If you’re old enough, you may remember, in Mad Magazine, Al Jaffe’s Snappy answers to stupid questions. I’d like to try it with a bit of a twist. Instead of stupid questions, let’s try common questions about science and technology.

Post a question and a snappy answer. Alternatively, try to one-up someone else’s answer(s) to his own question.

Some examples to kick it off:

Q: What’s the difference between astronomy and astrology?
A: One is a path that can lead to fame and fortune while the other leads only to fame.
A: There are degrees of separation.
A: You can get a B.S in one while the other is B.S.

Q: Will Jupiter ever become a star?
A: He’s got no talent. But who can tell? You kids and your music…
A: Is there a couch big enough for the “audition”?
A: He had a promising start but now he seems to be just going in circles.

Q: Why don’t I fall off the Earth since it’s spinning?
A: Chuck Norris…’nuff said.

I remember snappy answers to stupid questions ...

How come I remember it?

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Round...everything is always round!

Is that a string tied around your finger? Or just an experiment with gangrene?

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I am Mugs, of the Alien clan of Usa, Nordamerica, a Terran, of Sol.

Perception isn't reality. It's merely an abstraction thereof, and quite often not a very good one at that.

I am human. Fully human.

Obviously I am isolating my blood.

Do cats know they have nine lives?

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Round...everything is always round!

How would I know? I've never been a cat.

What's the largest meteor that could hit the earth?

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PW -- Plant Whisperer

On land, elephants are the meatiest, but overall, whales are even meteor.

Should Pluto be a planet?

What, being a pet for the world's most famous mouse isn't enough?

Can "Preparation A" save us from asteroids?

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The ether of general relativity therefore differs from that of classical mechanics or the special theory of relativity respectively, in so far as it is not 'absolute', but is determined in its locally variable properties by ponderable matter.

Albert Einstein, "On the Ether", 1924

That's for teenagers, not rock-stars.

Can a space elevator be built all the way to the moon?

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PW -- Plant Whisperer

Bend over and I'll take some measurements.

Why are STS missions always delayed?

Because STS actually stands for "Shuttles Travel Sporadically"

Why is Earth round?

Who said it was Wrounde? That's a rock group: http://launch.yahoo.com/track/22455672

Don't you know your music?

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I am Mugs, of the Alien clan of Usa, Nordamerica, a Terran, of Sol.

Perception isn't reality. It's merely an abstraction thereof, and quite often not a very good one at that.

I am human. Fully human.

No, but my impresario always has these lyrics print-outs so it's a non-issue.

Is that a telescope in your back yard?

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To the regular visitor of internet bulletin boards it is clear that it's an excellent idea your parents get to choose your real name.

No, I'm just happy to see you.

Is that Mercury up in the sky?

Yeah, probably as high as Don Camillo's opinion of Peppone.

Can I see M31 from my kitchen window?

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Non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem.

And Rome? Da! (Andromeda)

Can you see Uranus with a mirror?

I can see yours if you can see mine.

Is that a shuttle docked to your bike?

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To the regular visitor of internet bulletin boards it is clear that it's an excellent idea your parents get to choose your real name.

My favorite from the book was the "Are you a magician?" bit. To long for here though.

My favorite short one:

Guy walking thru the edge of the surf, coming up the beach. Lady asks "Went for a morning swim heh?"

His snappy answer:

"No, I just strolled over from Europe."

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Don of Borg - Cool, Calm, Collective.

"Within the next generation I believe that the world's leaders will discover that infant conditioning and narco-hypnosis are more efficient, as instruments of government, than clubs and prisons, and that the lust for power can be just as completely satisfied by suggesting people into loving their servitude as by flogging them and kicking them into obedience." -- Aldous Huxley

A neighbor visting our house and seeing all my books asked why I had so many books that said Einstein?

I study the history of relativity, I responded.

He then asked: Well.. how far back does your family tree go?