A positron meets an electron. Hey I’m anti matter says the positron. Are you sure asks the electron? Yes replies the positron, I’m positive. (Adapted from a joke that I saw on the front of a t- shirt.)

This can be a funny thread. Please be careful not to use previously known (and especially copyrighted) material here.

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Forming opinions as we speak

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.
The barman replies, "Certainly sir, that'll be 80p"


Where do you get mercury from?
HG Wells.



clop

A sodium atom walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "I think I lost an electron"
The bartender asks, "Are you positive?"

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At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

What is the chemical formula for dog urine?
K₉P


clop

What did the quartz say to the feldspar?
Don't take me for granite!

__________________
Forming opinions as we speak

Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so that he could watch television?

clop

Well, here's my take on the classic (or not so classic) physics story.

Once upon a time there was a kingdom that was dependent on its dairy industry for survival (call it Wisconsin I suppose). One day, the cows in this kingdom stopped giving milk. For a day or two this was not a problem as adequate supplies of cheese, yogurt, and other dairy products were in storage. As the days lengthened to weeks, then months, however, supplies dwindled, and the lack of milk became a national crisis.

Naturally, the first people called in were the Royal Veterinarians. Despite all their medical tests, however, they could find nothing wrong with the cows. The King of Wisconsin, not a patient man, had them executed.The Royal Biologists were next. They failed, and met the same fate as the Vets. The Royal Genetecists fared no better.

Thinking that the problem might be in the grass itself, the King called in his Royal Agronomists. They found nothing different in the grass. "Off with their heads." The Royal Chemists also went to the block after finding no odd chemical imbalance or evidence of poison. The Royal Astronomer found no tidal effects and found himself subject to the tidal forces of the rack.

This went on as the King exhausted (and eliminated) all of his scientific corps. (Not very intelligent, was he?) Finally, the only scientist left was the Royal Physicist. He went upon the task diligently. He observed the cows. Took measurements, performed x-ray diffraction and other tests. He then retreated to his laboratory and began a long, detailed, multi-dimensional analysis of his data. People worried about his health, but the Royal Physicist labored on.

Finally, he appeared before the King: unshaven, in bad need of a haircut (OK, so this makes him no different from any other physicist) but clearly suffering from severe exhaustion. He presented the King with a lengthy report and told him, "Your Majesty. I'm sorry to say that I was unable to exactly determine why the cows have stopped giving milk. But I think that I have come up with a workable model that replicates their behavior and would have allowed the Royal Veterinarian to have treated them if you hadn't had the entire Royal Vet Corps executed. This report explains the model. You may be able to save the ... cows.. before....."

At this point the Royal Physicist dropped dead from exhaustion at the King's feet. Deeply moved, and hopeful, the King opened the report to see what needed to be done to restore the cows to full milk production. Upon opening the report, the abstract read,"

"Let us model the Cow as a perfect sphere..."

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"I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind." - William Thompson, 1st Baron Lord Kelvin

"If it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - Tweedledee

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli

LOL, I've heard that phrase, but not in that context. I wonder how many non-physicist types will understand it.

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Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend,... - Moody Blues.

Not good enough people, try harder.

clop

Or what, you'll make us stay after class and clean the erasers?

__________________
At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

A mathematician, a chemist, and an engineer are asked to prove or disprove by example that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine isn't prime. Disproven.

Chemist: One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine isn't prime, eleven is prime, thirteen is prime, fifteen isn't prime, seventeen is prime. I only had to throw out two data points... proven.

Engineer. three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime, eleven is prime,...

__________________
At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

Alternative Theorist. two is prime. Disproven.

__________________
Forming opinions as we speak

Three warning signs you may be a chemist:

1) You think a mole is a unit of amount (18 g of water, for example) rather than a small animal that digs up your lawn

2) You pronounce unionized as "un-ionized" rather than "union-ized"

3) You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

__________________
At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

#4 - chromatographer’s fingers.

hbar, the bar for physicists

Featuring incompressable probablility fluid, on tap.

__________________
"I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind." - William Thompson, 1st Baron Lord Kelvin

"If it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - Tweedledee

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli

A social scientist was hiking through the country when a hot air ballon drifted overhead. A man in it called out, "Hey! Can you tell me where I am?"
The social scientist shouted to him, "You're 30 meters above me in a big balloon!"
"Brilliant!" said the man. "You must be an economist!"
"Yes I am, how did you know?" said the scientist.
"Because," replied the man, "Your answer was both completely correct and totally useless."
"Well you must be a politician," said the scientist.
"Yes I am! How did you know that?" said the man in the balloon.
"Because you have such a great view from up there and you still don't know where you are or where you're going."

Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help.
Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made up of some basic compounds
but most importantly --one part sodium. "You mean?" said Fern. Yes, said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

Don't run into psi there - such a square.

It must be true after all, scientists have no sense of humour.



And I don't believe anyone got my architect joke.



clop