For the CLOWNS of the forum

[Weaselbunny]

Oooo, I think I ruptured something!

The chicken and egg one's the best... yes I do get it and have only just been able to scrape my giggling self off the floor.

[DippyHippy]

LOL Chook... I've heard the duck one before... the old 'uns are always best... loved the cat joke too LOL

[DippyHippy]

LOL Believe it or not, yeah, I have - my mother sent it to me LOL

[Spacemad]

:unsure: Weaselbunny, you'll have to explain that joke - the one about the chicken & the egg in a bed - for the likes of me I don´t understand it at all! :unsure:

[Spacemad]

Question - What would three Aussie's get up to? 

Chook 27 June

Perhaps Damienpaul could give us an original answer for that one - I´m sure he´ll have us all in stitches when he does!!!!!

So what about it, Damien?

[jimmy]

Chook, they'd probably become actors! :P

[isferno]

How about a blond joke:

This blond girl sat next to a top rated first class bussiness man and was ready to take a nap, but the man next to her tried to start a conversation with her.
Soon enough it turned into the typical blond intelegence after which the blond suggested a bet. Who couldn't answer a question is to pay a dollar to the other, after which the bussiness man generously offered to pay a hundred dollar for every question he couldn't answer to make things a bit even.

Of coarse the blond started with her first question:
What is green, has five legs and stands up a hill shouting "whooaa, whooaa"
completely stupified the man answered, I don't know, and he had to pay up a hundred dollars

After a couple of moments silence the man said, so what is that green thing?
After which the blond handed him a dollar and said, "I wouldn't know"

[Weaselbunny]

Ahhh bless ya Chook, obviously you haven't spent much time in pool halls.

Acoustic - a que stick - a pool que

Iraq - I rack - as in I'll set up the balls, you break


Definitions... stop me if you've heard them (although you'll have to shout pretty loud for me to hear you in England!)

Definition of :-

Cheek - Throwing a brick through a window and asking for it back
Ridiculous - Two bald men fighting over a comb


(Kudos on the one ball thing by the way ) Speaking of brothers, mine's been ill, but now we know he's gonna be ok and get better eventually... big international yay for science please guys B)

[isferno]

I haven't got it chook, please explain? (and without subtleties)

[isferno]

(btw)
acoustic = a cue stick
iraq = I rack

[Weaselbunny]

It's funny cos it's true... mostly

And now Tim Henman's out of Wimbledon... Cricket, football... the list goes on an on.

We can invent these games, but can we play them?... can we buggery!

Oh well, if building an empire with the cunning use of flags were a competitive sport, we'd be quids in! :P B)

[DippyHippy]

LOL Chook - I like those!!!

Okay, here's one I just remembered...

A man is on holiday in Ireland when his car starts giving him problems. He manages to make it over a bridge and pulls over to the side of the road, next to a field with two horses in it. One of the horses is grey and wandering around the field, whereas the other one is brown and standing by the fence near the road.

He gets out of the car, pops the bonnet / hood and stands there staring at the engine, totally clueless. All of a sudden, he hears a gruff voice saying "Check the distributor cables!"

He looks around but can't see anyone, except the two horses in the field. The brown horse is still standing by the fence, near the road. Thinking he's hearing things, he returns his attention to the car. Without warning, he hears the voice again, only louder - "Check the distributor cables!!!"

He looks around again but again, he can't see anyone. All he can see are the two horses in their field - the brown horse is still standing by the fence, near the road.

Thinking he's hearing things again, he returns his attention to the car when he hears the voice again, louder and more persistent - "Check the distributor cables!!!!!"

By this time the poor guy is scared witless and just wants to get out of there, so he quickly checks the distributor and finds one of the cables is a little loose. He plugs the cable back in, jumps into his car and quickly starts on his way again with no apparent problems.

After a mile or so, he comes across a village and needing a drink to calm his nerves, he stops at the nearest pub and goes inside. He orders himself a stiff drink. The barman, noticing his customer is a little shaken, asks him what's wrong and the man tells him all about his car breaking down and hearing the voice.

The barman listens and then asks "Was this next to a field with two horses in it?"

The man says it was.

Then the barman asks "Was the brown horse standing next to the fence near the road?"

The man says it was.

Finally, the barman says, thoughtfully, "ah, you're lucky it was the brown horse"

The man, curious, asks him why.

