What do you say to Luke Skywalker in a fancy restaurant?

"Use the forks, Luke!"

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

There's a Star Wars homage I'm writing where the hero is a girl named Lana and the Obi-Wan character is a science teacher. In the final battle, he tells her:
"Use the facts, Lana!"

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

A guy walks into a bar and puts a box down in front of the bartender. "What's in there?" the bartender asks.

"It's a little man who can play the piano," the customer replies.

"Yeah, sure. But I'll tell you what. Prove it and your drinks are on the house."

The customer smiles, opens the box, looks inside and says, "Okay, you're on," and a tiny man barely a foot tall jumps out, runs down the bar, leaps onto the piano where he begins to bang out a very presentable version of 'The Entertainer'.

"Be darned," the bartender said, pouring a double. "But where'd you ever get him?"

"Well," the customer replied, "I was on vacation on Ireland, and while walking through the woods came across this very old elf who had been pinned under a fallen branch. I helped him to get free and in return he offered to grant me a wish."

The bartender scratched his head. "An elf gives you a wish and you go for a tiny piano player?"

"Not really," the customer said. "Remember, I said he was very old, and must have been hard of hearing. So after I told him my wish, he gave me a twelve inch pianist."

__________________
The Devil offered me power. I told him I preferred aperture.

Rotflmao !!!!!

A man is drinking in a bar when a monkey steals his drink and runs away.
"Hey, who owns that blasted monkey?" He asks the bartender.
"The piano player." The bartender says.
So he walks over and asks the piano player
"Do you know your monkey took my beer?"
"No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left shoulder and
screams, she then pushes her elbow and screams even more. She pushes
her knee and screams; likewise, she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches herself makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor replies. "Your finger is broken."

__________________
"potential is not accomplisment"

Dog's Diary..../ Cat's Diary ....hmmmm....


A Dog's Diary

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!




8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!




9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!




Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!




2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!




3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!




4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!




6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!




7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!




8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!




9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!




11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!





A Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity.

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.




Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.




In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.




Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.




There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.



Hmmm....one of the visitors brought in this can thing and opened it and put some of it in a dish for me.....just a little...to keep me "Keen as mustard".
I wonder how large a bird this turkey thing is. I could take it I bet.


Typical, they shove the can in the cold box , let it degenerate , and now it taste bad. I hate it. Why didn't they just give me the hole thing at once?
Part of their insidious plot.


I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. He easily capitulates to his captors....the swine!




The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.




It's only a matter of time.
Dan

Seems plausable....

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph...then 110... then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me, trying to renew his license finally got his photo taken.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents
tell you a story with a moral at the end.The next day the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories."Johnny, do you have a story to
share?""Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and
a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn'tbreak
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.She
shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.""Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What
kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?
" Better stay away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the
situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm in real trouble!!!! There is
a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT
in real trouble . Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief
standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds
to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless
body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock
on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ...
NOW you're in real trouble! "

Generic Action Hero and Generic Love Interest are escaping from evil henchmen:
"Well done, Darling! This is going like gangbusters!" Says Love Interest.
They get out of the way just as the big wall of fire comes behind them.
"No, I'd say it's going like MythBusters!"

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Statistics for winter:

" 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH D^%&% !!! "' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

A fellow walks up to his friend at the funeral parlor. "Hey, Bill, I'm sorry about Charlie," he said, pointing to the coffin. "I hear you were with him when he died."

"Yeah," Bill replied."We were on the tenth tee. Charlie hit his drive, and it was a great shot. Then he clutched at his chest and fell down dead."

"Must've been tough."

"I'll say. All afternoon it was hit the ball and drag Charlie, hit the ball and drag Charlie..."

__________________
The Devil offered me power. I told him I preferred aperture.

A man was driving down a country road one day at
45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged
turkey running at the same speed beside his truck.
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed
up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the turkey.

The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but lo and behold,
so did the 3-legged turkey.

The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be
equaled in speed by the 3-legged turkey.

As the man watched in amazement, the turkey suddenly made
a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a
small farm.

The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the
turkey to the small farm, parking out front.

Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the
midst of many 3-legged turkeys.

After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was
raising 3-legged turkeys.

"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average
family of 3 people, only 2 can have a turkey leg with an
average turkey. But with a three legged turkey, each
member of the family can enjoy a turkey leg for of their
own on Thanksgiving."

"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well
how do your 3-legged turkeys taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able
to catch one."

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "

"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... "Get your own darned blanket."

Confucious say...... "Wise man never play leap-frog over unicorn."

A kid is eating a fortune cookie at recess.
The fortune says "Confucius say: 'Duck!'"
The kid looks around and goes "Huh? What?"
A dodgeball hits them in the head.
When they get home, their mum asks
"What did you learn at school today?"
"Listen to Confucius!"

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Survey says.......


WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


Ø What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.





What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head

********************
I remember Art Linkletter who said...."Kids say the darnedest things! "

Made me laugh !
Dan