I am quite sure that the following is not true but I cannot resist sharing it here.

Enjoy

===============================================
<SNIP:The person who forwarded it to me>

RIO TINTO MINING STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

RE: STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees

RE: The F****** Holiday Party


Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
To: All Employees

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

--------------------------------------



This email (including all attachments) is the sole property of Rio Tinto Limited and may be confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you must not use or forward the information contained in it. This message may not be reproduced or otherwise republished without the written consent of the sender. If you have received this message in error, please delete the e-mail and notify the sender.

__________________
We all know those Venusians: Doing their hair in shock waves, smoking electrical coronas, wearing Van Allen belts and resting their tiny elbows on a Geiger counter...

John Sladek, The New Apocrypha, pg 34.

Unfortunately its all too true.

__________________
At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

I always wondered what that noise I heard was when I chopped carrots :wink:

__________________
We all know those Venusians: Doing their hair in shock waves, smoking electrical coronas, wearing Van Allen belts and resting their tiny elbows on a Geiger counter...

John Sladek, The New Apocrypha, pg 34.

This is why I celebrate nothing! I hate the confusion.

Please feel free to enjoy my signature!

Hey, I'll celebrate anything with anybody! A free meal is a free meal!

__________________
Any day you wake up on "the right side of the dirt" is a good day.

T. Anderson

I usually make an effort to not be PC (not to be confused with being not PC). I'm unappologetic about the fact that I eat meat, and have little but disdain for people who feel the need to lecture me about that choice. Though, admittedly, I do make unasked for (and unacknowledged) concessions for this cute vegetarian girl I know .

I also celebrate Christmas. But, not being Christian, that's more of a social holiday than a religious one.

So, someone throw the turkey in the oven. I'll be over to celebrate ASAP! Do you prefer red wine or white?

__________________
"I'm making wheatloaf. It's like meatloaf, only with wheat"
"Isn't that just...bread?"

TRUE STORY

I asked my Jewish friend if we could celebrate Hanukkah, instead of eight small presents, if he would send me one big present.

He laughed with me.

He then sent me a VCR! (This was before DVD’s). 8)

Since 'holiday' comes from the Old English meaning 'holy day', I protest this intrusion of the church into my state function. Or something.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

__________________
The Devil offered me power. I told him I preferred aperture.

#-o

And an emotional-state-of-your-choosing time-period-with-some-special-significance to you too.

__________________
At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

Noooo! Too much PC. Make head hurt, feel mentally diminished, feel like make ](*,)

__________________
We all know those Venusians: Doing their hair in shock waves, smoking electrical coronas, wearing Van Allen belts and resting their tiny elbows on a Geiger counter...

John Sladek, The New Apocrypha, pg 34.

Just proves that businesses should stick to business, schools should stick to education, churches should stick to religion, and musca domestica should stick to flypaper.

__________________
A person's name, or a mark representing it, as signed personally or by deputy, as in subscribing a letter or other document.

Both, please! Do you think you will fit in my oven, though?

Well yes ha ha ha at all that crazy political correctness, but why would you delibrately hold an event at a place where some of your employees couldn't eat (i.e. the Muslim and vegatarian employees)? Would it really have hurt them to be a little more sensative in the timing of the party/it's location?

__________________
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

Someone I met once tried to lecture me on a vegan lifestyle. I replied by pointing out that all humans have a set of teeth called the canines which are expressely for tearing meat. I pointed out that since humans have these meat eating teeth, then part of our diet should be meat. She didn't have anything to say back, much to my amusement.

Kizarvexis

__________________
"We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." - James D. Nicoll

Oh I understand now....

__________________
Bonus Agricola .

When you look at our simian relatives you see that canines are mainly used for biting and threatening other monkeys or apes. Check out the huge canines on mostly vegetarian chimpanzees.

http://images.jupiterimages.com/comm...9/22564998.jpg

Ron, chimps eat meat whenever they can get it. It just doesn't like to be got.

__________________
"The beauty of that discussion of averages is that you don't have to be an expert in Apollo or in photography in order to see where this time study "analysis" breaks down. You just have to be, well...not an idiot." -JayUtah

Same with Pandas. They only eat bamboo as a comfort/survival food.

__________________
"The beauty of that discussion of averages is that you don't have to be an expert in Apollo or in photography in order to see where this time study "analysis" breaks down. You just have to be, well...not an idiot." -JayUtah

Not only that, but they actively hunt and kill for food!

__________________
Any day you wake up on "the right side of the dirt" is a good day.

T. Anderson

You know, all this hassle could probably be done away with by simply making the holiday party a potluck. That way, the vegans, diabetics, etc. could all have something to eat. The problems with the AA could be solved by simply not serving alcohol at the main party.

Also, if Ramadan is happening at the same time, it would be a very good idea to hold your Holiday Party in the evening, when there are no religious compunctions against eating.

Holiday party decorations should involve symbols of all three major winter holidays - a menorah, dreidels, and a kinara as well as a Christmas tree and Santa Claus. As for music, hiring a DJ is probably a good idea.

Follow these handy instructions and you can avoid having a crisis like the one in the OP.

- Maha "the hlidays ought to be happy" Vailo

__________________
When you get down to it, Science answers how. Religion answers why. - hippietrekx