Engineer jokes

[ToSeek]

An Engineer's Guide to Cats (http://scienceblogs.com/gregladen/2008/04/an_engineers_guide_to_cats.php)

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

(Also a cute video with cats.)

[tdvance]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were told to build an enclosure for sheep out of a given supply of fencing material. The engineer build a square fence and said, "that's a good pen".

The physicist said, "I can do better." He adjusted the fence to make a perfect circle, and said, "now, I have maximized the area given the fixed perimeter."

The mathematician said, "I can do better still." He then cut a short piece of the fence and wrapped it around himself and said, "I now define myself to be on the outside."

[Jim]

During the French Revolution, a priest, a nobleman, and an engineer were found gulty of crimes against the Revolution and sentenced to the guillotine. The priest was led to it first. He told the executioner, "I prefer to meet my maker face to face. Lie me down facing up."

This was done, the lever was thrown... and the guillotine blade refused to move!

"This is a sign from God," exclaimed the priest. The crowd called for his release, and he was led away.

The nobleman - thinking there may be something here - also insisted on being face up. The lever was pulled... and the blade refused to move!

The crowd called for the nobelman's release also, and he was led away.

The engineer also asked to lie facing up. As the executioner reached for the lever, the engineer said, "Hey, I think I see your problem."

[Demigrog]

A Mechanical Engineer, Software Engineer, and their Manager are driving on a business trip when the brakes on their car suddenly give out driving down a hill. They run off of the road and narrowly avoid hitting a tree, and fortunately come to a stop safely. They get out and try to think of what to do.

The manager says, "I suggest we form a task force to develop a plan for investigating what went wrong and how we get back on track."

"Nonsense," says the mechanical engineer. "I've got my tools in the trunk, I'll just disassemble the brakes, fix the problem, and we'll be on our way."

"I've got an idea," says the software engineer. "Let's just push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again."

[peteshimmon]

There was a naval dockyard joke on
engineering tolerances I heard many years
ago. The Mechanical engineer works to the
nearest thousanth of an inch, the Electrician
works to the nearest inch and the Shipwright
works to the nearest ship. Apparently two
shipwrights were tasked with fitting something
to a ship and they boarded the first ship
along the jetty. Which was not the ship!

[jamestox]

What's the difference between a civil engineer and a mechanical engineer?


A mechanical engineer designs the weapons....
A civil engineer designs the targets.

[jfribrg]

While on a train in Ireland, and astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician noticed a black cow in a field. The astronomer comments that all cows in Ireland are black. The physicist corrects him saying that some cows in Ireland are black. The mathematician corrects them both by saying that in Ireland, there exists at least one cow that is at least half black.

[Maksutov]

Engineer jokes:

Accounting
Personnel
Marketing
Sales
Production Control

[Maksutov]

Oldie but goodie:



Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients (all +/- 1.5 %):

532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L (+/- 1 cc) jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr +/- 1, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L (+/- 1 cc) reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm +/- 2 RPM, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 x 10mm +/- 1 mm). Heat in a 460K (+/- 0.8K) oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Johnson's first order rate expression, or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C +/- 0.5C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium with its environment.

[Van Rijn]

This thread reminded me of this TV Trope (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ElvesVsDwarves):

Elves Vs Dwarves

Many stories will have animosity between a beautiful, highly-advanced race or civilization, and a much more gritty, industrial-like force. Both are very powerful, but are as different as night and day, and get along like fire and gasoline.

In Fantasy fiction these are Elves and Dwarves. Science Fiction will have some variation on Eloi and Morlocks. In the world of business, it is Marketeers versus Engineers.

[Larry Jacks]

Not precisely an engineering joke, but:

"A sightseeing helicopter was flying near Seattle when a sudden ground fog rolled in. The pilot was lost until he saw a building sticking up through the fog. He hovered near a window and one of the passengers held up a sign reading "Where are we?"

One of the office workers held up a sign saying "You're in a helicopter."

The pilot looked at his charts for a moment and set course for the airport. After they landed, the passengers asked him, "How did you know where we were? That sign didn't help at all."

"Oh, no. It helped me immensely. I knew I had to be at one of the Microsoft buildings. You see, the information the gave, while technically accurate, was completely useless."

