Bi-Polar disorder

[Cookie]

I just found out that my sister's husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when he was younger, and that my sister knew about it before they got married and had a kid together.

They're still together, and my niece is 3 years old.

I'm very worried for my sister.
She has a hernia from the c-section from her pregnancy three years ago, and on top of that, has a problem with her Thyroid that has caused her to gain a lot of weight.
Her Thyroid problems are being treated with medication and she is suppose to be visiting the doctor regularly to check the levels of the meds, but He keeps canceling most of the appointments at the last minute because he gets all weird and moody.
My sister told me that the Doctors refuse to do surgery on her to fix the hernia untill her weight goes down, witch is only possible with the correct medication monitoring dosage for her thyroid problems, but the way things are going with the missed appointments, it doesn't look good.

He has also been systematiclly removing all forms of entertainment from his household, citing religous reasons, and refuses to teach my sister how to drive.

He also "Ministers" to my sister and is using his interpetation of the bible to brainwash my sister.

He also refuses to let my brother and parents take her to her doctor's appointments.

My sister actually thinks that his "Episodes" of extreme depression and ranting are either her fault, or brought about by the "Evils and Stresses of Sin in the World".

So far as I know, he has not been violent, but I don't know that for sure or not.

I'm at a loss of what to do.
She's a willing prisoner in her own home that might die from untreated medical conditions.
Should I call the cops, or child protection services, or someone else, or is there nothing that I can do?

[Neverfly]

The Simple truth is...
No
You cant call for help
Because of Personal Responsibility.

Your sister, although you love her, is as much a part of this world as you are- and free to make her own choices.

You can lead a horse to water....

But you CAN Influence her over time. Be the strong shoulder as much as you are able. Because noone gets from point A to point B in One Jump. There are Many many steps that must be taken along the way. You cannot walk for her. You cannot Carry her. but you can walk WITH her.

ETA: at least its Texas not Kansas LOL

[Maksutov]

It appears, from what you wrote, that your sister is in a codependency situation. As such, there's little another person can do, except try to talk some sense into one of the codependent persons.

Other than that, things will work out, but no necessarily for the best.

The law, appropriately, is very vague here. It's a matter of privacy versus intrusion to prevent bodily harm.

I hope you can talk some sense into at least one of them. Usually with situations like these, any outside help is rejected de facto.

Good luck to you.

[Gillianren]

Your brother-in-law isn't medicated, is he? It sounds like he's got a pretty severe case--read, "worse than mine"--and really ought to be taking something for it. It can take a long time to get meds that work properly, and it can take a while for the right dosage to be reached, but if I had control of the situation (unfortunately, you don't, either), I would make that a priority to acheive.

Now. If he's refusing medical treatment to a child who becomes in serious need of it, that's a situation for your local CPS. If he's just not sending her to checkups, there's nothing you can do, and there's nothing you can do for an adult who isn't taking responsibility for her own medical health. (Which, I'm afraid, is what your sister is doing by allowing him to cancel her appointments.) Once the child's physical well-being becomes an issue, the state can step in, but not before then. However, that means that someone outside the situation should be keeping an eye on her health as well.

I agree about the possibility of codependency on your sister's part. Certainly it sounds like she's enabling his behaviour. She had to have the state of mind to allow that sort of thought in for herself; he couldn't have pushed it in if she didn't. But there's nothing you can do for her. She has to do it herself.

[Jeff Root]

My personal opinion is that your sister and her family need help,
and if you are willing to suffer some yourself to try to help them,
you will be doing a good thing, whether you are successful or not.

Chances are that helping them will be very difficult for you and the
rest of your family. If what you try to do doesn't work it could drive
your families apart for the rest of your lives. Everyone might end up
blaming you, and it would be entirely reasonable for you to blame me.

Talk with everyone, one-on-one. Your sister, your brother-in-law, your
brother and any other siblings, your parents, his parents, his siblings,
your sister's closest friends, his closest friends. Tell them what you
think. Don't try to convince your sister or her husband of anything.
Just tell them that you are concerned, and why, in as much detail as
possible, and ask them to tell you what they think, in as much detail
as possible. Pretend you are a saint and try to avoid criticising or
being judgemental, or getting angry.

Tell everyone you talk with what everyone else has told you, as long
as it hasn't been told to you in confidence.

The first thing to suggest is for everyone to talk with everyone else.
Suggest to your sister that she talk with your parents, brother, and
close friends. Suggest to your brother-in-law that he talk with his
parents, siblings, and close friends. Talk with each of those people
yourself, and suggest the same thing. If you are lucky, some of them
will take over part of your job, so that you won't be the only person
going out of your way to help your sister's family. The more people
who are willing to take a chance and get involved, the more likely
something good will result.

