Here's one from M*A*S*H.

A guy goes to a circus and tells the ring master he wants to join. The ring master asks, 'what can you do?' He says 'watch this' and begins to climb the pole in the middle of the big top.

He gets to the top then dives off. The next thing you know he's soaring every where making circles in the air then finally lands beside the ring master and asks, 'what do you think?' The ring master replies, 'is that all you do? bird imitations?'

Life can be funny if you look for the humor. I was thinking about the wonderful woman that married me just now and thought:

I really doubt her judgment. After all she did marry me. Also she disagrees with me a lot. Is it possible I could be wrong as often as she thinks I am?

But she's soft and sometimes sweet and very beautiful. It's a wonderful life. Happy holidays.

"Okay, here are the disguises the spy most often uses. Memorize these photographs."
"Is that a zebra? Man, this guy must be good."
"Uh, no, sorry. That's from my trip to the zoo yesterday."

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"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Churchill was at a party and a woman approached him saying, 'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!' to which he replied, 'and you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober.'

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

[EDIT: One more - ]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

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- JRR

"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge." - [Daniel Boorstein]

A kid comes rowing down the River Thames in London, in a boat shaped like a Tyranosaurus Rex skull. He moors the boat, stand up, winces in pain and removes something from the back of his leg. Then he walks down the street, passing two police officers. He hands something to one officer.
"He gave me a bloody dinosaur tooth." One officer says.
The other one looks at it and says:
"My gosh, it is bloody!"

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

That's not a joke, it's a true story!

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Any day you wake up on "the right side of the dirt" is a good day.

T. Anderson

Truth is funnier than fiction.

what does fatherchristmas ponder when delivering presents, to children of moonhoax believing parents?

whether they have been noughty or nice.

I once was in Mock Trial Club with a witness who couldn't read my handwriting on his cue cards.
"Officer, did you search the lake for the weapon?"
"No, for that we would have needed a scuba... driver."
(Jury bursts out laughing)
"That's 'diver', officer."

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Sounds like he was 'all wet"

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missiletoe.

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A person's name, or a mark representing it, as signed personally or by deputy, as in subscribing a letter or other document.

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around her.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts!

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

What was the first book ever written about baseball?

The bible. It starts out "In the big inning..."

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

But they are afraid of Chuck Norris, who may be sneaking up on them.

And since Chuck can see in the dark, he's going to find you whether or not you replaced the darned light-bulb, so why bother?

oh no... please don't jump on the norris bandwagon

Another from my favorite stand-up, Mitch Hedburg (RIP)
"So this guy gives me a picture and says, 'here, this is of me when I was younger'.... EVERY picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here, this is a picture of me when I'm older. Dude, where'd you get that camera?!'"
also
"I was walk'n down the street and my friend says, 'Dude, I hear music', as if there's any other way to take it in. I hear music too, that's the sense you use when you want to detect music--you're not special. I tried to taste it once, but it didn't work."

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I'm like one of those idiot savants...well, except for the savant part.

Why does a chicken breast fall from the sky better than a chicken wing?

Because it's a little meatier.

(Say it out loud.)

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"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

Why are you trying to get me to say 'breast' out loud?