[davidlpf]

most engineer jokes are either how stupid they can be or how do they their egos in such small confines such as stadiums.

[Moose]

Not precisely an engineering joke, but:

"A sightseeing helicopter was flying near Seattle when a sudden ground fog rolled in. The pilot was lost until he saw a building sticking up through the fog. He hovered near a window and one of the passengers held up a sign reading "Where are we?"

One of the office workers held up a sign saying "You're in a helicopter."

The pilot looked at his charts for a moment and set course for the airport. After they landed, the passengers asked him, "How did you know where we were? That sign didn't help at all."

"Oh, no. It helped me immensely. I knew I had to be at one of the Microsoft buildings. You see, the information the gave, while technically accurate, was completely useless."

There's another version of this joke:

The passenger in the helicopter writes out another sign: "That was no help at all."

Inside the building as the helicopter flies off, a second prog walks up, peeks out, and asks: "What was all that about?"
- "A manager needed directions."
- "How did you know that was a manager?"
- "He was flying in circles, not knowing where he was or where he was going, he was utterly unprepared to deal with his situation, and yet somehow his predicament is OUR fault."

[Trebuchet]

Engineer jokes:

Accounting
Personnel
Marketing
Sales
Production Control

You left out Management.

[mike alexander]

I protest. There was usually nothing wrong with Personnel. It's when it metastasized to Inhuman Resources that things went to hell. Along about the time Computing became Information Technology, and the library became a Learning Resources Center, and Inspection became Quality Control, or maybe Quality Assurance (I never understood the latter, since Quality Assurance didn't seen to check on Quality Control, but on me. I've never quite figured out what QA actually does, except bug me and issue endless new Quality Documents.)

[tlbs101]

The optimist says, "the glass is half full".
The pessimist says, "the glass is half empty".
The engineer says, "the glass was designed to incorrect specifications".

.

[Spock Jenkins]

There's another version of this joke:

The passenger in the helicopter writes out another sign: "That was no help at all."

Inside the building as the helicopter flies off, a second prog walks up, peeks out, and asks: "What was all that about?"
- "A manager needed directions."
- "How did you know that was a manager?"
- "He was flying in circles, not knowing where he was or where he was going, he was utterly unprepared to deal with his situation, and yet somehow his predicament is OUR fault."

This is also a political joke with one member of a major U.S. political party in a hot air balloon and a member of the other major U.S. political party on the ground. Due to board rules, I will leave it at that.

[mike alexander]

This is also a political joke with one member of a major U.S. political party in a hot air balloon and a member of the other major U.S. political party on the ground. Due to board rules, I will leave it at that.

From an engineering perspective this is very efficient, since the politician is not only the passenger but the main source of lift.

[ToSeek]

Oldie but goodie:



Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients (all +/- 1.5 %):

532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L (+/- 1 cc) jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr +/- 1, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L (+/- 1 cc) reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm +/- 2 RPM, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 x 10mm +/- 1 mm). Heat in a 460K (+/- 0.8K) oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Johnson's first order rate expression, or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C +/- 0.5C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium with its environment.

I note that this recipe says nothing about removing the calcium carbonate portion of ingredient #8 before mixing.

[Trebuchet]

I note that this recipe says nothing about removing the calcium carbonate portion of ingredient #8 before mixing.

I missed seeing that ingredient! Perhaps the particular avian species should be specified; ostrich or canary ones might throw it off somewhat.

I'd prefer mine without the legume meats, thank you.

[SeanF]

Not precisely an engineering joke, but:

"A sightseeing helicopter was flying near Seattle when a sudden ground fog rolled in. The pilot was lost until he saw a building sticking up through the fog. He hovered near a window and one of the passengers held up a sign reading "Where are we?"

One of the office workers held up a sign saying "You're in a helicopter."

The pilot looked at his charts for a moment and set course for the airport. After they landed, the passengers asked him, "How did you know where we were? That sign didn't help at all."

"Oh, no. It helped me immensely. I knew I had to be at one of the Microsoft buildings. You see, the information the gave, while technically accurate, was completely useless."
The problem with that joke, of course, is that information which "helped [the pilot] immensely" cannot reasonably be described as "completely useless."

[Neverfly]

The problem with that joke, of course, is that information which "helped [the pilot] immensely" cannot reasonably be described as "completely useless."

