For the CLOWNS of the forum

[kashi]

It doesn't work as Tony Blair, because that DOES have a Queen, and the UK is indeed a kingdom.

It would work well for Australia though.

[DippyHippy]

LOL kashi - you're absolutely right because technically England has been each of those... I didn't read the whole joke, just noticed the beginning and the end LOL

It seems to be one of those curiosities of the English language that the word kingdom applies even when we have a Queen on the throne...

[Tom2Mars]

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to

Know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either against us or for us. There is
no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I
am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The
chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the
other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but
I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross
the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens
crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And
when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,
money the government took from you to build a road for
chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your
face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'.
That's what they call it the other side Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side."


DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road,

but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into
question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious
case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook, - and
internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the
chicken

THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

[jimmy]

Funny stuff, Tom2

[isferno]

I haven't read all the jokes already posted, so don't mind if this joke already is told.

As the English tell jokes about the Irish, we Dutch tell them about the Belgians. So following, a Belgium joke.


Two Beligians and a Dutchman were ordered to dig a hole. But as the two Belgiums started digging, the Dutchman started to unpack a chair and a cooler and sat there enjoying the day.
After a while one of the Belgians asked the Dutch: "
"Hey, how come you aren't working?"
"That's because I'm smart"
"How is that?"
"Come on out, and I'll show you"

So both the Belgian and the Dutch went to a brick wall and the Dutch placed his hand upon the wall.
"Hit my hand as hard as you can" he said to the Belgian.
Of coarse, before the punch came, the Dutch removed his hand,
letting the Belgian hit the wall.

"You understand know why you work and I'm not?"
"Yes, I do now. Auch, that hurts"

Back in the pit the other Belgian asked
"And?"
"He showed me, its like this. Hit my hand as hard as you can", he said,
while placing his hand against the side of his face.

[Weaselbunny]

Eeeeeuw! That's kinda grim.

Liked the Belgian one though... and yours dips.

[isferno]

Dippy and Weasel, I doubt the guy had even so much as a smudge on his chin,
But the look on that girl's face must have been priceless

[imported_Ziggy]

I don't mean anything offensive to blond people, but hear I go! A blond lady is driving through the country listening to the radio. On the radio, people are laughing at dumb blond jokes. She shuts the radio off and says: "Man I'm tired of these dumb blond jokes that people say all the time! Not all blond people are like that!" A few minutes later she sees two blond men in a cornfield trying to row a boat. She pulls the car over and stands on the curve and screams to the guys in the boat: "It's people like you who give blond people a bad reputation! If I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and beat you to up!"

[Colleen]

Algenon the Mouse,
Cute joke!

[Tom2Mars]

–From James Carville in Had Enough?: A Handbook for Fighting Back
"You know, back in 2000, a Republican friend of mine warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Al Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true."

[Weaselbunny]

Check this out... I think I ruptured something laughing... I particularly recommend hips...

Bush Aerobics

[galaxygirl]

Here's another one LOL:

United We Dance

[kashi]

That's a really scary looking forum. A great example of why we ban political discussion here!

[jimmy]

That's hilarious zephyr!

[damienpaul]

That is too funny Z

can you imagine stars named in the same way?! :P

[isferno]

There are a lot of towns which name (translated or not) have some unexpected side meaning in a different language.
Another example is the Iraqi town "Kut" which is a Dutch word in the same order of the Australian town.

Though if you really want to dig into this, you should try looking up products which are exported abroad.
In some languages, products do have to change their names to avoid unwanted meanings, even though its a non-existing word, but sounds quite a lot like an other word.
And if it isn't the product name, then its the advetorial for the product where a translation of the well known product "statement" happens to be a negative proverb, or just does not translate well using a dictionary.

[Weaselbunny]

Gotta be the german for grandad. Pron' gross-farter.

[damienpaul]

the question is, who is the most incorrigable of them all...?

[isferno]

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.


Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

[damienpaul]

Great one Chook!!!! ya Peanut Head mate!

I can imagine Damo signing-off on that accident report. Good one!

sooooo true, except i'd probably get a paper cut and impale my left hand (the one without feeling) with the pen, then fall off the chair, whether or not I was sitting on it.

