Condoleances

[Twinsun]

please excuse me but a friend of mine ( best friend in school ) just died a couple of hours ago ... now I know u have nothing to do with this but I'm so messed up right now and well I just felt the need to post this .. PLEASE no nasty posts ... u either post something worth it or shut up ... I ain't in the mood for this ... May God rest you in peace, Uricaru Cornel ...

[cope]

About a year and a half ago, my only son, age 17, died. My message to you is to make use of any family and friends who can help you through this and please believe me, you can have a life again. Certainly, it won't be the same life after you lose somebody so important but it will be a life worth living.

Peace.

[Swift]

Twinsun,
I am very sorry for your loss, I am sure you are hurting a lot right now. The internet is isn't a very good tool for easing that pain, please reach out, if you can, to "real" people who can help you through this. A hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on can really help.

[01101001]

u either post something worth it or shut up ...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

[Paracelsus]

Twinsun, I also lost a friend very recently. I'm so sorry for your loss!
:(

Hang in there, and please keep posting.

[Dragon Star]

**Edited by request.

Sorry for your loss.

[Nicolas]

Hi Twinsun. I can only second everything cope said here. Reach out for real people too, make time to mourn and find comfort in the idea that there is a worthwile life after the mourning, when you're ready for it. And don't put your agenda too full the first days/weeks. Mourning costs energy. ON the other hand, having something to do isn't bad, just do whatever goes and drop the rest for a while.

Condoleances and the beautiful memories will always stay near you.

[BigDon]

I lost the first of my inner circle, growing up together friends two years ago. He went twenty years riding motorcycles and never had an accident. I spoke to him at his funeral and admonished him, saying, "Dude! You're not supposed to die in your first bike accident! That's supposed to give you war stories and scars and such!" He did a lot of trick riding and was showing his friends how to do stoppies and flipped his bike. Broke his neck and his back in two places. Took two hours for help to arrive and he still had a pulse when they got there but he died in transit. Remote location near the California/Nevada border, helicopter couldn't land anywhere near due to the redwoods so THEN they dispatched an ambulance. Just bad luck.

[Twinsun]

oh my god I'm sorry for your losses too guys :( seems many of you went through this and even worse ... cope, I can't even imagine what it's like loosing a son ... and the thing that just happened to me ... I don't know, maybe I'm just a little too sensible, but this is just ... I mean I saw the guy a week ago and it was going to be the last time I'd see him and I had nothing better to say than the old fashioned way we used to talk ( guy-like thing ) ... and furthermore, he was dying right in the moment when I was reading a freaking astronomy book ... it's pure irony : I was reading about stars and he was going beyond them ... sorry but I can't get this out of my head

edit : 01101001, I said that cause on some forums, usually the announcements like these tend to be laughed-at or no one believes you and makes a mockery out of it ... sorry but I couldn't stand reading jokes in those moments

[AitchJay]

I lost my partner a couple of months ago, we have a six month old son that's never going to know his mum. There aren't words that make any kind of difference to grief, it's just something that you live with until you get used to it. Some days will be better than others. The one thing I would say is try not to dwell on the "if only"s, that will do your head in, and it's not the way to heal.

Take care of yourself and the people around you, it's all you can do.

[Twinsun]

thanks ... well u can think u'r over it and after 40 or 50 years, if someone brings it up and keeps on asking what happened, you might burst into tears again ... things like that never fade away :(

[Paul Beardsley]

Twinsun, although I only know you as a name on a bulletin board, you are part of the BAUT community. So as I see it, you are "one of us". This is a very poorly-thought-out way of saying I care about your loss.

I can't speak for the rest of BAUT but I can imagine that a lot of people reading your post will be feeling the same way.

All the best
Paul

[Twinsun]

thank you paul :( thank you all ... I'll see what I can do these days ... the autopsy must be done, then the funeral ... I don't think I'll go there though ... I couldn't stand having that picture of him in the coffin hunting me for the rest of my life ... I prefer knowing him the way he lived, not the way he died :(

[Van Rijn]

thank you paul :( thank you all ... I'll see what I can do these days ... the autopsy must be done, then the funeral ... I don't think I'll go there though ... I couldn't stand having that picture of him in the coffin hunting me for the rest of my life ... I prefer knowing him the way he lived, not the way he died :(

My condolences. Words are worthless in the face of grief, and family and friends can help a little, but mostly it is something you have to get used to and work through. (Edit: I see AitchJay said much the same thing. Well, you're hearing it from two sources.)

