answer is: Indeed, I am not a 1.47 magnitude star in the constellation Canis Major.

But what was the question?

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

The answer is: Indeed, I am not a 1.47 magnitude star in the constellation Canis Major.

But what was the question?
Question:

You Can't ACTUALLY Be Sirius, Can you?

:doh:

[94z07]

Ha ha that's right! At least someone understands it!

clop


homophone for made /wink

[94z07]

Dr. Pun Phd. wrote:

Why did the boy genius put wheels on a resistor?

He wanted to make mobile Ohms!

What’s the finest German organic chemistry universal solvent?

Mercedes Benzene!

[Sticks]

A piece of graffitti I came across

Potasium Ethoxide Rules

C2H5OK

[pghnative]

In a somewhat similar vein --- what do you call two rabbits standing side by side, holding a single hula hoop between them?

The ether bunny.

[Sticks]

Also there is the ever popular

- 273.15 RULES 0K

[ToSeek]

Statistician's voice mail:

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

[Spock Jenkins]

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer were riding together in a car. The vehicle came to a sudden stop, and the three engineers looked quizzically at each other, wondering what the problem might be.
The mechanical engineeer recommended checking the various belts.
The electrical engineer suggested that they trace the wires of the vehicle to try to locate a short or a break.
But then the Microsoft engineer came up with a clever idea: "Why don`t we just close all the windows, shut off the engine, get out of the vehicle, have a cup of coffee, get back into the vehicle, restart the engine, re-open the windows, and maybe the car will be able to go."

[ToSeek]

I've heard a variation with the software engineer saying, "No, the first thing we need to do is to push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[Clive Tester]

Question:

You Can't ACTUALLY Be Sirius, Can you?

:doh:
Close, but not quite the correct quote.
A clue – a surreal image: as he glares at the man on the high chair, with tennis racket pointing skyward he shouts – YOU CANNOT BE SIRIUS!

[Roy Batty]

Mac Enroe antics methinks, chalk dust! :)

[Clive Tester]

Mac Enroe antics methinks, chalk dust! :)

Correct :)

[peteshimmon]

Is punctuation an art or a science? Decide for
yourself if you can punctuate the following
to make sense.... In the exam James whereas
John had had had had had had had had had had had
the examiners approval. I have given you a full
stop:)

[Roy Batty]

GILLIANREN!!! WE NEEEEEED YOU!!! :D

Well, you can knock that 4th dot from the ellipsis for a start! ;)

[DaveManEternal]

I'm sorry if something similar has been posted, but this just kind of came to me and I thought it seemed applicable.

One night at the H-Bar, Energy and Dark Matter were sharing drinks, as were Matter and Dark Energy. Things seemed to be going well between Matter and Dark Energy when Matter suddenly groaned, stood up, and walked away.
"What's the matter, Matter, it seemed like things were going well?"
"Are you kidding," Matter responded, "he was repulsive!"

[Gillianren]

GILLIANREN!!! WE NEEEEEED YOU!!! :D

Well, you can knock that 4th dot from the ellipsis for a start! ;)

I've been summoned! And into a forum I don't normally read, at that!

First off, the fourth "dot" is absolutely necessary, since he's ending a sentence. It's the period--or, if you're English, the full stop.

In the exam, James whereas John had had had had had had had had had had had the examiners approval.

I've read this one before somewhere, though I seem to recall it as "In the exam, James had had 'had,' wheras John had had 'had had'; 'had had' had had the examiners' (or possibly examiner's, depending on how many there were) approval." The sentence as written makes no sense, no matter how you punctuate it. (Note that the single quotation marks are because I have the whole of the sentence in double quotation marks; if I put another quoted bit inside the single quotation marks, it would again be double quotation marks, and so forth.) It's the "James whereas John" bit that's throwing me.

[rahuldandekar]

I've been summoned! And into a forum I don't normally read, at that!

First off, the fourth "dot" is absolutely necessary, since he's ending a sentence. It's the period--or, if you're English, the full stop.

"In the exam, James had had 'had,' wheras John had had 'had had'; 'had had' had had the examiners' (or possibly examiner's, depending on how many there were) approval." The sentence as written makes no sense, no matter how you punctuate it. It's the "James whereas John" bit that's throwing me.

:clap: I thought it was impossible. Peteshimmon has given a very hard problem.

Could it be:

In the exam, James, whereas John had "had had", had had "had "; "had had" had had the examiner's approval.

I guess "whereas" can work after a comma. :think:

[Gillianren]

No, you're right; I missed that one.

[Kennewick_man]

Loosely scientific -- we'll call it a biology joke.

What's long, brown and sticky????




a stick.

[Clive Tester]

Loosely scientific -- we'll call it a biology joke.

What's long, brown and sticky????




a stick.

I'll sleep like a log, tonight.
To the base 10?
No, naturally, to the base e.

[Roy Batty]

I'll sleep like a log, tonight.
To the base 10?
No, naturally, to the base e.
Enjoy your Nap(ier) :)

[mugaliens]

It must be true after all, scientists have no sense of humour.

