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Solid Bismuth
28-October-2008, 11:00 PM
The following is the introduction to a multi-part story I am writing for a local Rochester-based magazine. The magazine, Look Magazine, is run partly by my Aunt and is nothing special. Anyway, I welcome any criticism on this introduction. Thank you.


Stealing Mars
Thomas Miller

Introduction

During the years between 2102 and 2146, humans had begun to colonize Mars in hopes of achieving a life better than what Earth could offer. The vast impact humans have had on Earth’s environment brought forth many new issues and reawakened old ones. The idea of colonizing Mars excited everyone. Many wanted to be a part of the mission in some way and those chosen to be the colonists (mainly scientists from various essential fields) were extremely optimistic. It was a fresh start, as if all of the problems of Earth could be simply erased and humanity could finally set certain things right.

This colonization effort was achieved mainly by the United States, Russia, China, Japan and the European Space Agency (accompanied by donations from several other countries and countless private organizations). The countries collaborated with each other in order to conquer such a magnificent aspiration. By cooperating, the various countries were able to create more effective equipment and vehicles at half the cost.

It is now the year 2159 and all 11,366 colonists are now dead.

Unbeknownst to humans at the time of colonization was the fact that Mars was, in fact, already inhabited with intelligent life. These Martians relocated underground long ago to escape their seemingly dying planet’s harsh new conditions. They did not risk ever returning to the surface for fear of the air’s composition being changed among other potential disasters. During this period of change, Mars’ seas began to recede. Before going underground, the Martians took with them 98% of the planet’s water. These Martians were also herbivores and fed off of the primitive plant life that existed on the planet at the time. They took nearly all of the plants underground with them.

When humans began colonizing the apparently barren and desolate planet, they alerted the Martians right away. The leaders of the Martian race were in constant debate of what to do. To them it appeared as if their planet was being invaded. They did not want their sparse resources drained but the constant disagreements on how to handle the situation delayed any action.

August 6, 2146 marks the date when the majority of the human settlements were finished. The Martian landscape was dotted with domes made of 4 foot thick glass, harboring large cities that stretched for miles. The colonies were flourishing. The economy was booming and the scientific and technological achievements were vast. Many of the cities on Mars resembled the cities of Earth. There were shops, restaurants, businesses and apartment buildings lining the walkways. Of course, like earth’s cities, there was also crime and illegal activities. On Mars, a strict gun policy had been put in place, allowing no firearms of any type. But with cargo ships arriving every week, smuggling did occur and a countless amount of weapons found their way to Mars.

January 26, 2147 marks the date when the Martians finally attacked. However, their attack was somewhat of an accident. This first encounter took place when a group of miners unintentionally drilled straight into an underground Martian city. The 36 miners were attacked and killed almost immediately by the Martian soldiers’ sharp blades and spears. Soon after, the Martians realized that the air composition, pressure and radiation of their planet was still habitable for their species.

That day marked day one of the, “Bloody Massacre” an all-out assault on every human civilization on the Martian surface. The assault lasted only 4 weeks and ended with the death of all of the colonists. The Martian soldiers greatly outnumbered the humans 13 to 1 and it didn’t help that the majority of the colonists weren’t armed. The Martians, being a fairly curious, adaptive and intelligent species, taught themselves how to use the smuggled human weapons only 2 weeks after first contact. Within three weeks they had already learned how to operate human vehicles, equipment and other items. The Martians also quickly learned that the humans cannot survive on Mars without protective gear or equipment. The Martian soldiers used this to their advantage and utilized human explosives to create large cracks in the protective domes harboring the human settlements.

Back on Earth, shock and awe was felt by all. After constant debate and disagreement, a decision was made. The U.S., China, Russia and the U.K. decided to donate volunteer soldiers (and draft them, if necessary) to the United Nations to combat the Martians. The total amount of soldiers received was approximately 10,000. Money was taken from the World Bank to help fund the effort as well. The soldiers, affectionately called, “Dust Devils”, went through brutal training exercises to prepare for the harsh Martian conditions. Finally, in 2156, the soldiers were sent to Mars to take revenge on humanity’s new enemy. The 16 ships, concealing the Dust Devils, finally reached Martian orbit during the year, 2159.

To Be Continued

PraedSt
28-October-2008, 11:05 PM
I like :)

Solid Bismuth
28-October-2008, 11:46 PM
Thank you.

As you can see, it is quite condensed and a bit vague in some parts.

I had limited space though, you know?

PraedSt
29-October-2008, 12:21 AM
How much space? How many parts? I was thinking that, (if you can negotiate more space), maybe the first part could end with the first attack. A complete surprise to the colonists and your readers alike. Of course, you'll have to beef up the earlier bits...

Jeff Root
29-October-2008, 12:52 AM
I hope you won't mind if I critique the writing style and leave aside any
comments about the science and technology. I'll just point out what I
see in the first few sentences.


During the years between 2102 and 2146, humans had begun to colonize
Mars in hopes of achieving a life better than what Earth could offer.
The very first clause sounds a bit clumsy. You might replace "During"
with "In".

The past perfect tense of "had begun" seems unnecessary. Why not
use past tense instead? I realize that the colonization ended and so
was not continuing, but the past perfect really isn't needed.

"Hopes" should be singular. The word "what" is clumsy and unnecesary.

"In the years between 2102 and 2146, humans began to colonize Mars
in hope of achieving a better life than Earth could offer."


The vast impact humans have had on Earth’s environment brought forth
many new issues and reawakened old ones.
Here you mix past perfect ("have had") and past ("brought") tenses.

