I enjoyed the The Top Ten Reasons Why [and Why Not] Pluto Is a Planet.

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Lighten up! This is a stellar board!

Joe, our Space Academy councilor, had a few:

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I want to go back to the moon.
I don't care which rocket you use, whichever one you pick, I'll like it, I swear.
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek

Fallout 3 eh?

Sorry I have no jokes that haven't already been told, just wanted to call ya on this.

I dunno. My son told it to me.

Nick

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--
Nick Theodorakis

Not an astronomy joke really, but Star Trek. I saw the original version of this one about 15 years ago. I lost my copy and had to re-write it. I've since found the original and I've gone a little overboard.

How many U.S.S Enterprise crew members does it take to change a light bulb?

14-
The burn out is noticed by Yeomen Rand and reported to Bones, who pronounces it dead. He notifies Scotty, who dispatches a repair crew of two unnamed crewmen, but they are unable to complete the job due to a lack of bulbs in the ship's stores. Fortunately, Spock is able to locate a primitive class M planet with a surplus supply of bulbs, and Sulu sets a course.

Upon arrival, Uhura, Kirk, Bones, Checkov, and four anonymous men in red shirts beam down. The four unknown men are instantly killed by a poisonous residue found on the grass. While asking "Why?" in a badly overacted, wide-armed manner, Kirk and the others are captured by the locals and taken to the village.

Meanwhile, a Romulan ship, also in need of light bulbs, decloaks forcing Spock to leave orbit, but he can't because Checkov locked out his helm controls in protest of never getting the girl. This of course puts the ship on red alert, at which time Scotty yells, "We canna loose another bulb. She's dark enough in here all ready. Any more an’ we'll be flyin' blind."

To which Spock responds, "Patience, Mr. Scott."

By now, back on the surface, Kirk has managed to seduce the king's daughter, Uhura as flirted with the king's son, Bones has delivered the queen's baby and cured the king of the dreaded hydroxinide virus, and Checkov has screamed and pulled out all of the hair on the back of his head, and all are freed.

Through a clever ploy, Kirk convinces the Romulans to beam the four
remaining members to the Enterprise while sending the Romulans a gross of burnt out bulbs, at which point a bad pun is made, Spock arches an eyebrow, and a good laugh is had by all.

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I'm not evil.
An evil person would do the things I think up.

Another one from Space Academy, albeit unintentional:

I was discussing space tourism with a councilor (Not Joe) and mentioned Spaceport America in New Mexico.

The councilor proceeded to say "Eh, nobody will ever go there for space, it's in the middle of nowhere."

Remember, this guy is saying this in (and he probably lives in) Huntsville. Which, in the 50s, was indeed the middle of nowhere.

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I want to go back to the moon.
I don't care which rocket you use, whichever one you pick, I'll like it, I swear.
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek

Don't read this if you've had a facelift, it's so bad you might pop a seam.

Q: What gets you out of a gravity well?

A: Sick levity.

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"A Paradox may be Paradoctored"
Robert Anson Heinlein, All You Zombies, 1958

I've heard...

They don't screw in light bulbs. They screw them out, so they can see.

Another:

Question: What agreement did the astronomer, the astrophysicist and the and the astonomical engineer reach concerning the event horizon?

Answer: Agreement! What are you - nuts?

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If I set the budget, we'd have Ares and more. Unfortunately, I don't set the budget, and Ares is just too expensive and too far out for us to accomplish our goals within the budget we were given.

If we halt the ISS, all versions of Ares, and transport Orion and Altair aboard DIRECTv3's Jupiter family of Shuttle-Derived Launch Vehicles, we just might make it back to the Moon by 2020.

In the self amusement category, I was doing a crossword puzzle in which one of the clues was "Hawaiian dish", three letters. The first thing I asked myself was "What radio telescopes are in Hawaii?" The actual puzzle word was "poi". Have I lost touch with reality?

I know this really unlucky guy.
Really? What happened to him?
When Mir fell down, part of it broke off and crushed his new outhouse. The paint hadn't even dried yet.
Why was he building a new outhouse?
Because when Skylab fell down, part of it broke off and crushed his old outhouse.

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I want to go back to the moon.
I don't care which rocket you use, whichever one you pick, I'll like it, I swear.
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek

Oh, many years ago, one fine early, early winter morning, getting ready for work, the radio on, the presenter goes: sunrise due in half an hour, it's three degrees, outside my window here, in London......i had visions of this group:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_Degrees

standing out on the ledge of his tenth floor studio, ready to burst into one of their fine numbers...when i got side-tracked with thinking of black body radiation....weird associations....