:think:

And I don't believe anyone got my architect joke.

:naughty:

clop

You're right - we didn't.

[mugaliens]

I think what is commonly called "communism"(USSR as an example) is just a totalitarianism, socialism doesn't enter into it really IMO. But you're right, there probably has never been true communism in the world unless you count Cuba.

USSR communism is a totalitarian's ideal of implementing pure socialism that failed as socialism, communism, and totalitarianism.

It now consists of either oblasts, republics, okrugs, krays, federal cities, and 1 autonomous oblast, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the totalitarianistic's approach to communistic socialism leads to schizophrenia.

[clop]

You're right - we didn't.

Actually a surprising number of people did get it. Put your thinking cap on.

clop

[Sticks]

The latest one I here in the scientific community is the one where to qualify as a planet you must clear your orbit . . .

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

Actually a surprising number of people did get it. Put your thinking cap on.

clop
Yes ...

And Then Watch the Hockey Game ...

BUT, Don't Let Anyone Get in your Way!

[pghnative]

Actually a surprising number of people did get it. Put your thinking cap on.

clop
And if you don't own a thinking cap, have one maid for you.

[suntrack2]

is there a uniform book of science jokes, to tell the childrens. info please.

[mahesh]

is there a uniform book of science jokes, to tell the childrens. info please.


sunil....just google, maaaan....

you'll have more jokes to share...than from a book
you could print them off as / when you like

[Weird Dave]

So an electron and a proton were dating, and got engaged, but just before the wedding the electron got cold feet.

"We just aren't suited for each other," she said. "You're an up-town, upper-class proton and I'm just a working class electron from the wrong side of the tracks. I could lose my job any minute, and you don't earn enough for the two of us. I want to live in the city even though you'll miss the countryside so much; we like different music, different movies, different restaurants. And we've started arguing every night..."

"Rubbish!" exclaimed the proton. "Why do you have to be negative all the time?"

:neutral:

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

So an electron and a proton were dating, and got engaged, but just before the wedding the electron got cold feet.

"We just aren't suited for each other," she said. "You're an up-town, upper-class proton and I'm just a working class electron from the wrong side of the tracks. I could lose my job any minute, and you don't earn enough for the two of us. I want to live in the city even though you'll miss the countryside so much; we like different music, different movies, different restaurants. And we've started arguing every night..."

"Rubbish!" exclaimed the proton. "Why do you have to be negative all the time?"

:neutral:
Reminds me of My Ex ...

So, Why Is it The One in a Relationship Who Starts Most of The Fiights ...

Is Also The One Who COMPLAINS About Having them?

[Peter Wilson]

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

[Tog_]

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


The version of this I got many yers ago had a different outcome, but oddly, the same answer:
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of TheresaLeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.

[Paul Beardsley]

"My wife flew into the ionosphere."
"Heaviside?"
"Well, she could do with losing a few kilos."

"My wife travelled back in time to the ice age."
"Wurm?"
"No, it was bloomin' freezing!"

"My wife used to date a famous quantum physicist."
"Feynman?"
"No, he cheated on her."

There was a student called Rhea who was studying molecular biology. She was also a qualified chiropodist, and she had a sideline attending to people's feet. She made so much money doing this that a lot of other students - including me - tried to cheat her out of her money. But Rhea was really shrewd, and she laughed at the feeble attempts to part her from her well-earned cash.

But one day Rhea paid me to show her my big left toe. She thought she had found some very strange DNA there. She assumed it was DNA from the cell's nucleus but she was wrong - mitochondria!

[Rejinx]

How many computer engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a software problem

How many computer scientest does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a hardware problem

[triclon]

So we all know that the sky is blue because of Rayleigh scattering, right?

So is Rayleigh living in Israel? (say that out loud several times).

[Sean Clayden]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac that lay awake all night worrying about the existence of dog..........

[KaiYeves]

Witch 1: Did you hear about those guys who flew their brooms up to the Stratosphere?
Witch 2: No.
Witch 1: They won the Hex-Prize.

[Noclevername]

How many geocentrists does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

None, they just let the whole Universe rotate around it.

[KaiYeves]

You won't get this if you're not a Star Warrior, but...
What Twi'lek designed SpaceShipOne?
Burt Rutian.

[Noclevername]

Your momma's so fat, she's over Chandrasekhar's Limit!

EDIT: Ooh, I'm gonna use that on the Insults thread too!

[Fadingstar]

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! But the lightbulb must really want to be changed.
----------
How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish!

[Sticks]

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb

None - That's a hardware problem

[EndeavorRX7]

Two hydrogens are walking along a street. The first one says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The second one replies, "Are you sure?" The first one then says, "Yeah, I'm POSITIVE!"

[Sean Clayden]

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

[Sean Clayden]

Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.

[Sean Clayden]

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

[Moonhawk]

Funny Molecules:

http://www.chm.bris.ac.uk/sillymolecules/sillymols.htm