I have some questions: Does your sister ever talk with her physician
by phone? If not, can she? Does your niece have a regular pediatrician,
or a clinic that your sister takes your niece to? Your sister should be
able to talk with the pediatrician or someone at the clinic. It would be
great if her doctor could become part of the support network. Suggest
to your sister that she make an effort to talk with one of those people,
and tell them your concerns. Suggest to her that if she failed to call
yesterday, that's all right, she can do it today, right after you hang up.

At some point you could ask if it would be all right for you to talk with
her physician about you. In any case, if you know who her physician
is, you can phone or perhaps email the physician's office and tell the
physician about your concerns and what you are attempting to do.

Same thing for your brother-in-law, except that you should not attempt
to contact his physician yourself. Suggest to him that he talk about
your concerns with his physician, if he has one, or his psychiatrist if
he has one. Anyone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder
should have some link with a physician qualified to treat it. Don't stop
asking him if he has talked with a physician, until you know he has done
so and has a definite plan to follow up on that contact with another
action, even if it is only an appointment to talk with the physician
again.

Eventually you will want your sister and brother-in-law to converse in
groups of three or more. Talk with your parents about doing this. The
likelyhood of someone getting angry and everyone ending up unhappy
in such a situation is high, but I believe that is a risk worth taking.
Your parents want to see the baby, and your sister. You want to see
the baby and your sister. You can get together and talk more about
your concerns, and discuss what alternatives might be possible. How
important is the surgery? How important is losing weight? What does
your niece need? What does your sister need? What does her husband
need? What do you need?

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Swift]

Cookie,
I don't have much to add to the excellent advice that has been given. I'll add one thing to what Jeff said, don't feel that you alone are going to solve this. Get the whole extended family, even close friends of your sister or brother-in-law involved. Since your brother-in-law seems religious, maybe there is a minister that he will listen to. They may be more willing to listen to a group of people, than you individually. And just as important, the pressure won't be just on you, you need the support that others can give. Having dealt with a bipolar father, I wish all the best of luck.

[Frog march]

As far as I know, not all hernias are dangerous. Some can go untreated infact my father has a small hernia that the doctor says isnt worth treating.

Perhaps someone can correct me if I'm wrong or provide more infomation.

[jrkeller]

Since you're in TX, I have two words for you,

Andrea Yates

[Jeff Root]

Cookie,

Wow. I just checked to see if you had been on BAUT since the
replies were posted, and saw your profile. I replied assuming
that you were twenty-something. Maybe it's a good thing that
I didn't know. Thinking about it now, in several ways it may be
easier for you to go at this problem than someone older. Just
start nibbling away at the edges, and keep at it!

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Donnie B.]

I just had a thought, which may or may not make sense.

It might be possible for your sister to instruct her doctor's office not to accept cancellations from anyone but her, personally. That might make it possible for her to keep her appointments even if her husband "gets moody".

Of course, depending on the situation, this might not work. I'm thinking about a case where the husband "orders her" to cancel her appointments. If this is happening she may not feel able to defy him and keep the appointment anyway. Still, it might be worth exploring this strategy.

I also really like the suggestion that Swift made to talk to the husband's minister. While there's no guarantee of any help from that quarter (depending on the church's specific beliefs), it's well worth trying. Ministers often become part of the health care team. For example, I know of a parish minister who found the counseling aspect of his job so rewarding that he changed careers to become a hospital chaplain.

[Fazor]

Cookie:
Those are classic symptoms of spousal abuse. The aggressor severs all ties to the outside world, so they can have complete control. Many times there is also physical abuse that goes on. Problem is, this is a hard situation to deal with. It will be hard for you to intervine because he will take any steps he can to keep you from doing anything. Even if you can talk to your sister, most times they will deny there is anything wrong. It's hard to get the police involved without any evidence of a crime (eg. physical abuse).

It's not a pleasant situation, but I just wanted to coroberate what the others have said here. It can be a sign of a very bad situation, and there's no easy answers. I advise seeking professional help (family services maybe?). And enlist the help of any family members you can get. A lot of people don't want to admit that the situation is bad. It can get very ugly. A lot of bitter feelings and awkward situations. But letting it get worse never makes things better.

But on the flip side-I firmly believe you cannot help anyone that does not want to help themselfs. So the key might be getting her to admit that there's a problem. If it is infact caused by your brother-in-law's bi-polarism (that a word?) then maybe theropy and/or medication could help. But it could also be an underlying issue of abuse and have nothing to do with his current/former condition.

[Doodler]

I believe the term here is "intervention". You are allowed to get involved in this matter. Contact Social Services, inform them of the situation, then turn them loose on your neice's behalf. Your sister is an adult, if she wants to destroy herself because she's mezmerized by a psycho, that's technically her choice. Pulling that on a three year old will raise the necessary short hairs on the back of the neck with the bureaucrats and they'll step in. Your neice will be placed with the nearest local members of your family, unless your sister agrees to remove herself from that situation or have her husband committed. If he's as unstable as you describe, there's no way that any Health and Human Services agents will leave this situation unmonitored.

