For the CLOWNS of the forum

[suntrack2]

steve really interesting, i could not stop my laugh( :D )

sunil

[Cambo]

Steve, that stuff you're on... can I have some!

[wstevenbrown]

It's just insomnia. I can't claim credit for that one, tho-- my ex-wife found it on a bulletin board at Tufts Univ., X years ago. :P S

[imported_Ziggy]

Picard:
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi:
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key....
a logo appears on the computer screen.



Riker [puzzled]
What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain]
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard:
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data:
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard:
Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data:
Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi:
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard:
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data:
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker:
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited]
Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard:
Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays]
Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard:
Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker:
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi:
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard:
How much time will that buy us?

Data:
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi:
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard:
Identify.

Data:
It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers]
This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft Flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Data:
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard:
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker:
My God, Captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data:
I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]
Lawyers!!

Geordi:
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data:
True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker:
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data:
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker:
They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard:
Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

[imported_Ziggy]

Your starship Captain might just be a redneck if...

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
He refers to Klingons as "Critters"
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He paints the starship John Deere green
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
he sets phaser to "Cajun"

[imported_Ziggy]

Picard:

Sigma Indri, that's the star.
So, Data, how far? How far?

Data:

Our ship can get there very fast,
but still the trip will last and last.
We'll have two days till we arrive,
but can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:

LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge:

But sir, the engines are offline!

Picard:

Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make is so, please make it so!

Riker:

But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
we can't, we mustn't, and we shan't.
The danger here is far to great.

Picard:

But surely we must not be late!

Troi:

I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer:

Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard:

The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker:

Not me.

Worf:

Not me.

Picard:

Computer, how long till we die?

Computer:

Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data:

May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
extinguishers from tractor beams,
and stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi:

Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, hurray! Hurray!

Picard:

Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi:

We still must save the Indran planet-

Data:

Which, by the way, is made of granite...

Picard:

Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand-we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, please make it so.

Geordi:

There's sabotage among the wires,
and that's what started all the fires.

Riker:

We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi:

We must seek out the traitor spy,
and lock him up, and ask him why?

Worf:

Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi:

Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
that we haven't heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher:

Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, Help us, clothe us, feed us!
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor must attempt-must try!

Picard:

Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher:

They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*Commercial break, commercial break.
How long will these dumb ads take?*

Worf:

The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun-
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall.
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form,
all soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard:

Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf:

I did and then I beat him fairly,
hit him on the jaw-quite squarely.

Riker:

My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end.

Crusher:

Now let's get our ship to fly,
and orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard:

LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi:

Yes, sir, we can.

Picard:

Then make it so!

[isferno]

I give in
I give in!
I give in!!!!!!!!

Don't bore me no more with microsoft's star trek enhancements.

[j0seph]

I thought it was kinda funny, seeing as how I recently dumped windows for linux

[rahuldandekar]

I dunno about this, Cambo. This could hurt some members, if it is not taken as a joke. And religion is not allowed on UT anyway. I've posted it here, forgive me . It's funny , though.

[piersdad]

Jack Woolams, the Bell test pilot, was assigned to Muroc to flight test the P-59.9 (A jet)
Some P-38 pilots were also stationed at Muroc at the other end of the field. They were quite curious about the secret project and the civvie pilots.
Contrary to regulations, pilots talk, especially to other pilots, especially at bars, and soon the Bell pilots knocking back a few at a Rosamond watering hole were boasting that they were testing an airplane that could fly without a propeller. The army flyboys maintained that such a thing was impossible and that the Bell pilots were a bunch of liars.

Jack Woolams made a trip into Hollywood, visited a costume supply house and rented a gorilla suit. one day he took off in the P-59 dressed in his gorilla suit and sought out a lone P-38. He pulled alongside the P-38 and waved. So the army pilot saw not only an airplane without a propeller flying along just as nice as you please, but also one being flown by a gorilla!

That evening at the Rosamond watering hole, Woolams asked the gathered army pilots if they'd heard that a gorilla had escaped from a nearby traveling circus and was seen near Muroc.
A couple of the army pilots looked at each other, but all denied knowing anything about a gorilla. And they also stopped
calling the civilian pilots liars.As Woolams said,

"Fun is always better than a fight

[Cambo]

Sorry about that bossman!
Just shows that a good joke goes round and round!

