Just had to plagiarise this from another forum:-



Winter Classes for Men at

THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, OCTOBER 28th 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or *****........ (that "bad" word was BEE AYE TEE AYE SEE EYTCH)

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End.

See if this gets by:-

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada, I

had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange,

so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank.



There was an Asian lady in front of me in the line who was trying

to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be a quite irritated.



She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat

dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??'



The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said,

'Fluctuations'.



The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'

Are these two classes being taught under the new "Things Women Don't Need Men To Do For Them, But Can Handle Themselves With Surprisingly Little Training And Practice" program? Y'know, the one with the "How To Lower A Toilet Seat" and "Taking Out The Trash; Smaller Bags Are Lighter" classes?

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

bitich? What's that?

Note that misspelling, starring out letters and so on does not excuse the use of the word you managed to misspell and meas their use is still prohibited by the rules here.
I'll let it stay because you managed to make an inadvertent joke by messing up the spelling.

__________________
"God bless thee, my son; I will give thee the greatest jewel I have ...
"The end of our foundation is the knowledge of causes, and secret motions of things; and the enlarging of the bounds of human empire, to the effecting of all things possible."Trying to make sense of computers, The Error Log.

Well.......it seems there was this young American bird watcher, and after
acquiring a considerable grant from the Audibon Society, took his sabatical
in the Shetland Islands off Scotland. It's a terribly lonely place, you see.
Well...he had been there for three months and hadn't seen a soul, when one day he heard a great rap upon his little viewing hut;whereupon he opened the door, and by George....there were a shetlander ! He was this great bear of a man with a huge red beard and he was wearing the kilt and smiling for the day
as he says " Well, lad, I'd like to invite you to a great party!"
To which the bird watcher says " Gee, I'd love a party. I haven't seen anyone for months!".
" Aye !" says the Shetlander...." Well there'll be plenty to eat and drink to be sure."
"Well , I 'm sick of my own cooking and I never drink alone, so that's great."
" Aye , lad. There'll be plenty of dancing and carrying on ,.... and later,
there's bound to be a fight.....there's always a fight!" He said with a twinkle in his eyes.
" Great," says the birdwatcher. " I used to cut up a rug dancing and in college
I used to fight golden gloves! "

" Aye,....well, ye be all tooled up then . And later on ...there'll be plenty o' great sex!"
" And the birdwatcher says...." Well, things have been pretty dull;
I'm ready for anything.
......Say....how shall I dress for the party? "
" Oh...well just come as ye are,lad. There's only the two of us!"

Graet to have moderators with a sense of humour. Thanks.

There are three men stranded on top of a cliff. A fairy says that if they jump off, they can land in whatever they yell the name out of and still be safe, but each thing can only be said once.
The first guy shouts "Gold!" and jumps off.
The second guy shouts "Diamonds!" and jumps off.
The third guy jumps, then sees how high he's falling from and shouts "Rats!"
The first two guys are millionaires now, and the third guy has rabies from so many rat bites.

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

I would have yelled "pillows."


Never trust a fairy.

If you don't trust the fairy, why jump at all?

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

May have something to do with being stranded.

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those i had killed today because they got on my nerves.
And also , help me to be careful of the toes i step on today as they maybe connected to the feet i may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always give 100% at work...
12% on monday,
23% on tuesday,
40% on wednesday,
20% on thursday
and 5% on friday.
And help me to remember....
When i am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

__________________
Great minds discuss ideas,average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. Admiral Hyman Rickover.USN.

"Make the most of every day like it could be your last and enjoy each others company as this will make good memories for when we pass". chrissy

*A rock is for life not just for throwing*

Ummm
...actually...

Hi Crissy, That was a good one...which I shall propagate in your honour.
Best regards, Dan

There was an umpire in MLB who was disliked by all the players and the managers/coaches. He would make bad, inconsistent calls and quickly eject anyone who complained. He was also disliked by his fellow umpires, since he had given the rest of them a bad name.

His behavior on the field was nothing compared to that at home. He'd beat his wife, spank his son, and kick the dog just out of spite.

One day a member of the officiating team noticed in the Baseball Umpire Daily that it was this particular disliked umpire's 50th birthday. He met with the other two umpires and it was decided that, even though the guy was a real boor, they'd take him out to dinner after the game.

Surprisingly the birthday umpire accepted their offer, and after tossing both managers during the game, he and the other umpires had dinner at a bar & grill noted for its burgers and selection of beers and liquors. As the nasty umpire drank beer after beer, his disposition began to change and eventually he began telling jokes and kidding around. His fellow umps were amazed at the transformation.

After a few hours it was obviously time for the party to end. One of the other umpires provided the guest of honor with a ride home, since he was in no condition to drive.

When he got in the door, his family cringed as usual. But, to their shock, the umpire complimented his wife on her hair and clothes, he gave the dog a good rub and treated him to a burger he had smuggled home, and finally he sat down in his easy chair, called to his son, and told him to sit on his knee while he told him some funny baseball stories.

But the son refused.

Which proves that the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

__________________
A person's name, or a mark representing it, as signed personally or by deputy, as in subscribing a letter or other document.

What goes ha ha ha ha PLUNK!
A robot laughing it's head off!

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Here's the best old joke I've ever seen. Found in a newspaper dated 11 January 1923:

Struck by the notice "Iron Sinks" in a shop window, a wag went inside and said that he was perfectly aware of the fact that "iron sank."

Alive to the occasion, the smart shopkeeper retaliated: "Yes, and time flies, but wine vaults, sulphur springs, jam rolls, grass slopes, music stands, Niagara Falls, moonlight walks, sheep run, Kent hops, and holiday trips; scandal spreads, standard weights, India rubber tyres, the organ stops, the world goes round, trade returns and — "

But the visitor had bolted. After collecting his thoughts, he returned, and, showing his head at the doorway, shouted: "Yes, I agree with all of that perfectly, and marble busts."

two hillbillies are walking along the road and they see a dog licking himself, and one of the hillbillies says, "gee, I wish I could do that"
and the other one says,
"don't be silly man, the dog would bite yer!"