With kind regards

Caveman Damo

[kashi]

Originally posted by isferno@Jun 21 2004, 12:06 AM


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the rope was longer than the distance between the pulley and the ground (which it would have to be), then the barrel would have hit the ground before the man reached the pulley, in which case his ascent would cease, and it would be physically impossible for him to get his fingers stuck in the pulley.

[damienpaul]

sheesh, talk about over analysing!!! its just a funny story....

[isferno]

Originally posted by kashi+Jun 21 2004, 12:47 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (kashi @ Jun 21 2004, 12:47 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-isferno@Jun 21 2004, 12:06 AM


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the rope was longer than the distance between the pulley and the ground (which it would have to be), then the barrel would have hit the ground before the man reached the pulley, in which case his ascent would cease, and it would be physically impossible for him to get his fingers stuck in the pulley. [/b][/quote]
Dear Kashi,

if the barrel is met half way after which you are slowed slightly, there is still halfway to go to gain speed slightly.

[Spacemad]

Thanks, Inferno & Chook for making me laugh so much - I don´t think I have laughed so much in weeks! I really must come back to this thread more often!

I´ve copied the funny story of the bricklayer & I´m going to try & translate it into Spanish - my sister-in-law works for a big construction company in Spain & often sends us emails with stories like that she gets from others!

The next time she sends us one, if I think it´s funny enough, I´ll copy it & try & translate it into English & then post it here!

[kashi]

Originally posted by isferno@Jun 21 2004, 04:52 PM

Dear Kashi,

if the barrel is met half way after which you are slowed slightly, there is still halfway to go to gain speed slightly.

No no, you miss my point entirely. The speed is irrelevent (your statement is correct with regard to speed). If you meet the barrel half way up, it means that the rope is exactly the length between the pulley and the ground. It would however have to be longer than this, otherwise it is physically impossible (the barrel has to be a little bit past the pulley obviously). You would never reach the pulley to get your fingers caught in it because the barrel would hit the ground before you hit the pulley, and your ascent would stop.

[Weaselbunny]

Ok, if we're going to be pedantic, maybe the ground directly below the bucket was three inches lower than the ground the man was standing on, slightly uneven ground is common on a building site I believe... Kashi, I bet you tell kids that Santa isn't real huh?

Chook.... you subversive little bunny you... keep it up! B)

[damienpaul]

Subversive bunnies? i like it...

By the way Santa is real due to time dilation travelling that dang fast

[isferno]

Originally posted by kashi+Jun 21 2004, 08:04 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (kashi @ Jun 21 2004, 08:04 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-isferno@Jun 21 2004, 04:52 PM

Dear Kashi,

if the barrel is met half way after which you are slowed slightly, there is still halfway to go to gain speed slightly.

No no, you miss my point entirely. The speed is irrelevent (your statement is correct with regard to speed). If you meet the barrel half way up, it means that the rope is exactly the length between the pulley and the ground. It would however have to be longer than this, otherwise it is physically impossible (the barrel has to be a little bit past the pulley obviously). You would never reach the pulley to get your fingers caught in it because the barrel would hit the ground before you hit the pulley, and your ascent would stop. [/b][/quote]
I actualy hoped I miss-interpreted your question Kashi,

As you actualy enjoy solving puzzles, I think this one might be a better start and can even be tested with a rope only 6 stories high (plus a bit) where you hold the end of the rope, and a rope of 2*6 stories high (plus a bit) where you also hold the end of the rope, and stand right under the barrel filled with stones.

For safety reasons though, I would advice you to use an empty plastic (paper might do even better) bucket and a safety helmet.

[isferno]

Originally posted by Weaselbunny@Jun 22 2004, 03:34 PM
Ok, if we're going to be pedantic, maybe the ground directly below the bucket was three inches lower than the ground the man was standing on, slightly uneven ground is common on a building site I believe... Kashi, I bet you tell kids that Santa isn't real huh?

Chook.... you subversive little bunny you... keep it up! B)

Hey Bunny,

It has already been eastern, but here is an eastern egg:

Newton formulated that the moments should continue for as long as possible as long as nothing forces to stop it, tis the law! B)

(Or was it momentum? Moments always sounded much better to me )

[Weaselbunny]

OK... getting back to the levity!

Two fish in a tank, one says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

And...

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?... He was found dead under Tesco's!

(Tesco's is a British supermarket chain)