"Brought forth" sounds stilted. "Issues" is terribly vague.


The idea of colonizing Mars excited everyone.
"Idea" could be replaced with a more graphic term. "Everyone" is too
vague. Be more specific about who was excited and why they were
excited. Surely not everyone was excited by the prospect of
colonizing Mars! But maybe it did become the alluring destination of
the adventurous young of the age, and an attractive investment for
those who preferred to stay home.

I'm going to leave off there, for now. I could go on, if you want.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

mugaliens
29-October-2008, 01:10 AM
"Unbeknownst?"

Lician, cyban me for hwon be brucan baet giedd!

kleindoofy
29-October-2008, 01:23 AM
Nice. I wonder who will win in the end.

May I offer a few language improvements? Just a little proof read before you submit it.

1. The vast impact humans have had on Earth’s environment ...

2. and those chosen to be the colonists ...

4. The countries collaborated with each other in order to conquer such a magnificent aspiration. ...

5. It is now the year 2159 and all 11,366 colonists are now dead.

6. Unbeknownst to humans at the time of colonization was the fact that Mars was, in fact, already inhabited with intelligent life.

7. These Martians relocated underground long ago to escape their seemingly dying planet’s harsh new conditions.

8. They did not risk ever returning to the surface for fear of the air’s composition being changed among other potential disasters.

9. Before going underground, the Martians took with them 98% of the planet’s water.

10. These Martians were also herbivores

11. When humans began colonizing the apparently barren and desolate planet, they alerted the Martians right away.

12. To them it appeared as if their planet was being invaded.

13. They did not want their sparse resources drained but the constant disagreements ...

14.
August 6, 2146 marks the date
January 26, 2147 marks the date
That day marked day one

15. That day marked day one of the, “Bloody Massacre” an all-out

16. The Martian soldiers greatly outnumbered the humans 13 to 1

17. The Martians also quickly learned that the humans cannot survive on Mars

18. The Martian soldiers used this to their advantage and utilized ...

19. shock and awe

20. decided to donate volunteer soldiers (and draft them, if necessary)

21. The soldiers, affectionately called, “Dust Devils”, went through

22. Finally, in 2156, the soldiers were sent to Mars to take revenge on humanity’s new enemy. The 16 ships, concealing the Dust Devils, finally reached Martian orbit ...

1. The vast impact humans had had on Earth’s environment ... you changed tenses

2. and those chosen to be the colonists ... strike "the": priorly undetermined

4. The countries collaborated with each other in order to conquer such a magnificent aspiration. ...

Either: "The countries had to collaborate with each other in order to conquer such a magnificent aspiration"

or: "The countries collaborated with each other in order to conquer this magnificent aspiration."

5. It is now the year 2159 and all 11,366 colonists are now dead. two times "now"

6. Unbeknownst to humans at the time of colonization was the fact that Mars was, in fact, already inhabited with intelligent life.

two times "fact"; better: "Unbeknownst to the humans, at the time of colonization Mars was, in fact, already inhabited with intelligent life."

7. These Martians relocated underground long ago to escape their seemingly dying planet’s harsh new conditions.

perhaps "the" instead of "these"; "new" sounds displaced, perhaps: "planet’s new and harsh conditions."

8. They did not risk ever returning to the surface for fear of the air’s composition being changed among other potential disasters.

better: "having been changed, among"

9. Before going underground, the Martians took with them 98% of the planet’s water.

not "before," rather "upon"

10. These Martians were also herbivores

Perhaps "the"; strike "also": no other characteristic was mentioned.

11. When humans began colonizing the apparently barren and desolate planet, they alerted the Martians right away.

the humans didn't do the alerting, the fact that they were there did, better:

"Humans colonizing the apparently barren and desolate planet alerted the Martians right away."

12. To them it appeared as if their planet was being invaded.

"appeared as if" is redundant; better: "It appeared to them that their planet was being invaded."

13. They did not want their sparse resources drained but the constant disagreements ... strike "the"; priorly undetermined

14.
August 6, 2146 marks the date
January 26, 2147 marks the date
That day marked day one

three times "mark [the] day/date"

15. That day marked day one of the, “Bloody Massacre” an all-out

displaced comma: "That day marked day one of the “Bloody Massacre,” an all-out"

16. The Martian soldiers greatly outnumbered the humans 13 to 1

"greatly" and "13 to 1" is redundant: either "The Martian soldiers greatly outnumbered the humans" or "The Martian soldiers outnumbered the humans 13 to 1"

17. The Martians also quickly learned that the humans cannot survive on Mars

"could not" - skipped tenses

18. The Martian soldiers used this to their advantage and utilized ...

variatio delectat

19. shock and awe

intentional?

20. decided to donate volunteer soldiers (and draft them, if necessary)

"or"

21. The soldiers, affectionately called, “Dust Devils”, went through

displaced comma: "called “Dust Devils,” went"

22. Finally, in 2156, the soldiers were sent to Mars to take revenge on humanity’s new enemy. The 16 ships, concealing the Dust Devils, finally reached Martian orbit ...

two times "finally"

Sorry, I couldn't resist: I work in publishing. :whistle:

[edit:] oops, Jeff beat me to a few.

Jeff Root
29-October-2008, 02:26 AM
Yes, if I'd kept at it for another two or three hours, I would have posted the
same as kleindoofy, but after him.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

Solid Bismuth
29-October-2008, 02:57 AM
Wow.

Haha.

A lot of mistakes my English teacher missed.

Thanks for the pointers guys.

I'm disappointed though because I just found out my aunt cut herself off from the magazine and it won't be going in it.