<chuckle>

I have a bottle of pyrethrin if you would like to use it...

[mahesh]

....knife one Mak!...

(not throwing a spammer in the woks)

[SeanF]

<chuckle>

I have a bottle of pyrethrin if you would like to use it...
You know, I actually like the joke, but ever since I realized that little discrepancy, it's the first thing I think whenever I hear it. :)

[Doodler]

I protest. There was usually nothing wrong with Personnel. It's when it metastasized to Inhuman Resources that things went to hell. Along about the time Computing became Information Technology, and the library became a Learning Resources Center, and Inspection became Quality Control, or maybe Quality Assurance (I never understood the latter, since Quality Assurance didn't seen to check on Quality Control, but on me. I've never quite figured out what QA actually does, except bug me and issue endless new Quality Documents.)
QC and QA are opposite sides of the same horse. QC has its nose in everyone's business, QA just talks out its...well you get the idea.

[mike alexander]

There is also the problem that the Documents are generally not of very high Quality.

But then, the main role of Quality these days is to see how many times you can initial a given sheet of paper. I was filling in a maintenance form last week and wrote the wrong date (15th instead of 16th). I had to cross it out (SINGLE LINE ONLY), initial it, note the mistake (Wrong Date), enter the correct date, then date the correction (the same date). True.

[crosscountry]

engineer.

that's the joke :lol:





anyone know any geophysics jokes?

[KaiYeves]

An engineer joke that's also a space joke and a lame Star Wars joke:
What Twi'lek was an areospace designer?
Burt Rutian.
Twi'lek, from Star Wars Databank (http://www.starwars.com/databank/species/twilek/?id=bts)

[mike alexander]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm a engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend.

"But a talking frog, now that's cool."

[mike alexander]

Three Apple engineers and Three Microsoft Employees are traveling by train to
a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets
and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft
employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train.

The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple
engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers
don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom
and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...."

[davidlpf]

engineer.

that's the joke :lol:





anyone know any geophysics jokes?

can not make fun of perfection.

[hhEb09'1]

You know, I actually like the joke, but ever since I realized that little discrepancy, it's the first thing I think whenever I hear it. It's metainformation. The sign was useless, the fact that the sign was held was not useless. :)

[crosscountry]

can not make fun of perfection.


I'm a physicist getting into geophysics who knows many physics jokes but not one for my new profession.

If you knew of one could you send it to me?

[SeanF]

It's metainformation. The sign was useless, the fact that the sign was held was not useless. :)
Separating the medium from the message? No dice. :)

"That sign didn't help at all."

"Oh, no. It helped me immensely."

And even discounting any semantics, the point of the joke is that going to Microsoft support does not help, but in the case presented it actually did help.

[pghnative]

Three engineers were discussing the nature of god. They agreed god had to be an engineer to have designed humans, but they argued over which type of engineer.

The chemical engineer naturally though god was a ChE --- after all, all of the structure and energy results from a wonderful use of chemistry.

The electrical engineer naturally thought god was an EE -- after all, without the proper working of the neurons, humans couldn't eat, drink, move, think, etc.

The civil engineer said it was obvious god was a CE --- why? Because who else would route a wastewater pipe through a recreational area.

[Nadme]

Don't blow the horn! I'm shoveling coal as fast as I can!

Oh. :shifty: Not that kind of engineer. :confused: ;)

[hhEb09'1]

No dice. :)Die :)
And even discounting any semantics, the point of the joke is that going to Microsoft support does not help, but in the case presented it actually did help.A joke is what you bring to it :)
That sign didn't help at all."

"Oh, no. It helped me immensely. I knew I had to be at one of the Microsoft buildings. You see, the information the gave, while technically accurate, was completely useless."The information on the sign was useless, but the sign helped. That's the way I hear it anyway, so I still think it's funny, expecially the followup versions. :)

A geophysicist and an engineer were taking a shortcut back to the car after a late night of decompressing. A mugger jumped out in front of them and demanded all their money. The engineer fell to pieces, but the geophysicist stayed cool. She pulled out her wallet, turned to her blubbering friend, and said "Here's that fifty I owe you."

