Small world. I got it on the Russian Pravda joke thread. More life there but NOT so polite as here.

http://engforum.pravda.ru/showthread...65#post2375865

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

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"Scientific progress goes 'boink'?"

Why did Willie Nelson cross the road?



To do a duet with a chicken!

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Any day you wake up on "the right side of the dirt" is a good day.

T. Anderson

But the chicken got run over by a car, so it sang "On the road again..."

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"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

Joining in (sorry if you've heard 'em before)...

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but the trick is getting them inside the light bulb...

Am I too blue for you?

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Two elephants fell off a cliff.
Boom! Boom!

(that works better verbally, in fact).

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What's brown and sticky?













A stick!

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What ticks on the wall?
Ticky paper!

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So there was this rabbit, right? And he's a regular at his local pub. Every evening he goes in there, has a pint of bitter and a packet of cheese toasties. Regular as anything. Then one night, he goes in for his pint of bitter and his cheese toasties, and the barman says to him "look, I'm sorry, mate, but I've run out of cheese toasties," so the rabbit is all "oh, what am I going to do?" and the barman says, "well, I've got ham toasties, you could try those," so that's what the rabbit does. He has his pint of bitter and his ham toasties, then off he goes. The barman then doesn't see him for weeks. Then, one night, just around closing time, in walks the ghost of this rabbit. The barman says to him "Blimey, mate, what happened to you?" and the rabbit says "well, I'm dead aren't I?", and the barman says, "well, yeah, but what did you die of?" and the rabbit says, "Mixing ma toasties."

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The quarrelsome oarsmen were rowing,
The great violinist was bowing;
But how is the sage
To tell, from the page:
Was it pigs or seeds that were sowing?

I have no idea.

Is this some UK expression I've never heard?

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

A man came home from work to find his blond wife working at the kitchen table. "What are you doing?", he asked. His wife replied, "I'm trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, but it's really hard. Here, look at the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."

The man shook his head slowly. "Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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"Scientific progress goes 'boink'?"

No.

MYXOMATOSIS a real life WMD:

a disease of rabbits, introduced into Australia & UK to kill off those things. Was pretty sad to see when it was going on -- their glands swelled & they were blind for a few days before dying. Running or crawling around in broad daylight, blind, with the ravens or crows picking at them. That's how it looked in Wales.

Hey, no-one said they had to be good jokes!

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The quarrelsome oarsmen were rowing,
The great violinist was bowing;
But how is the sage
To tell, from the page:
Was it pigs or seeds that were sowing?

Oh, yuck. I liked him better when he was just playing tricks on Superman.

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

OK, what do you call a man with a spade in his head?




Doug.

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What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?






Russell.

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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?









Cliff!

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What do you call a blind stag?









No idea!

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What do you call a blind stag that is lame in all four legs?








Still no idea!

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The quarrelsome oarsmen were rowing,
The great violinist was bowing;
But how is the sage
To tell, from the page:
Was it pigs or seeds that were sowing?

What's black & brown & looks good on a Lawyer?
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a couple of Dobermann Pinschers.

Eh???

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The quarrelsome oarsmen were rowing,
The great violinist was bowing;
But how is the sage
To tell, from the page:
Was it pigs or seeds that were sowing?

A man walks into a bar (no, this is not that joke). He orders a drink and says to the bartender, "Hey do you wanna hear this great blonde joke I heard today?"
The bartender replies: "I'm a blonde, and I have a baseball bat under the bar. See that woman next to you? She's a blonde and is an olympic shot-putter. That woman over by the pool table? She's a blonde and she has a black belt in karate. The woman down by the end of the bar? She's a blonde, and she's a national boxing champion. And that woman just coming back from the ladies' room? She's a blonde, and she's a bodybuilder - she can bench press 200 lbs. Now, are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"
The fellow looks around and says "Hell, no. I don't wanna have to explain it five times!"

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The quarrelsome oarsmen were rowing,
The great violinist was bowing;
But how is the sage
To tell, from the page:
Was it pigs or seeds that were sowing?

Must not be a fan.

Just making a feeble pun on the similarity between Mister Mxyzptlk and the rabbit disease. But if it has to be explained, it's not a joke...

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

I don't like scary campfire stories, so I've perfected this little bugger for when somebody says we should tell them. It's...
The Scariest Story Ever!
Okay, so these two countries fired all of their atomic weapons at each other and all of the people got terrible radiation sickness. Then, the dust filled the atmosphere and blocked out the sun and the plants wouldn't grow and everybody died. The End.
Scary, huh?

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"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Carols for the mentally disturbed

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ............(start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

PSYCHOPATHIC PERSONALITY:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

FRIGID PERSONALITY
Frosty the Snowman

MASOCHIST
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

PARANOID SURVIVALIST
Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Holly

BIGOT
White Christmas

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Reality: What a concept!……………………..><Ç(((Ç°>

In the library, my little brother came up to me and said what sounded like "Where is the restroom?"
So I said "You know where that is!"
And he said "No, I don't."
So, I took his hand and started walking to the restroom. About halfway there, he said
"Where are you taking me?"
"The restroom. That's what you asked for."
"No, I said 'Where are the westerns?'"

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

" My dog has no nose. "

" How does he smell ? "

" Awefull !!! "


Dan