Do keep the funeral in mind, though. Part of it depends on how you reacted to their death (there are many different reactions). When my nephew was killed last year by a drunk driver, I went into a kind of shock - while part of me understood what happened, part didn't and I felt a sense of unreality, like I was watching events going by on a movie screen. I didn't fully believe it until I saw his body. Anticipating seeing him was far more strenuous than actually seeing him. I think it helped me. It may not help you, your situation is different, but consider it.

[Twinsun]

hmm I'll see ... maybe I'll go to say goodbye BUT I won't look at the coffin ... that's kind of hard to do : go there but keep my eyes off him ... and I'm sorry to hear about your nephew :( my friend died but your relative was killed ... I don't want to think about what I would have done if it would have been a murder case ... I think I would have cut him into tiny pieces .. I know how this sounds but in a moment of instability ( situations like these give u such moments ), I think I would have strangled that man to death ... I mean yesterday, apart from the fact thay I was shaking all over and hoping it was a bad joke of my friend's ... when everything was confirmed, I felt like a deep hole in my guts and felt an immense anger combined with the desire to cry ... at that moment, if I would have bursted out, I think I would have broken something BIG ... I mean I don't know ... when I came home, I stood with my girlfriend for like an hour by telephone and all this time I cried like a baby ... I just couldn't stop ... and remember those movies with those drama scenes ??? well believe it or not, in that very moment, I remembered ALL our past adventures, discussions, fights, laughters, plays, ... everything ... I even remembered the look on his face when I said goodbye to him for the last time a week ago when we last met ... u think u forget things, but an event like this one reveals things you wouldn't think are there, stucked deep inside your mind and heart ...

[Nicolas]

thank you paul :( thank you all ... I'll see what I can do these days ... the autopsy must be done, then the funeral ... I don't think I'll go there though ... I couldn't stand having that picture of him in the coffin hunting me for the rest of my life ... I prefer knowing him the way he lived, not the way he died :(

In the end you must decide for yourself and any decision is OK, so this is only my opinion, my advice.

If you go to the funeral, that's 1 hard hour. But that's also a very good way to give his death a place. It will not, never stop you from remembering the way he lived. But it will help you in giving his death a place, making it easier to accept. What I mean is that our minds aren't really wired to accept an abstract concept that negates our most basic need to survive, and attending the funeral helps to give his death a physical connotation that your mind can store. Plus you can see that you're not alone in your mourning, which can help all of you. And in a way it's a last time to be together, to stand by your friend when everyone says goodbye to him and he says goodbye to all of you.

The pain you feel at a funeral is not additional pain, it's grieving that is already in you anyway and needs to come out one way or another. Now we don't need to torture ourselves more than necessary, but my experience is that a funeral in itself doesn't do that.

If it's an open coffin, you can decide not to greet but immediately go to your seat, in the category "not to torture ourselves more than necessary" (I don't know how things are done in Romania. Overhere, sometimes the coffin is open to greet, and then is closed for the rest of the funeral. That way, you won't have pictures of him hunting you, bt only the funeral as a more neutral event that represents his death in your memories.

In short, my advice: go to the funeral but don't greet the coffin if it's an open during the greeting. And as I said, it's only advice, anything you decide in the end is OK.

If the coffin is open during the whole funeral, it is a lot harder indeed. Oh and when you go to the funeral, don't go alone, have your GF or someone with you.

[Twinsun]

well it's open until they bury him ... that's the way we do it here :( and well another NASTY thing : yesterday, when we all met in order to find out more ( us, the ex-mates ), everyone had a smile on their face saying things like : well, life is life ... what can you do ??? I was just frozen by their attitude and all I wanted was to beat them to a pulp ... I mean how can someone even think like that ??? GOD !!! after 5 mintues, we decided we'll talk on the phone these days in order to attend the funeral and after that I left home and they went into a bar to party ... now how sick can that be ??? maybe I'm the sick one but still the way I see it ... something ain't right with people these days

[Nicolas]

Hm, in case of an open coffin funeral I understand the problem...

Question (I'm not into Romanian funeral traditions), Do they close the coffin before they carry it towards the graveyard and do the attendants follow upto the graveyard? In that case, maybe you could attend at the graveyard only. I don't know, just thinking out loud here.