[SeanF]

Die :)
Hey! :lol:

The information on the sign was useless, but the sign helped.
Before, you said the sign was useless but holding up the sign helped. :naughty:

That's the way I hear it anyway, so I still think it's funny, expecially the followup versions. :)
Oh, I still think it's funny. :)

[Van Rijn]

[snip]
"Oh, no. It helped me immensely. I knew I had to be at one of the Microsoft buildings. You see, the information the gave, while technically accurate, was completely useless."

When I used to hear this joke (it was always a popular one), it was always about IBM. Since about the mid '90s it seems to always be about Microsoft. They both have a habit of providing "accurate but useless" information, but it seems more people are now familiar with the Microsoft example.

[Ronald Brak]

When I used to hear this joke (it was always a popular one), it was always about IBM. Since about the mid '90s it seems to always be about Microsoft. They both have a habit of providing "accurate but useless" information, but it seems more people are now familiar with the Microsoft example.

Economists and politicians, without the fog:
"You must be an economist. You're answer is 100% correct and 100% useless!"
"You must be a politician."
"Yes, how did you know?"
"You have such a great view from up there and yet you still don't know where you're going."

[Tobin Dax]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm a engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend.

"But a talking frog, now that's cool."
What's the joke? :whistle:

[tdvance]

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer walked into a bar. The bartender said, "what's this, some kind of joke?"

[Maksutov]

Three bartenders walked into a lecture by Richard Feynman. Dr. Feynman noticed them and asked them what they were doing there. All three replied, "Surely you're joking, Mr. Feynman!"

[Moose]

Three physicists walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.

[mugaliens]

Three engineers were dating the same woman. On purpose. It keeps the woman happy, as each has to spend 1/3 the time listening, and 1/3 the money taking her out...

[KaiYeves]

Three bartenders walked into a lecture by Richard Feynman. Dr. Feynman noticed them and asked them what they were doing there. All three replied, "Surely you're joking, Mr. Feynman!"
Hahahahahahahaha!

[crosscountry]

A geophysicist and an engineer were taking a shortcut back to the car after a late night of decompressing. A mugger jumped out in front of them and demanded all their money. The engineer fell to pieces, but the geophysicist stayed cool. She pulled out her wallet, turned to her blubbering friend, and said "Here's that fifty I owe you."


that's a better lawyer joke. :D

[crosscountry]

Three engineers were dating the same woman. On purpose. It keeps the woman happy, as each has to spend 1/3 the time listening, and 1/3 the money taking her out...


A French Poet, mathematician, and engineer were discussing lovers. The Poet says he'd rather have a mistress because the passion drives him wild. The mathematician says he wants a wife with a steady day to day life. The engineer says he wants both. "Both?" asked the other two, "but you cannot have both".

The engineer replies, "with both the wife thinks I'm with the mistress; the mistress thinks I'm with the wife, and I can get some work done."

[HenrikOlsen]

It's when it metastasized to Inhuman Resources that things went to hell.
Best comment (http://freefall.purrsia.com/ff400/fv00339.htm) on Human Resources I've see so far.
And that whole series is full of engineer jokes.

[Whirlpool]

"Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things. "
--Anon.

[Larry Jacks]

"Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things. "
--Anon.

Yeah, the boring things that make modern life possible. The least others could do is say "thank you."

[grimace42]

Scrawled on the toilet in the Physical Sciences Library at Canterbury University in Christchurch, New Zealand.
"Yesterday I couldn't even spell engineer. Today I are one"

Possibly more directed at having their second or third go at getting out of their intermediate year...

[farmerjumperdon]

Three bartenders walked into a lecture by Richard Feynman. Dr. Feynman noticed them and asked them what they were doing there. All three replied, "Surely you're joking, Mr. Feynman!"

No, I'm quite serious; and stop calling me Shirley.

[Tobin Dax]

Scrawled on the toilet in the Physical Sciences Library at Canterbury University in Christchurch, New Zealand.
"Yesterday I couldn't even spell engineer. Today I are one"

Possibly more directed at having their second or third go at getting out of their intermediate year...
Kind of from the other way (and not quite an engineer joke), I got this from my predecessor when I started teaching physics this year:

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."



(Had to search for it, since the calendar page is hiding from me right now.)

[crosscountry]

I'll try to remember that one.