Absolutely Guaranteed To Make Gillianren Go Nova

[BigDon]

My children turned me on to a piece of literature (deservedly) being destroyed by the folks at Mystery Science Theatre 3000. To quote an excerpt

Perkins: THE EYE OF ARGON is the delightful tale by Jim Theis that, legend has it, won the Worst Story award at a certain Bay Area science fiction competition for fifteen years running -- and was only entered once! True or not, ever since this story was discovered in 1970 it has been the object of competitive readings. People the world over have gathered together their friends and loved ones and passed the story around, reading aloud in turn until the reader cracked up laughing. Many competitors fail to finish a single word!

Some smoe trying to write a Sword and Sorcery novel ala Robert E. Howard, who may not have been the best author in the world but at least got it right.

So, for you literate types out there, gird up thy loins, take a deep breath, and follow this link. Gillian, I'm sorry for what's about to happen to you...

http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html

[C18H27NO3]

Quick, everyone get out their CCD's to capture the GillianNova! :razz:

[davidlpf]

:D glad I live on the other side of continent,should warn the people in the other side of the pacific for the tsunami.:D

[Gillianren]

Oh, Gods. Well, this is me going in.

[long pause]

I'm going to assume this is original spelling and grammar. Oh, the hurting!

[long pause]

Mouths can't writhe!

[long pause]

The girl has pale purple hair? Where'd she buy the dye?

[long pause]

Someone bought this idiot a thesaurus for Christmas, huh?

[long pause]

Not a dictionary, though. Some of these words don't mean what he thinks they do.

[long pause]

Okay, I tried. Two "chapters." Even with the MST3K-ing embedded, I just can't do it. I'm going to go watch actual MST3K now.

[davidlpf]

should skip to the end.

[Josh]

Some smoe trying to write a Sword and Sorcery novel ala Robert E. Howard, who may not have been the best author in the world but at least got it right.


I have all the Conan books. I loved them when I was a bit younger. Robert E. Howard painted wonder-filled pictures for my young mind ... this guy's attempt seems more like someone dropped paint from a ladder. Ahhh well. At least he gave it a go. I'm betting more people have read his "writing" than the work of the person who won the year he first entered.

[Tobin Dax]

should skip to the end.

Wait, "quaver" is a noun? Or can actions act? I do think that skipping to the end is the only way it would ever be read.

Still, Gillian's explosion couldn't have been too bad. I've talked to a friend in Portland since she posted. :)

[Gillianren]

"Quaver" can be a noun. Most often, when it's used as a noun, it's a musical term, but it can be used as "a tremble" as well.

[BigDon]

I have all the Conan books. I loved them when I was a bit younger. Robert E. Howard painted wonder-filled pictures for my young mind ... this guy's attempt seems more like someone dropped paint from a ladder. Ahhh well. At least he gave it a go. I'm betting more people have read his "writing" than the work of the person who won the year he first entered.

Same here Josh. I read everything by Howard by the time I was in 7th grade. Along with Burroughs and Tolkien. Then Asimov, Norton, Heinlien, Niven etc.

[Tobin Dax]

"Quaver" can be a noun. Most often, when it's used as a noun, it's a musical term, but it can be used as "a tremble" as well.

Thank you.

[Frog march]

"quavers" are a make of cheesy crisp in the UK.

[peteshimmon]

perhaps a "sticky,", were all types of
punctuation's errors, can be illustrated
mighnt' be a bad idea to? he he he

[Doodler]

Oh, Gods. Well, this is me going in.

[long pause]

I'm going to assume this is original spelling and grammar. Oh, the hurting!

[long pause]

Mouths can't writhe!

[long pause]

The girl has pale purple hair? Where'd she buy the dye?

[long pause]

Someone bought this idiot a thesaurus for Christmas, huh?

[long pause]

Not a dictionary, though. Some of these words don't mean what he thinks they do.

[long pause]

Okay, I tried. Two "chapters." Even with the MST3K-ing embedded, I just can't do it. I'm going to go watch actual MST3K now.

What? No kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom...

;)

[Moose]

Wow. Gillian took that well. ;) Well done.

You know, I'm not actually surprised that somebody wrote something this bad. Happens all the time though usually not quite this bad. This one's special.

But I'm having trouble getting over the fact that somebody appears to have actually agreed to front some money publishing this. Willingly. Not even under dire threat of having their entire family snuffed out by impalement by very sharp pickles or anything.

[Jeff Root]

OK. DOODLER MADE ME LAFF.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Lianachan]

"Quaver" can be a noun. Most often, when it's used as a noun, it's a musical term, but it can be used as "a tremble" as well.