...Chuck, you aren't the only crazy one in town, dear...
''and i like your 'joke'...nice

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clear skies

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. CARL SAGAN

Mak: Pass the pepperoni please.
Fazor: "Hail, Bautainia! We pledge our hearts to thee! Science and woo, some babbling too, and astron-oh-meee!"
slang: And it made ash out of yew and tree.

Earlier this morning I was thinking of 'Astronomy Humour' and thought of Can You Speak Venusian! a book by Sir Patrick Moore, our mentor. I think it was published in the Seventies. I might be wrong, may have been earlier...

Upon some cogitation, I have come up with this ^* on You Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjpcZ...eature=related

Serious and funny. The guy is serious, as is Patrick Moore.
There are other similar related links, on the right. Thought you might have a laugh off these!

*edit: from archives ...just realised this was done around 1969! forty years ago! luuuvely!

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clear skies

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. CARL SAGAN

Mak: Pass the pepperoni please.
Fazor: "Hail, Bautainia! We pledge our hearts to thee! Science and woo, some babbling too, and astron-oh-meee!"
slang: And it made ash out of yew and tree.

Okay, yes, that IS hilarious.

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I want to go back to the moon.
I don't care which rocket you use, whichever one you pick, I'll like it, I swear.
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek

Have you heard about the restaurant that opened on the Moon?
It has great food and excellent service, but no atmosphere.

An alien spacecraft lands right next to Paris Hilton, and its occupant disembarks. He has green skin, two heads with one eye in the center of each, six legs, and and arm sticking out of the center of his chest. He tells Paris, "I need to see your leader." To which she replies, "No, dear, what you need to see is a plastic surgeon."

In the center of a 20 foot square room is a $100 bill. In one corner is Santa Claus, in the second corner is the Easter Bunny, in the third corner is a smart Moon Hoax believer, and the last corner is occupied by a dumb Moon Hoax believer. Who gets to the C-note first?
The dumb Moon Hoax believer, because there's no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a smart Moon Hoax believer.

Besides condensed matter and dark matter astromoners have recently discovered doesn't matter....which apparently has no effect whatsoever on the universe.

Just thought you ought to know...
G^2

So, Doesn't Matter is not matter, but if it's snot matter, than it does have an effect on the universe.

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Lighten up! This is a stellar board!

Oh great, another believer in the Great Green Arkleseizure.

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Numbers are not case sensitive. (me)

I am unfamiliar with this green guy, but is this snot funny?

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Lighten up! This is a stellar board!

So, the bartender walks away to service other customers. Fifteen minutes later, the bartender walks back to where the neutron was sitting, but he's gone.

"That's strange," the bartender says, "He was just here. Do either of you two know where that neutron went?"

The proton and electron look at each other, and say "Nope, haven't a clue. There's a shady guy over there in the corner who might know, but good luck being able to spot him."

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The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.

Astronomy classified

Super red giant seeks white dwarf for close binary relationship.

Watch out! If your relationship proceeds to the mass-exchange stage, some white dwarfs are prone to engage in sudden outbursts.

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The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.

I guess it depends if they reach their limit or not

If the limit WAS reached, you'd see a REALLY big outburst!

But you know how fickle white dwarfs are. Once the mass-exchange starts, they're prone to smaller outbursts even when they're well below the limit.

Reasons for the Russian Mir satellite Accident:

After a thorough investigation, US and Russian teams issued a joint statement concluding that the cause of the accident was:

" Objects in Mir are closer than they appear".

You know you're an astronomer when somebody goes "Do you like Twilight?" and you say "Nah, it's okay for spotting satellites, but I like it when it's really dark."

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I want to go back to the moon.
I don't care which rocket you use, whichever one you pick, I'll like it, I swear.
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek

You know you're an astronomer when Jon Stewart manufactures a fake "joke quote" from his interview with Neil DeGrasse Tyson in which he says:

"Red dwarf stars in their planetary nebulae phase are comparable in mass to our sun."

... and you know what's wrong with it!

You know you're NOT an astronomer if...

....you think that 'solar corona' refers to a hot Mexican beer.

Or....if you think light pollution is a few beer cans in the yard.

G^2

Well once you allow that to happen, you might as well walk the planck

Um ... is that because of all the blackbody radiation associated with a Nova event?

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The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.

Coincidently, the middle of nowhere is the best place for that sort of thing.

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Aim high (but don't blow yourself up)!- Homer Hickam

In Soviet Russia, UFO report you!- Phil Plait

Carl Sagan may have seen a pale blue dot, but I see a sapphire.- Doug Phillips, Discovering Alabama.

Clear skies Maksutov.