Time the call to them for when he's in full flourish, this is critical. You call while he's lucid, and you'll get the usual stream of crap promises to get help or you'll be made to look the bad guy for getting something started over nothing. Actually, if he's in full tirade mode, you could probably bring the police into it. Even if he's not physically striking her, they'll pull them out in a nanosecond if he's being emotionally abusive and uncooperative.

If you want to make a difference for your family, you're going to need to be ruthless. Use his mental problems against him with extreme prejudice. In the end, you'll even do him a lot of good by making the system aware he needs help in a BAD way.

[Cookie]

Thank you for all of your advice, everyone.

This past week my parents and I have done a lot of talking, and we understand the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but not make him/her drink.
We're gonna take the advice to contact Social Services the next time that my brother-in-law goes on another trip down tirade lane, if not for my sister, then for the sake of my niece.

We've had to call the cops out there last year, when my brother-in-law went on a really bizarre non-violent rant (he was yelling, crying, and paraniod that no one liked him) and wouldn't let my sister leave the house, and they hadn't been to the grocery store in far too long and was out of food (not for lack of money), and she called us all freaked out.
While it was bad that that happened, my folks and I think that since it's "on the record", so to speak, we'll be sure to mention that instance to Social Services, as that may also help to spark their interest in getting some alone time with my niece to speak with her and see what she has to say about her home life.

[jrkeller]

Make sure you call Child Protective Services (CPS) too. My ex-wife (she was my wife at the time) called CPS to report one of our friends who was watering down formula (half the required amount per bottle) on her 6 month old just to save a few dollars. That alone was enough to scare her straight.

[Cookie]

When my sister went to her new Thyroid doctor yesterday, her husband had a mild manic episode, in front of the doctor, and it was recorded on audio tape.

The doc recognised it immediately, and they are now on the path to getting him help.

The doc explained to them how their stark beliefs are Way Over The Top; causing her to have way too much stress, witch in turn is making her very ill, (as is her over-cleaning everything with clorox) and if they continue down that path, she's going to continue to get worse and die.

The doc also said that my sister must get a driver's liscence, but it is going to have to wait until 6 months after the hernia operation.

My sister is now on a new diet, and her medication has been changed.
Oh, and my sister's hernia operation is tentavely set to November.
Yay! Even though it's only tenative at this point, I'm still thrilled that there's finally a date set fot the operation.

Also, my sister finally realised the implications of her husband's mental condition, and is making changes to her lifestyle.
When she cleans stuff from now on, she's gonna use regular soap and water, but when it comes to cleaning the tub and toilet, if clorox is needed then her husband is going to do it.

I spoke with my older brother, and he's ready to design a HTPC for them sometime next week.
You see, my bro's been recording all of her favorite shows (as well as a lot of new shows that he thinks my sister and her daughter will like) all this time in the hopes that she'd someday snap out of it.

Also, nearly every member of my family (including aunts, uncles and cousins) has offered to take turns helping out around my sister's apartment while she's recovering from her upcoming surgery and her husband is at work, and that ended an arguement that her husband had about it (he wanted to save up money to hire a professional ~ one of his other reasons for stopping internet access, cable TV, rarely using the air conditioner/heater and restricting themselves to running very few lights ~ only, he didn't 'trust' any of the professionals he interviewed). -_-

There is a lot more to this story that I'm leaving out because it'd be way too long, and too personal, but suffice it to say, things are looking good.

[Donnie B.]

Glad to hear that, Cookie. Best of luck to them, and to you.

[Roy Batty]

Yes, I hope it will end up ok. But is the husband getting help/medication now?!

Edit: doh! just re-read your post & see that is addressed. Good luck!

[Gillianren]

Just don't expect immediate improvement. Remember, the meds take time to work, and the first ones he tries may not work. This is not to say that I'm not relieved that the situation seems to be improving, Gods know, but it is to remind you that we're looking at a long-term solution, not a short-term one.

[Doodler]

Major win.

Of all the possible outcomes, this one was probably the most ideal.

[Moose]

Of all the possible outcomes, this one was probably the most ideal.

Agreed. There's still a long journey ahead for all concerned, but it's a bigger, more positive step forward than what anybody had any real right to expect. I'm so very glad for you [Cookie]. :)

[Swift]

Agreed. There's still a long journey ahead for all concerned, but it's a bigger, more positive step forward than what anybody had any real right to expect. I'm so very glad for you [Cookie]. :)
Ditto. I am happy for you and your family Cookie. And please let us all know if there is anything else we can do to support you, even if it is just giving you a place to vent and get some sympathetic comments back.