A physics student, a medical student, and a law student are all given the task of learning New Yorks City's telephone book by heart.
"Why?" asks the physics student.
"Till when?" asks the medical student
"Yellow Pages, too?" asks the law student,

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Non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Pierre de Fermat: I just don’t have room here to give the full explanation.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Pierre de Fermat: I just don’t have room here to give the full explanation.

Q: What is a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.

CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent -- a gerbil if the machine is a 286 model, a ferret if it's a 386, and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Physicists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.

Q: What is the chemical formula for water?
A: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
(H-to-O)

-If an apparently serious problem manifests itself, no solution is acceptable unless it is involved, expensive and time-consuming;
-Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring credit upon the performing personnel -- it merely proves that the task was easier than expected;
-Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge;
-Sufficient monies to do the job correctly the first time are usually not available; however, ample funds are much more easily obtained for repeated major redesigns.
(IEEE Spectrum)

If it’s green or wriggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
If it is useful, it’s engineering.

Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?
A: It’s a gluon that’s not completely dry

Q: Why are elves chaotic?
A: Brownian motion...




Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"




A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week. Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Look I'm a scientist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."




Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses, culled from depositions and trial transcripts. Here's a classic:

Lawyer: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Lawyer: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Lawyer: OK, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: He came into the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Lawyer: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Lawyer: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Lawyer: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.
Lawyer: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.



Sorry, I may have gotten some of these from other joke topics here. If so I apologize, I don't keep track of where I get them.

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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
-Steven Wright



My Website: The Black Cat's Web Page

Well, doggone, I got it too!

Two psychiatrists are walking towards each other on a Fifth Avenue sidewalk. As they pass, one psychiatrist says, "How are you?"

The other psychiatrist doesn't say anything in return, but about five minutes later he stops, rubs his goatee, and thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

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A person's name, or a mark representing it, as signed personally or by deputy, as in subscribing a letter or other document.

Whoa, that's an old one!

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A person's name, or a mark representing it, as signed personally or by deputy, as in subscribing a letter or other document.

Those are great.

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At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

A surgeon, and engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about who's profession was older. The surgeon argued that God had put Adam to sleep and taken out a rib, and that was an operation, and so claimed the title.

The engineer, said "wait a minute", 7 days prior, God had created the world out of chaos, that's an engineering feat", and claimed the title.

"Hold on", said the lawyer, "who do you think created the chaos?"

This may be more of a lawyer joke, but it does have a Doctor and engineer.

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Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend,... - Moody Blues.

In retribution:

A group of engineers and a group of mathemmaticians were travelling by train. All of the mathematicians had tickets, but only one of the engineers had remembered to buy a ticket. Of course, the mathematicians all snickered at the dumb engineers.

Just before the conductor entered the car, all of the engineers got up, crammed themselves into one of the restrooms. When the conductor knocked, they slid the ticket out. The conductor punched it, and went on.

On the way back, the mathematicians did the same trick, and only bought one ticket for the group. But this time, the engineers had no tickets -- apparantly they had forgotten whose job it was to get the ticket. Again, the mathematicians snickered at the dumb engineers.

Just before the conductor enterred the car, all of the mathematicians got up and crammed themselves into one of the restrooms. all of the engineers got up, and crammed themselves into another restroom. All except one engineer, who went up, knocked on the mathematicians door, and took their ticket.

A group of engineers were having a similar argument. They figured that God had to be an engineer --- but which discipline?

The EE felt that God had to be an electrical engineer, since animals are controlled by nerve impulses.

The ChE felt that God had to be a chemical engineer, since all processes, both plant and animal, were ultimately run by chemical reactions.

Then the CE concluded that God absolutely had to be a Civil Engineer. Who else but a civil engineer would run a wastewater channel directly through a recreation area.

Q: What's new?




A: C over lambda.

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Earth First! We'll mine the rest later.

This is apparently a true story, but it's worth sharing anyway.

Continued at the link.

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Everything I need to know I learned through Googling.

This is another true story, according a friend of mine.

Apparently his undergraduate physics professor was a little nuts. He was the sort of guy who would drink liquid nitrogen (don't try it at home kids, it's a wonder this guy is still alive). Well, anyway. Apparently he went to another physics class and saw a great physics lecture by another professor.

On the first day, the other professor said to the class, "I am going to show you how much I trust the stuff I am going to teach you in class." So he walked up to a bowling ball he had hanging by a rope from the ceiling in the middle of the auditorium. He grabbed the bowling ball, walked to one side of the room, held it up to his nose, then standing very still released it. The bowling ball, doing what any pendulum would do, swung to the other side of the room, then swung back right at his face, stopping a fraction of an inch from his nose.

My friend's professor was very impressed, and decided he would incorporate it into to his own lecture for my friend's year. Before the first day, he set up a bowling ball hanging from the ceiling in exactly the same manner. Like the other professor, he said "I am going to show you how much I trust the stuff I am going to teach you in class." So he grabbed the bowling ball, walked to one side of the room, held the bowling ball up to his nose, then while standing very still pushed the bowling ball forward...

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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
-Steven Wright



My Website: The Black Cat's Web Page

Heh! How hard did he push? Did he need medical treatment?

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I say there is an invisible elf in my backyard. How do you prove that I am wrong?

Disclaimer: Avatar is not an official NASA image and does not imply any specific interplanetary or interstellar capability.

The Leif Ericson Cruiser

There is an insane trick where you put liquid nitrogen in your mouth, but you can't actually drink it. I read about someone who did drink some and it didn't go well. It turns to gas inside you and your stomache is not a balloon.

My physics teacher did that as well (of course without the pushing) with a heavy iron ball suspend from the middle of the ceiling. He released it with his head against the wall. We were positively shrieking when it missed his head by a milimetre or so (this solid 20 kg or so ball hung on a thin wire, so there was very little friction and we saw a very, very near miss...).

Now who said, "if it doesn't work, it's physics?"?

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Non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem.

Yeah - I've done that one before. Scares you a bit to see the bowling ball (we used a 16lb bowling ball on thin steel wire) coming up to hit you in the face (or so your body thinks) and stopping just fractionally short.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish.


———

(One needs to listen to this one)

A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

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"I have a cunning plan that cannot fail."
S. Baldrick

Count me as one of those who've done the bowling ball demo. The real trick is to ignore the ball and keep the banter up the whole time it's moving and totally ignore it as it comes back up toward your face. The other good demo was shooting the falling monkey with the dart gun. We used real darts and you could always hear a convincing thud as poor Zip took another one for science.

So, an astronomy related one.

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, as that's the only place it will be observable. He falls afoul of the local cannibals, however, and is captured on the day before the eclipse. Since the eclipse is due around noon he decides to pull the old "Release me or I'll put out the sun" trick. Obviously, this won't work if they kill him before the eclipse, so he needs to find out when the cannibals normally kill their captives.

The astronomer knows a few words of the language, so he asks his guard how much time he has left. The guard replies, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."

"Great," thinks the astronomer. "I couldn't ask for better timing."

The guard continues though. "But since we're really excited about it in your case we've decided to wait until after the eclipse."


-------

Then the short one. A gorilla, a penguin, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this? A joke?"

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"I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind." - William Thompson, 1st Baron Lord Kelvin

"If it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - Tweedledee

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli

Have you heard the one about the not-too-bright astronomer who was puzzled about where the Sun went when it set?

So he pondered the matter for an entire night and finally it dawned on him.

Dave Mitsky

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Chance favors the prepared mind.
De gustibus non est disputandum.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.