For the CLOWNS of the forum

[DippyHippy]

Someone just told me a cracker...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide. The librarian laughs and says "Sod off! You won't bring it back!!"

[Tom2Mars]

Seeing the pictures Kashi took on his trip in the "rogues gallery" made me think of "turning Japanese" so here is a little:

Bush Haiku

This is a short poem made up entirely of actual
quotations from George W. Bush. These have been
arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington
Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful
Haiku poem like this is too good not to share.


MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

[Spacemad]

Originally posted by Chook@Mar 25 2004, 03:31 AM
10 minutes later - still laughing hysterically.  The Cat got Algenon the Mouse.

Sorry Algenon I shouldn´t laugh at your "misfortune" / "mishap" but it really gave me a tremendous laugh - I was spluttering for several minutes as I imagined the scene! It was very brave of you to share such an "experience" on this forum! Hope you´re fully recoved by now!

[jimmy]

Weasel, what is Haiku?

[Weaselbunny]

Weasel, what is Haiku?

Japanese poem, seventeen syllables long.

This one is a mickey take from a forward I got 'If your computer delivered error message in Haiku'

Wind catches lily
Scatt'ring petals to the wind
Segmentation fault

And another...

First snow, then silence
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully

Maybe it's just me, but I find that quite hilarious. Please tell me I'm not alone

[jimmy]

I really like the second one.

[Weaselbunny]

Oh thank God... then I'm not a freak of nature... or maybe we both are... oh dear

[jimmy]

I've been in the UT forum for a while now and I KNOW we're not alone in freakness!

[Weaselbunny]

Freaks of the world UNITE! (or drink another cherry coke)

[DippyHippy]

Weasel, sometime over the past 6 years I had that email forwarded to me too (along with all the "if you forward this one, Microsoft will pay you $10 because they're testing a new email system" *splutter*)

I thought the Haiku error messages were hilarious... would love to see those again if you have more...

[jimmy]

Well. Chook, I am pretty sharp, I must say (psssssst....). I'm trying not to laugh! :unsure:

[jimmy]

Good one, I wish I could remember jokes!
Well, there's this one: I was at a restaurant and I saw this elderly couple sit at the booth across from me. I watched as the weighter brought their order. It was one hamburger, one order of fries, and one coke, with two cups.
I watched as they carefully cut the burger in half, then split the fries one by one till they were exactly even. They poured the coke exactly even in the cups.
Feeling a bit uneasy at their obvious poverty, I watched even more closely as the gentleman started eating while his wife quietly watched with folded hands.
My heart was really troubled at this scene and I couldn't help but approach them and ask if I could please buy them an extra meal, as they were needy and I had abundance.
The old lady proceeded to tell me that they were fine and they had been married for 58 years and they shared everything.
I asked why then was she not eating; (my assumption was that she was waiting to see if he would fill up on his share). Seeing my confusion, she said, " Oh No, sonny, it's just his turn to use the teeth first."

[Dan Luna]

One of our IT trade mags, "Computing" ran a computer haiku competition over a few months back in 1998. There were some really excellent ones, so I've just had a look through their search facility and found examples on these pages:

http://www.computing.co.uk/Analysis/51580

http://www.computing.co.uk/Analysis/51988

http://www.computing.co.uk/Analysis/52611

[DippyHippy]

Dan, thanks for those... I might Google up some more later, if I have time... I particularly liked

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

LOL

Chook, it's hard to explain the appeal of Haiku Windows error messages... suffice it to say there's something deeply ironic and sarcastic (two of my favourite traits) about them LOL

[Weaselbunny]

ROTFLMTO

Two cracking posts in a row.

Love this[/QUOTE]flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle[QUOTE]

Did anyone ever come accross 'Meanie Beanies'. I saw one once, very funny, a beanie cat with a tyre mark and flat strip accross its middle.

I do not advocate cruelty to animals, especially cats or Weaselbunnies :P

[Weaselbunny]

As some of you may know, I'm originally from a town called Hull in East Yorkshire. I believe that the Hull accent is the laziest in the world. Wanna try a Hull acent, just move your mouth as little as possible.

