This would be my preference as well.

Since this is a joke thread, every so often I slip 19108 into a date field (perhaps in a comment in source code) as a tip of the hat to all the cobol programs that have "19" hardcoded and so counted years as 1998, 1999, 19100, 19101, etc.

(I slay me)

Why did the agnostic cross the road?

We can't know that.

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

I use month/day for everyday things and day/month when I want to be formal.

A magician has a part in his act where he juggles knives. He is traveling to a show with his props in his trunk when a police officer stops him.
"I see you have some knives in your trunk. Why?" The officer asks
"I'm a magician, I juggle them in my act."
"Prove it. Get out of the car and juggle them right now."
So he gets on the side of the roade and starts juggling the knives. A man from out of state passes by and remarks:
"My, the sobriety tests in New York sure are hard."

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

RUSSIAN PEASANT: Do you come in peace?
COSMONAUT: No, I come in Vostok capsule.

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

What is white, has four feet and if it fell on you from out of a tree, it could kill you?




A refrigerator.

------------------------------
What is green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from out of a tree, it could kill you?




A snooker table.

-----------------------------
How can you tell if there is an elephant sleeping in your bed?




It will have the letter "E" embroidered onto its pyjamas.

-------------------------------
Why do elephants in the jungle paint their balls red?




So that they can hide, up in the branches of cherry trees.

---------------------------------
What causes the loudest noise in the jungle?



Giraffe eating cherries.

SECRETARY: Ambassador Bukhspksplodjps from Pluto is here to see you, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: How do you spell that?
SECRETARY: P-l-u-t-o, sir.

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Q: What goes ha, ha, thump?
A: A man laughing his head off.

__________________

Alllo.....Alllo. Amusing experiment; fun with animals .


How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the dammn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b@@&*rd's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.


Cats can, at times, be unco-operative.

Happy days,
Dan

Here's something:

The Tour Bus

A tour bus crashes and everyone is standing at the pearly Gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells all of the hen-pecked husbands to come and stand on his right. All of the men go to St. Peter's right except for one man. St. Peter asked him why he didn't move to his right and the man said that his wife told him not to.

Astronaut: Our oxygen tank has ruptured and we only have 59 seconds of air left!
Mission Control: Can you hold on a minute...

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Research is important.

A Stanford medical research group advertised for participants in a study of the obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying. They got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

Have a laugh. Life is short.
Dan

What disease did the crew of the Enterprise come down with?
Chicken Spocks!

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

Last November there was a report in our local newspaper that the police had caught two teenagers acting suspiciously at the back of a shopping mall. One was caught eating fireworks and the other was caught drinking battery acid.

The case was bought to court……. But!

The one eating fireworks was let off!
The one drinking battery acid was charged!

__________________
~~Phlash~~

Unknown objects are operating under intelligent control... It is imperative that we learn where UFO's come from and what their purpose is..."

Admiral Roscoe H. Hillenkoetter Director, Central Intelligence Agency 1947-1950

But one got a bang out of it, while the other just felt hollow inside.

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

What do you get when a dragon sneezes?



Out of the way


First mate to pirate "Why do you always wear red shirts?"
Pirate to first mate "Yar so if I am stabbed, me enemy doesn't know I am bleeding." Soon after the pirate ship was taken over by another pirate ship.
Pirate to his first mate "Yar, fetch me brown pants"

What's the worst birthday present Superman ever got?

Kryptonite underwear.

__________________
"If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Illuminati's Razor-The most complicatedly evil answer is usually the most correct answer. - Fazor
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg
"Distance doesn’t matter much in space, where if you just start a thing off with the right kind of shove, sooner or later it will get where you want it to go." -Frederik Pohl, Mining the Oort

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bottom of your garden."- Dr. Mike Inglis
Rovers forever! - ToSeek
"Carl Sagan sent a message to ET,
Neil Armstrong walked in the Sea of Tranquility
Steve Squyers built Spirit and Opportunity
Dan Haylen upchucked in zero gravity." -Brent Simon, The Space Camp Song

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold. He knows computers. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a minimum bill for a service call. As he was leaving, I asked "what was wrong?" He replied, "it was an ID ten T error". I asked "what is an ID ten T error"?

Harold grinned......."haven't you ever heard of and ID ten T error before"? "Write it down, he said, "and I think you'll figure it out".

So I wrote it down ......... I D 1 0 T error.

I used to like Harold.

Hmmmmmmmm........

The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion,
but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated
by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as
far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight
from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she
became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.

One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the
restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely,
slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and
left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The
enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one
of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to
tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"

Astronaut: My capsule just splashed down and it's filling with water!
Mission Control: Capsize?
Astronaut: Well, the one on my head right now is about 6 1/2...

__________________
"If you think the LHC will create black holes, you might as well believe Hobbits are at the bot