[tyrie2001]

Here's something I found on another website , Injoy

Laser Printer Sucks Up Cat.

Date: Mon, 30 Nov 92 12:51:19 PST
From: 0028017@msgate.emis.hac.com (Douglas M. Kavner)
Subject: Laser Printer Sucks up Cat

Danger from personal computers? Most people think of electromagnetic fields or getting zapped while monkeying around inside the box. Nothing immediately threatening could happen while just printing a spreadsheet. Right?
That's what I thought until last week when my wife was severely bitten by our kitten as it was hanging in mid-air by the tip of its tail. It all started so innocently. Our 8-month-old kitten likes to lie on top of our Apple Personal LaserWriter LS. We have tried to get him off, but he keeps getting back up on it. He must like the hum. My wife was printing a few pages in the background. While she was talking on the phone, there suddenly was a shriek from the kitten. The printer was only about 2 feet away from her, luckily turned the opposite direction. The kitten was sprawled stiff on top of the printer, like he had been stuffed. We just had him declawed, but his teeth were grabbing at anything in sight, including my wife's arm as she tried to turn off the printer. The party on the other end of the phone thought that both the kitten and my wife were being murdered.
After a few deep bites, the printer was off, but the tail was still stuck in the top roller that ejects the paper from the printer. Apparently, the hair on the tip of his tail had gotten inside the roller and was sucked in as the paper was being fed out. While my wife was getting a towel to prevent further injury, the kitten jumped off the side of the printer. The top of the desk is slightly waxed and the printer nearly slid off. It would have landed on top of him. Can you imagine how hard it is to figure out how to open a printer under these conditions? Before she got the towel around him, the kitten took a few more deep bites out of my wife's leg through her jeans! After what must have seemed like an eternity, my wife got the printer open and freed the kitten.
A $27 trip to the vet informed us that we had a real lucky kitten. If he had been a little older and heavier, the tail would have separated and required amputation. If he still had claws, my wife would have had to have been stitched back together. What if it had been a child's long hair?
So Apple, how about a Kitty Guard? Unfortunately, Cats don't read the generic warnings that came with the printer. I really like the quality and value of the printer. How much extra would I pay for more safety? At least $27. I knew I was cutting corners when I bought the printer since it did not include PostScript, but I really didn't expect this.
Several other companies also use the same type of printer case. They all have a max speed of 4 pages/minute and a cut-out in the top for the paper to reverse stack or innocent kitties to take a nap. Some have different paper feed mechanisms, so the eject roller may also vary.
In case you were wondering, the kitten has been avoiding the printer the last few days, but was seen standing on it once while it was off.

[tyrie2001]

18 Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight.

Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"

Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.

Call the stewardess "nurse".

Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."

Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."

Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.

Continually offer to share your "Beano".

Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.

Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.

Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.

Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".

Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.

Bring a cellular phone. Call God and Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."

Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.

Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."

Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

[Janice]

Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.

If you actually are from australia does it still work or do you have to pick another country? :huh:

[damienpaul]

have to pick another country....

[tyrie2001]

43 Metaphors For Stupidity

1.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2.A few clowns short of a circus.

3.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

4.The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

5.All foam, no beer.

6.Has an IQ of 2 but... it takes 3 to grunt.

7.Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

8.Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

9.As smart as bait.

10.Chimney's clogged.

11.Sharp as a bag of wet mice.

12.Her sewing machine's out of thread.

13.His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

14.If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

15.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

16.Receiver is off the hook.

17.Skylight leaks a little.

18.Too much yardage between the goal posts.

19.In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.

20.He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

21.His elevator doesn't stop at every floor.

22.He's not wrapped too tight.

23.He's a few beers short of a six pack.

24.The lights are on but nobody's home.

25.She's a few French fries short of a happy meal.

26.He's a few singers short of a barbershop quartet.

27.One of the few people around who failed his IQ test.

28.Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

29.A room temperature IQ.

30.Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

31.A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

32.A prime candidate for natural deselection.

33.Bright as Alaska in December.

34.During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

35.Fell out of the family tree.

36.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

37.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

38.He's so dense, light bends around him.

39.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

40.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

41.It's hard to believe that he beat 10,000,000 other sperm.

42.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

43.Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

N.B Alas I can take no credit for most of these jokes/ lists I got most of them from other websites ie.- http://www.kaitaia.com/funny/

[tyrie2001]

Great Moments in Physics

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but didn’t show that the student understood the principles of physics so it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

[piersdad]

best chuckle in days.