Prern Cocktail - Popular starter
Turd in the erl - Popular main course (Toad in the hole, Yorkshire Pudding with sausages baked into it)
Err nerrr - oh no
The Perp - leader of the Catholic faith
err nerr, it's fahve t nahn - I'm due at work in five minutes
Kerkeh kerleh - popular soft drink
Ol-rye-ut, ol-rye-ut - calm down, I get the point (alright, alright)
Herr herr herr - Proclaimed by a jolly old man in a red suit around Christmas time, often found lingering in shopping centres with a small contingent of dwarfs!

Needless to say, the Hull accent gets a bit of ribbing, fortunately I have not been aflicted with a strong dose of it!

[damienpaul]

There is a whole lot of incoherent garble that comes out of the mouths of folks here in Alice Springs

e.g.

Whadyathunkyadoin'gitoffovityastipidfool

Translates to: please stop acting like a drunken fool, you inebriated fellow

Didyabringtagrogalong

Translates to: di you get the supplies?

Cuseme, yagotchinychange?

Translate: do you have any spare change


Damien

[damienpaul]

ROFLMAO

they are awesome!!!! and all strangely true

[Weaselbunny]

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?! )

Yes... and it hurts!

[damienpaul]

that sounds like Bojangles saloon and restaurant here in Alice Springs:
http://www.boslivesaloon.com.au/welcome/default.htm

[damienpaul]

ROTFLMAO oh my gosh, they are gonna give me nightmares for weeks!!!!

[damienpaul]

Hey Chook, they remind me of a typical day!

[damienpaul]

Originally posted by Chook@Apr 24 2004, 07:43 AM
- sounds like something Damo would do. Loved it!

precisely, and I would have LOVED it!!!

Its like Chook and Weaselbunny are cataloguing a typical day for me!!

[RalfRotten]

Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven

God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Mick first, he asks "What do you believe?"

Mick looks God in the eye, and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what

you believe in."

God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left.

He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?"

Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe in courage, honour, and passion - the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!" God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Nathan the

seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Eddie. "And you, Mr Maguire. What do you believe?

"I believe", says Eddie, "that you are in my seat".


for the benefit of non-australians, the first 2 are sportsman, the third is an over exposed TV commentator (see smart arse)(***) if your a yank

[Weaselbunny]

Along the heaven theme.

3 blokes standing in the queue at the pearly gates. The first is called forth. St Peter says to him, "You've been a good man, we'll allow you in, but because you cheated on your missus, I'm afraid you only qualify for moped, this will be your transport around heaven."

The next bloke is called up, St Peter says' You also have been a good man, you've lived a good life, but your small number of infidelities means you'll get a family salon as your transport around heaven.'

The last bloke comes up... 'You've led an amazingly good life, you have treat you wife with love and respect and remained utterly faithful. Here's the keys to your new Rolls Royce."

A few weeks later, the first bloke is riding around on his moped when he sees the Rolls Royce driver sitting on the kerb, sobbing uncontrollably. He pulls up alongside him. "Alright mate?" He says. "What's up, you're in heaven, you're in paradise, you got one of the tidiest sets of wheels up here, what could you possibly have to be upset about?"

The man wipes his eyes and sniffs, "I've just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!"

[jimmy]

I live very near a town called Cut Off. Now, what's been cut off I don't know because the town existed before Loreina Bobbitt.

[Weaselbunny]

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when Paddy falls down an open manhole.

Battered and bruised he getts to his feet and shouts "Oi Murphy, would ye chuck us a loyte, it dark doyn here!"

So Murphy throws a match down to him. After a period of frantic scrtching noises Paddy shouts up "Oi Murphy, dis match is a dud"

To which Murphy replies "Well dat's funny, cos it worked when I used it!


Q How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A Knock on the window!

Q How do you confuse an Irish Man
A Give him a spade and a shovel and tell him to take his pick.

Q How do you confuse an Irish Man (version 2)
A Stand him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner!

[DippyHippy]

LOL Some cracking jokes...

Weasel, you forgot to mention Little Snoring, as featured in the newspaper TV ad... that's an actual village.

Speaking of TV, the show I was in was broadcast yesterday. The programme was fine, but watching myself on the telly made me cringe *ouch*

[String Fan]

What's an undertaker's magic word?

Abracadaver

[DippyHippy]

LOL Chook - you know, I heard that exact same joke about 2 years ago but it was the Australian PM the Queen was speaking to, not Tony Blair LOL

(And it was an Aussie who told me it too!!)