"Because the grey horse knows nothing about cars"

[imported_Ziggy]

These are the top ten bumper stickers for the Starship Enterprise:

10. Our other ship seperates into THREE parts!
9. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
8. HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
7. Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phase rifles do.
6. Zero to Warp 6 in 3 seconds!
5. CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
4. If you can read this...don't you think your a wee-bit too close?
3. Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
2. Weasly on board!
1. We stop for cubes.

!!!!!

[DippyHippy]

Okay, I know this joke is sexist and I apologise but I'm sure the ladies of UT have more than enough men jokes to come back with... :P

What have you done wrong when your wife comes out of the kitchen nagging at you?
Made the chain too long.

[isferno]

don't worry dippyhippy, plenty of jokes lying around to justify yours

A priest is comforting a widow who's husband has just died saying, it always helps to think of his last words.
At which the widow said, sobbing more
his last words were "you couldn't hit a barndoor with that gun"

[imported_Ziggy]

Everyone knows that in Star Trek, Lt. Commander Data has a "positronic brain" which allows him to perform billions of calculations and actions at once. But what if Data were different. What if instead of useing a positronic brain, he used Microsoft Windows 2000? Here's what I think would happen...

Worf: Sir, four Romulan Warbirds declocking dead ahead.

Picard: On screen.

Data: Aye sir.
(The view screens shows a pattern of horizontal lines, each only one pixel wide.)

Picard: What's wrong Data?

Data: Sir, the screen does not have sufficent video memory to display such a large image, may I suggest you select a lower resolution?

Picard: Make it so.
(The screen goes black for a second, then a image appears with big foot wide pixels, in the center are what seem to be four green blobs that could be the warbirds, but look more like the aliens from space invadors.)

Picard: Data, open a hailing frequency to the Romulans.

Data: Aye sir.
(Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, flips it over and puts it on the console in front of him. He punches in some buttoms into the console then sits there totally motionless for several seconds. Suddenly, big blue pixels appear on the screen.)

Worf: Quantum torpedos captain!

Picard: Shields up!

Data: I'm sorry, sir. I am still attempting to complete your last command. Please wait before giving me any further instructions.

Picard: DATA, I WANT THOSE SHIELDS UP NOW!

Data: I'm sorry, sir. I am still attempting to complete your last command. Please wait before giving any further instructions.

LaForge: Allow me captain. (To Data) Control-Alt-Delete, Data.
(Data takes the hourglass off his console and puts it back on the floor.)

Data: The warbirds are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to windows. Pull my left ear to cut-off all comunications channels to the Romulans. All information sent by the Romulans will not be saved.
(Picard pulls Data's left ear.)

Picard: Shields...
(The torpedos hit the Enterprise. There's a huge explosion and violent shaking. Everyone on the bridge falls to the floor or get knocked out of there seats. Sparks fly from Weasly Crusher's console and he hits the floor very hard.)

Picard: Up, Data!

Data: Aye sir.

Worf: Ensign crusher seems to be unconscience.
(Data picks up the hourglass again and puts it on the console. After a few seconds he puts it back down.)

Data: Shields are up!

Picard: Lock all phasers on the lead warbird.

Worf: Aye, sir.

Picard: Data, take ensign Crusher's console and prepare for evasive action.

Data: I'm sorry sir. I do not have the proper device driver to perform that task.

Picard: Then install the drive!

Data: Please insert setup implant #1 into right nostril.

Picard: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

Riker: I gave them to Gordi.

LaForge: (In a suprised voice.) What! I thought you still had them!

Picard: Don't you keep the implants in your internal memory bank?

Data: Not found, sir. Please insert setup implant #1 into my right nostril.

Picard: Data, we don't have setup implant #1!

Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Picard: Abort!

Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Picard: Fail then!

Data: Current nose no longer valid.
(Data walks over to the helm console and punches in some buttoms. The Enterprise lurches to one side and the images on the view screen become highly distorted. Then another violent shake and everything goes dark.)

Picard: What the hell happend?

Riker: Do we have a customer service number for Data?

LaForge: Data, what are you doing?
(No answer. Then the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing right next to the console totally motionless.)

Picard: What happend to Data?

LaForge: Data caused a total systems shut down to the Warp Core.

Picard: Man are those androids cheap and slow.
(Suddenly, six Romulans and one Fenregi transport to the bridge of the Enterprise)

Ferengi: Can I intrest you in a Macintosh, captain?

