For the CLOWNS of the forum

[teri tait]

Originally Posted by LurchGS

I still wonder - why do elevators have 'stop' buttons?

So you can test the door and make sure they still open...

[kyssa]

A lot of people get the blues during the holidays. Many don't really qualify for a genuine case of "The Blues".

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
the why/wherefore, here are some very fundamental rules.

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that sort of rhymes: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound..."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You' stuck in a ditch, you' stuck
in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression. Chi! cago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still
the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any
place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not
the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white
people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity - (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit - (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President - (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)

For example:
a. Blind Lime Jefferson,
b. Jakeleg Lemon Johnson,
c. Scoliosis ("Scolie") Tomato Truman

21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues.

[teri tait]

OK, lets see how this one flavours:

Vertically-challenged Pomegranete Hoover..

(I know, I know, don't quit my day job)

[teri tait]

Ever hear "Loose Shoes" (from the movie, titled as) now there's a funny blue song, hears a taste:

"...All I need is...tight [kitty], loose shoes, and a warm place to [bowel movement]..."

[mugaliens]

She talked down, no how.

A low, a real low-brow.

It didn't mean, I mean it didn't seem to me

To be my kind of woman.

I should have known

Oh, I should have known, no how.

[LurchGS]

A million points to Kyssa... that was *good*.

You can sit next to Collin Mockery!

[Enzp]

Credit to MArtin Mull, at least in paraphrase:

A lot of blues comes from the delta regions. But not all deltas are way down south. Up here in Cleveland we have the delta where the Cuyahoga river empties into Lake Erie. And we sing our own Delta BLues

When I woke up this afternoon,
Both cars were gone.
I felt so mean and low inside
I threw my drink across the lawn.

(and much more I can't recall, including the never equalled slide solo on the uke)

[peteshimmon]

Lets bump this useful thread. It might be better
than threads about wiping your....you know
Heard this before? Three defence company
executives were watching a missile test when it
had a snafu and came at them. They ended up on
the escalator to the next World. They had their
cheque books stubs ready to show at the Purly
Gates, lots of charity donations etc. But the
destination turned out to be a very smokey
place full of fires. And coming towards them
with three shovels was a large black ceature
with strange pointy things on his person.
Naturally they squealed about a mistake, so
much so that the thing fell back a bit. But it
recovered and explained he was only appointed
to this job and could not change things. They
were appalled that they had to deal with a
jobsworth, that was not what they were used
to. The creature then said that if the three
before him had not come it would have been
three others... but it was you three. Strangely
similar to justifications for arms manufacture
and trading! Now GET SHOVELLING it said.

[Maksutov]

Originally Posted by kyssa

[edit]
10. Good places for the Blues:

Route 61...