Lateral thinking is a rarety in our teaching today.

[Spacemad]

It's good for a little diversion for a couple of minutes but I had read it before - though I don't remember where.

[rahuldandekar]

Here are a few I picked up from the web:

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."

Mrs. Schroedinger to Mr. Schroedinger: What ll did you do to the cat?
It looks half dead!

I do not know what is wrong with Heisenberg. He seems so sure of himself
lately.

Wanted, dead or alive : Schroedinger's cat.

Wanted, dead AND alive, Schrödinger's Cat.

Why did Schrodinger sign his name this way?

..
o
r d
h i
c n
S g
e
r


Because the dots over the "o" are actually a lone pair!

Q: How many physicists* does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is a perfect sphere, one. The solution for a
light bulb of arbitrary shape is left as an exercise to the reader.

When Newton had thought out "The Theory of Relativity with Quantum
Mechanics", he got an apple on his head and had to start from the
beginning.

Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!

A Photograph (Heisenbeirg's the funniest) :



From left to right:
[first row] (1) I. Langmuir, (2) M. Planck, (3) M. Curie, (4) H.A. Lorentz, (5) A. Einstein, (6) P. Langevin, (7) C.E. Guye, (8) C.T.R. Wilson, (9) O.W. Richardson

[second row] (1) P. Debye, (2) M. Knudsen, (3) W.L. Bragg, (4) H.A. Kramers, (5) P.A.M. Dirac, (6) A.H. Compton, (7) L.V. de Broglie, (8) M. Born, (9) N. Bohr

[third row] (1) A. Piccard, (2) E. Henriot, (3) P. Ehrenfest, (4) E. Herzen, (5) Th. de Donder, (6) E. Schroedinger, (7) E. Verschaffelt, (8) W. Pauli, (9) W. Heisenberg, (10) R.H. Fowler, (11) L. Brillouin.



There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick
on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His
wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came
home so late.

His story:

"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to
the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking
young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept
happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late
it was, so I rushed home."

She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

[tyrie2001]

30 Ways To Annoy Other Drivers.

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, **** out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray to roadkill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

[tyrie2001]

Here's a little something for anybody whos ever used Windows.

Windows Error Messages.


Winerr 001 : Windows loaded - System in danger
Winerr 002 : No error - yet
Winerr 003 : Dynaimc Linking Error - Your mistake is now in every file
Winerr 004 : Erroneous Error - Nothing is wrong
Winerr 005 : Multitasking Attempted - System confused
Winerr 006 : Malicious Error - Desqview found on drive
Winerr 007 : System Price Error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
Winerr 008 : Broken Window - Watch out for glass fragments
Winerr 009 : Horrible Bug Encountered - God knows what has happened
Winerr 00A : Promotional Literature Overflow - Mailbox full
Winerr 00B : Inadequate Disk Space - Free at least 50MB
Winerr 00C : Window Closed - Do not look outside!
Winerr 00D : Window Open - Do not look inside!
Winerr 00E : Unexplained Error - Please tell us how this happened
Winerr 00F : Reserved For Future Mistakes By Our Developers
Winerr 010 : Unexpected Error - Huh?
Winerr 011 : Keyboard Locked - Try anything you can think of...
Winerr 012 : Illegal Error - You are not allowed to get this error, next time you will be penalised!
Winerr 013 : System Crash - We are unable to figure out our own code!
Winerr 014 : Timing Error - Please wait, and wait, and wait, and wait...
Winerr 042 : Error : Virus requires Windows 3.11 or later
Winerr 079 : Mouse Error : Mouse driver not installed, please click cancel to continue
Winerr 678 : This will end your Windows session, do you wish to play another game?
Winerr 683 : Timeout Error - Operator fell asleep waiting for system to boot into Windows
Winerr 815 : Insufficient Memory - Only 50,472,563 bytes available

[tyrie2001]

The following is something I got from a site that was recommended on the Universe Today Google Group.

From: ken#NoSpam.capitalnet.com (Ken)

BUTTERED BREAD ON THE BACK OF A CAT: WHAT FALLS FIRST.

Daniel D. Van Hoy wrote:
>Just think: When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright.
>Also think: When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with
>the buttered side down
>Now think: If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back
>of a cat, which would land first.