I'd never heard of it being used as "a tremble", other than as "a tremble" in a voice or in a sustained note. Also as an eighth note, of course. Seems it can be used pretty much instead of the word "quiver", then - unless you're talking about carrying your arrows.

[Mister Earl]

Well... I read that transcript partway... and, well... now I feel like I need a tetanus shot.

[publius]

Thanks for posting this. Jim Theis, the author of this masterwork, was 16when he wrote it. That's what a combination of hormones and a thesaurus will do for ya.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_Argon

Theis died in 2002, only 48 years old, incidently. From some earlier interviews, he was apparently hurt by having so much fun made of his writing, just something silly he'd done as a teenager.

But it is truly a stellar example of bad writing, indeed. It stands on its own. There's the infamous "It was dark and stormy night...." ( http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ ) school of bad writing, which I was familiar with, but thanks to Googling on this, I was introduced to the wider world of schools of bad writing and poetry.

http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/

McGonagall is considered the worst poet of the English language. Period.

-Richard

[publius]

Here are the 2006 winners of the "It was a dark and stormy night" bad writing contest:

http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm

This is the grand prizer winning entry:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Jim Guigli
Carmichael, CA
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

And the runner-up was a Dirty Harry dialogue parody:

----------------------------------------------------------

I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"

Stuart Vasepuru
Edinburgh, Scotland

------------------------------------------------------------


-Richard

[Josh]

I thought the runner-up was rather amusing.

[BigDon]

But it is truly a stellar example of bad writing, indeed. It stands on its own. There's the infamous "It was dark and stormy night...." ( http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ ) school of bad writing, which I was familiar with, but thanks to Googling on this, I was introduced to the wider world of schools of bad writing and poetry.

http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/

McGonagall is considered the worst poet of the English language. Period.

-Richard

Publius... Richard... I'd never heard of McGonagall before...I thought we were friends..



(Seriously, as an aside, that picture of him on that link bears a striking resemblance to a chimpanzee that has had an unfortunate encounter with a bucket of Nair)

[davidlpf]

he is not human he is a Vogon.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml

[Van Rijn]

he is not human he is a Vogon.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml

Vogons are third worst. The worst is either Paul Neil Milne Johnstone or Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings, depending on what version you read. Humans rule! (Well, until they are blown up for a hyperspace bypass.)

Here's a wiki page on the real person this was based on (it was a joke by Adams):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Neil_Milne_Johnstone

[Moose]

Canada's answer to legendary bad poetry: James "The Cheese Poet" (http://www.swiftandbored.com/mcintyre/index.html) McIntyre.

Ode on the Mammoth Cheese is a must readavoid.

[sarongsong]

...Mouths can't writhe!...They used to... http://bautforum.com/images/icons/icon10.gif...but at the last he will writhe his mouth... Old Testament (http://www.biblicalproportions.com/modules/ol_bible/King_James_Bible/Ecclesiasticus/27/23)

[Gillianren]

But it is truly a stellar example of bad writing, indeed. It stands on its own. There's the infamous "It was dark and stormy night...." ( http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ ) school of bad writing, which I was familiar with, but thanks to Googling on this, I was introduced to the wider world of schools of bad writing and poetry.

Actually, the more I thought about it last night (I ended up reading the whole thing after all, giggling madly and reading bits out loud to my roommate), the more I thought, "This reads like a Bulwer-Lytton contest entry wherein the person just didn't stop at one sentence!"

In that sense, I'm quite glad I came across it. It's a good early reminder that I meant to enter that this year; I have until 1 April to write my entry.

Still, I would not have finished that story without the MST inserts.

[BigDon]

I actually thought it would amuse you Miss Gillian.

(We do bump hard into each other on occasion, and I wanted to show there are no ill feelings at all.)

And please, call me BD. They call me that over at Fish Index and I got used to it.

[Neverfly]

You Flirt ;)

[BigDon]

Now Neverfly, I'm just being friendly. Miss Gillian has a boyfriend in harm's way in foriegn climes and I would never make a move on a man who's serving his country's girl. I actually endeavor to be as good a human being as fate will allow.

[Neverfly]

I was only teasing....

Laugh it off man Laugh it off...

[BigDon]

Oh pshaw! I'm not mad an iota. Love, peace, happiness little brother. Just making my point clear incase some of the players at home got confused.