As for the other people: everyone reacts in his own way, and don't let what others do stop you from mourning in your own way.

[Twinsun]

well still I find that sick ... I mean maybe it's cause they're 18 and drinking, women and smoking are the priorities ... I dunno ... can't think right now .. and well if u wanna know how they deal dead people here, listen here and be amazed : after the funeral, the coffin has to be covered before it is placed in the grave ... now the nasty part is that they put the lid on and guess what ??? they nail it in front of you ... yes, with a hammer and some nails, they box him up like he was a postal package ... now that is just SICK ( again ) ... imagine how it must be for his parents to see how some graveyard men just put some nails on their son's coffin and then just BAM !!! into the hole ... another one for today, right ? it's just ... sick

[Nicolas]

Hmmmmmm so no funeral, ok...

Is there some kind of meal for the attendants, parents etc after the funeral? Sounds like it might be a better idea to go there instead...however the atmosphere there isn't always what you need, as on one hand you've got the grieving family and friends, and at another table you can have distant relatives who are laughing loudly and talking about their new car...

Anyway, if you don't go to the funeral or something like that, still do try to give his death a clear place in your mind, while remembering the way he lived too of course. The process of mourning goes better if the death has a place.

Lots of strength in the coming time.

[Twinsun]

I don't know ... maybe I'll go, maybe I won't ... still, a visit at his grave might put my soul at ease for the moment ... I think

[Nicolas]

That's also a possibility of course.

[Maksutov]

Hang in there.

[Van Rijn]

another NASTY thing : yesterday, when we all met in order to find out more ( us, the ex-mates ), everyone had a smile on their face saying things like : well, life is life ... what can you do ??? I was just frozen by their attitude and all I wanted was to beat them to a pulp ... I mean how can someone even think like that ??? GOD !!! after 5 mintues, we decided we'll talk on the phone these days in order to attend the funeral and after that I left home and they went into a bar to party ... now how sick can that be ??? maybe I'm the sick one but still the way I see it ... something ain't right with people these days

Try to be a little careful there. As Nicolas said, people react differently to death. Don't be too sure they don't care. It is very possible that they are putting on a brave face, then getting drunk to try to take their minds off of the subject. You're reacting too, and frustration and anger are also common reactions. It's easy to be looking for something to find fault with. Mostly, what I'd suggest is give it a little time, and don't say too much right now to them. Let them do what they want to, you do what you want.

[Twinsun]

thank you :( ... God I still ask myself every 5 minutes : is he really dead or was this a bad joke or a bad dream ??? u know I always dream about people dying like friends or families ... I just never thought it would come true one day ...

[Nicolas]

That is related to the importance of being at the funeral, or visiting the grave, something to make the bad dream bad reality. Some primary parts of our brain are very good at denying death even when other parts know all too well it's real...

My thoughts are with you.

[hhEb09'1]

Mostly, what I'd suggest is give it a little time, and don't say too much right now to them. Let them do what they want to, you do what you want.Yes, you may find that they are in denial too, expressing it differently. Give them a chance--and the more you are around them, the more apt you are to find out that they do grieve.

Take care

[Twinsun]

this is just .... pure S**T !!! I've just discovered his hi5 profile page man ... look what he had left in the motto section : "We live once, we love once, we die once. Love is that thing everybody's searching for but few truly find it. As long as you can live, live as much as you can, and when you die, do it with dignity !" ( all was translated ) ... now how many ironies can life have ??? it's like it's laughing in my face ............... GOD !!!!!!!!!!!

[AitchJay]

Get on the phone, talk to someone, right now.

A forum isn't where you need to be.

[Argos]

I can't speak for the rest of BAUT but I can imagine that a lot of people reading your post will be feeling the same way.

Have no doubt about it.

My condolences for your loss, twinsun. May peace be with you.

[Twinsun]

thank you Argos and AitchJay ... I really have no clue who to talk with ... everyone of his friends and mine are taking this as one of life's many jokes ... they say life's life and that's it .... rather than hearing that I prefer mourning alone :(

[farmerjumperdon]

Don't be too hard on your friends who act differently than you think they should. Think of the party and revelry as celebrating the person's life, not their death. In my family, and I've heard many others do the same, there is always a good sized shindig following the funeral. There's something very therapuetic about being together with the friends and family, laughing and crying, singing, dancing, and just all being there together.