[DippyHippy]

LOL Please tell me you killed Crusher off :P

[imported_Ziggy]

If you want it that way, sure !

[imported_Ziggy]

Here's some more Star Trek Humour. These are some of the reasons why Captain Janeway is better then Captain Picard...

1. Two words: hair and cheese.
2. Does not let an adolecents pilot the Federation Flagship.
3. Voyager dosn't seperate into two parts when it's in a tight spot.
4. When Janeway lands a starship, she can actually get it back up.
5. Has a hair matrix that would baffle even Princess Leia.
6. Took the words 'boldy go where no man (or women) has gone before" to the extreames.
7. To confort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving, motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't get up in the morning.
8. Janeway's CONNs officer actually went through Starfleet Academy.
9. Janeway dosn't waste her time learing other languages because everyone in the Delta Quadrant speaks perfect English, and for that matter, everyone in the GALAXY!
9. Voyager can fold up it's warp nacelles.
10. Starships destroyed under command, Picard=2, Janeway=0.
11. Enterprise can go Warp 9.2, Voyager goes Warp 9.975!
12. Janeway does NOT have a counseler (thank God!).
13. Janeway does not have to fix her uniform every time she stands up.
14. Picard has a English accent even though he's French.
15. Janeway's tactical officer would NEVER grow a pony-tail.
16. The Intrepid Class Starship that Janeway commands is a newer design then Picard's old Galaxy Class.
17. Voyager is a beutiful stream-lined starship, Enterprise looks like a flying
saucer.
18. Picards says to alien cultures "I hope that one day we will come together for a greater understanding", Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."
19. Openly acknowleges when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of overiding it with "moral issues."
20. Instead of pondering over a difficult dession about a less-advanced alien civilization for days, Janeway uses the Prime Directive to make it easy.

[isferno]

Don't open the above pages if you care to keep your computer virus free

[bossman20081]

And heres some more:
On the way out
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

"Ms. Perkins," said the biology teacher, his eyes pinning the daydreaming student, "would you please tell the class which portion of the human anatomy swells to ten times its normal size during periods of agitation or emotional excitement?"
Blushing, the woman stammered: "Professor, I-I would r-rather n-not answer that q-question."
Arching a brow, the professor asked: "Oh? And why not?"
"W-well, s-sir, that's kind of . . . p-personal.
"
"Not at all," he blustered.
"The correct answer is the pupil of the eye, and your response tells me two things: First, that you didn't read last night's assignment, and second, that marriage is going to leave you a tremendously disappointed young woman."

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
Don’t hate me for these blonde jokes.

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them


A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge


Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Weaselbunny]

Very good Bossman

But I'm sure all you blokes will understand if I hit one back for the ladies!

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
5... one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to accident and emergency

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
A widower!

[bossman20081]

Like I said, dont hate me for the blonde and women jokes! Nice come back Weaselbunny, but how are these?

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof. The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." Poof. The mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." Poof.


I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

[bossman20081]

Sorry the last joke I wrote (the translations) is what a woman means when she says something (ha.. ha..) :P (dont hurt me...)

[Weaselbunny]

Well the blonde jokes don't bother me... I'm a brunette... as for the women jokes, well, they're just bloody funny; and for about 90% of the female population true!

And I'm sure all the other lady UT users fall into that remaining 10%... hey girls!

[DippyHippy]

LOL Bossman - since i'm getting married in about 6 weeks, I've made a note of the "what women mean" remarks LOL

[isferno]

good luck to you Dippy. (And brace yourself )

[Tom2Mars]

Hey Weaselbunny!

I actually popped in to do a light bulb joke. This is reference to suggesting a change from an incandescent energy-wasting, heat-wasting light bulb over to a more efficient Compact Flourescent light bulb.

How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I'm still waiting for them to do it.

[damienpaul]

toooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!

bossman, your two lists remind me of my ex...i can add one from that experience

its an advantage to be male that its not an international crisis when some soppy film gets sold out.

[DippyHippy]

LOL Dammo... while we're on the subject of ex's... and this is something men do too...

Whenever we were going out or were planning a day, I'd ask her what she wanted to do and she'd nearly always say "oh I don't mind" - so in the end, I'd pick something for us to do and she was always quite happy to do that. But then, what did she always say when we rowed?

"We always do what YOU want to do"

*bangs head against wall*

Thank God I'm marrying someone else!!!!