[Gillianren]

Now Neverfly, I'm just being friendly. Miss Gillian has a boyfriend in harm's way in foriegn climes and I would never make a move on a man who's serving his country's girl. I actually endeavor to be as good a human being as fate will allow.

Our country has a girl?

Kidding, kidding. Most of the time, I think you're very nice. How's your daughter?

[BigDon]

Oh she's doing great! Thank you for asking! She's gone and had an insulin pump installed. Monitors and deleivers a steady stream of insulin. When her and her sister came up this weekend I called her "Boocutus of Borg" and she gave me the "Daaad!" treatment and I recieved a minor pummeling. After which of course I had to say in a stage whisper, "When do you grow that cool laser eye thingy?" Which of course got me a second round of abuse.

(PS how should that sentence have been punctuated?)

[Gillianren]

I'd recast it entirely--"The girl of a man who's serving his country" works.

Tell your daughter I'm glad she's better.

[boppa]

My children turned me on to a piece of literature (deservedly) being destroyed by the folks at Mystery Science Theatre 3000. To quote an excerpt



Some smoe trying to write a Sword and Sorcery novel ala Robert E. Howard, who may not have been the best author in the world but at least got it right.

So, for you literate types out there, gird up thy loins, take a deep breath, and follow this link. Gillian, I'm sorry for what's about to happen to you...

http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html



THAT has to be the funniest thing ive read in years!!
its like one of those z grade movies like `attack of the killer tomatoes'- so bad it becomes funny
bit long but truely worth a read for for the laughter it induces

[HenrikOlsen]

As for the dark and stormy night, I remember laughing out loud when I reached this passage near the end of a fairly well known novel:
It was a stormy and dark night; vast clouds covered the heavens,
concealing the stars; the moon would not rise till midnight.

Occasionally, by the light of a flash of lightning which gleamed along
the horizon, the road stretched itself before them, white and solitary;
the flash extinct, all remained in darkness.


It was written shortly after the Bulwer-Lytton piece, I wonder if it's a gentle dig at it?

BTW, notice the good astronomy?
Someone who knows the moon doesn't always rise at sunset.

[mugaliens]

Okay, I tried. Two "chapters." Even with the MST3K-ing embedded, I just can't do it. I'm going to go watch actual MST3K now.

You actually made it through two chapters? I'm impressed with your intestinal fortitude, Gillianren!

[Gillianren]

Heh. As I said, in the end, I went back and read the whole thing. Fortunately, by then, I was getting seriously sleep-deprived, so it was much funnier.

[mike alexander]

Proof that any aspiring writer should write madly for at least a year, then burn it all. Alfred Bester said that young authors have a tremendous amount of bad writing to get out of their systems. From personal experience, I know he was right. (I burned them all).

[Bob]

I'm glad Catch-22, Carrie, The Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Gone with the Wind weren't consigned to the flames.

[BigDon]

I dare you to try and make it through all those in one sitting.

[mike alexander]

I'm glad Catch-22, Carrie, The Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Gone with the Wind weren't consigned to the flames.

Ah, but how do you know what was burned by Heller, King, Salinger, Lee or Mitchell before those were published?

[Doodler]

I dare you to try and make it through all those in one sitting.

Pass...Reading IT in seven and a half hours was enough for me...

[Gillianren]

Not only is Carrie not Stephen King's first book, it's not even the first book he wrote that eventually got published. Rage (now out of print, sadly) is. And if you ask Stephen King, there's way, way worse that he wrote that isn't now available. The first work he ever sold, he sold to his mother when he was something like eight for twenty-five cents a story.

[Bob]

Ah, but how do you know what was burned by Heller, King, Salinger, Lee or Mitchell before those were published?

Good point. Let me give you that as a homework assignment and you can get back to us.

Gillianren,
AFAIK Carrie was published in 1974 and Rage was published in 1977.

[Musashi]

Rage (originally titled Getting It On) is the first novel by Stephen King published under the pseudonym Richard Bachman. Though he began writing it in 1966, before his first published novel, Carrie (1974), it wasn't published until 1977.

From Wiki.

[Bob]

Carrie isn't a good example anyway. Apparently King's wife rescued it from the trash and convinced him to keep working on it.

[Gillianren]

He still doesn't like it.

As noted, Rage was published after Carrie but written before Carrie. (If it were anyone else, I'd have said "it" that second time. But IT wasn't published until the 80s!)

[SeanF]

He still doesn't like it.

As noted, Rage was published after Carrie but written before Carrie. (If it were anyone else, I'd have said "it" that second time. But IT wasn't published until the 80s!)
But Rage was written before It, so you would've been okay. :)