As you might guess from my sport of choice, I've had to say good-bye to a few people in what most would call "before their time." And getting up there in years, have also been losing friends to the usual natural causes. It's never easy (and I can not even fathom losing a child), but you need to find a way to say goodbye forever to people while still cherishing the memories. If it really starts to eat at your own happiness, there is nothing wrong with a little professional help.

That might be more than can be conveyed effectively in a place like an internet forum; but you have my sincere sympathies and condolences nonetheless.

Take care.

[MechTech]

I am really Sry to hear about your loss.

Don't let the way others react to this tragedy dictate how you think of them. Most people ecspecially the young don't know how to deal with death and for the most part don't want to think about it.
Everyone deals with it in their own way and in their own time. What you see as partying and revelry could be just the way they are dealing with their emotions.

Find Someone you can trust and talk, cry, and rage as much as you need keeping it inside can only hurt you.

No One Can Know

No one can know just what you've lost;
No one can understand the cost;
But when you feel your energy drain,
Please count on us to help ease your pain.

Let us help you cope with grief;
We hope with time you'll feel relief.
We can't replace the one who's gone,
But let our concern help you carry on.

By Karl and Joanna Fuchs

[Tucson_Tim]

I can't speak for the rest of BAUT but I can imagine that a lot of people reading your post will be feeling the same way.

All the best
Paul

Yes. If you live long enough these things happen many times. Hang in there TwinSun! We're all thinking of you.

[Twinsun]

thank you guys ... thank you A LOT !!! thanks for the song lyrics and everything :( it's just that I keep remembering scraps of our last and final meeting and the more I think about it, the more I remember of it and the more it hurts :( damn it

[Fazor]

It gets harder before it gets easier. I don't really have any advice to offer that hasnt been said already. There's really no answer to grief. We all deal differently. I hope you find a way to deal with yours.

Our thoughts are with you.

[Twinsun]

u know sometimes I forget about it for a little while ... say 2 hours ... and then I remember and for a second or two, I have the impression that it was all a bad joke or something ... maybe I'm starting to loose myself

[Van Rijn]

u know sometimes I forget about it for a little while ... say 2 hours ... and then I remember and for a second or two, I have the impression that it was all a bad joke or something ... maybe I'm starting to loose myself

That's a typical reaction. From what you've said, it seems this was quite unexpected. It's much harder to accept that a death occurred when you didn't anticipate it, and didn't have time to get used to the idea. It's never easy, but that makes it worse.

[Twinsun]

u know u have a point there ... not being able to anticipate it ( example : knowing that person is sick and COULD die ), makes it this unbarable ...

[Twinsun]

I hate this ... today a car hit a dog and I ran over, picked him off the road, put him aside and stood here for like 30 mins or so, hoping he'd get better or something but then he started bleeding internally and then externally ... he died within 2 minutes in my very arms ... plus 4 days ago, a boy drowned before my eyes and there was nothing I could do cause he was in a coma already ... the ambulance came, took him in the capital ... and I don't know what came afterwards ... it's too much for me in a whole week

[hhEb09'1]

Find Someone you can trust and talk, cry, and rage as much as you need keeping it inside can only hurt you.I know you're trying to do this here, twinsun, and we'll do the best we can. I made a post a little like yours (http://www.bautforum.com/off-topic-babbling/59841-arrogance-scientific-disciplines-7.html#post1008999) only a couple weeks ago.

[Paracelsus]

hhEb09'1, where is your post that you are talking about?

I couldn't find it on that part of the thread.

[Twinsun]

well today I was there before the ceremony, with 2 flowers and a candle ... I couldn't enter the chapel ... everyone was laughing at me thinking I'm scared and well I gave the flowers to someone there in order to put them for me and I lit up the candle outside, in the candle recipient ... I just couldn't go in there and nobody seems to understand me :( and furthermore, while me and our colleagues were sitting outside, waiting for the ceremony to begin, they started mocking me for not going in, talking all sorts of things like what they did sunday, or that they saw who knows who sometime ago and this and that ... and laughing and stuff ... all these ... I was THIS close of hitting someone BAD ... and if I would have done it, there would have been 2 funerals today ... I mean it ... inside, our friend was sitting dead in a coffin and they were joking and acting as if they were waiting for a wedding to begin ....