First the source of the forces must be understood. The force acting on the
bread is not the butter, as some may think. Without the bread, butter
wouldn't land bread side up, and therefore the force could not possibly be
in the butter. We know the force is not the bread because it has been
experimentally proven that bread does not land any particular side down
without butter. The bread/butter force is caused by the fusing of bread and
butter particles together. This fusion causes energy to be released in the
form of shifting gravity and anti-gravity energy to opposite sides of the
bread/butter continuum. The gravity energy naturally shifts to the butter
since it is denser then the bread, while the anti-gravity energy shifts to
the bread side.

The energy in a cat for landing on its feet comes from the feet themselves.
This has been proven experimentally. Cats without feet have a near zero
success rate of landing on their feet. We will call this energy cat foot
energy.

Considering the equal but opposing bread/butter and cat foot forces one
would expect the cat to spin violently about its axis. However the strength
of these forces must be considered. A regular cat is not structurally
stable enough to withstand the torque the spinning causes. I should not
have to describe the way the cat's limbs give way, the way the legs wrench
around until the feet are on the same side of the cat as the butter. And
thus the cat can then land on its feet, butter side down.

We are now researching the possibility of using structurally reinforced
cats for levitation systems, but so far the cost is too high to be
practical. Several attempts at producing economically viable systems were
made by separating the feet so that the instability of the cat would not be
a factor. At first there was dificulty because there was no cat to tie the
bread to. Later it was discovered that when not attached to a cat the feet
lost their cat foot force over time. It is hypothesized that the feet need
to be living to exert the cat foot force, and so far no practical method
has been found for keeping the feet alive other than a cat.

Attempts are also being made to breed flat cats with no legs (only feet).

There are many other problems related with this method of levitation as you
may well imagine, but they are beyond the scope of this discussion.

Harold G Sputsberry PHD
Institute for Alternative Energy Research

Just in case your interested the link for the site is bellow

Science Jokes.

[Spacemad]

Those "scientific" jokes are the best!

[tyrie2001]

I got from a site recommended on the UT google group, heres the other sites that were recommeded.

http://www.physlink.com/Fun/Index.cfm
http://www.apn.gr/world/odp.php?browse=/Re...Science/Physics
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

[tyrie2001]

This is kind of a long one which I've found, well very long, but bear with me.

Star Trek Meets the Road Runner

...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would be worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty.

Supplemental-1: Ens. Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplemental-2: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sick bay, leaving me in command of the research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.3: The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation.

Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. This dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel along a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyse it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental: The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.8: Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."

Captain's Log, Stardate 54343.4: In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has jury-rigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental: Mr. Sulu reports high-energy tricorder reading from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyse the creatures movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54344.7: Mr. Sulu has located a cache of Acme dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe
shortly.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54344.9: Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54345.1: Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a thereagram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sick bay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature at its own high speed terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental: The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured does of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandable flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54345.2: I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental: This is a warning to all other Starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the Acme crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplex. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space,
where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, Singing Off.

So, you like? This joke was also posted on the UT Google Group, as well as another one which I haven't posted here... yet. If you want to see it then check out the below link, you'll have to join to view the posts though.

http://groups-beta.google.com/group/universetoday

[tyrie2001]

Hello? :unsure: Is there anyone else here, or I'm I the only one replying to this topic now?

[tyrie2001]

By the way if anyones interested here's the other joke I posted on the UT Google group.

Dictionary Of Useful Research Phrases.

"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original references

"A definite trend is evident..."
These data are practically meaningless

"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
Interesting to me

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
The results of the others didn't make any sense

"Typical results are shown..."
The best results are shown

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this if I'm pushed

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
He was my graduate assistant

"It is believed that..."
I think

"It is generally believed that..."
A couple of other guys think so, too

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs..."
I don't understand it

"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
Wrong

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field..."
This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic

"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer

[piersdad]

heres a true one

last night i was bitten by a flea and i was sure it was in the passage way of the house.
so at early hours of morning i grabbed the fly spray and gave the passage way a good spray all over the floor to get the remaining fleas.

in the morning i went to use the fly spray again and OMG
It was not fly spray it was Mr Muscle oven cleaner.

I have this vision of a very musclular flea jumping up and grabbing me.

[Jakenorrish]

"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer

Really good that one!