There are several threads where people admit frustration with being picked on, or pigeon-holed or treated like geeks/nerds - and how these things, which often happened in their childhood, continue to affect them as adults.

I can sympathize with these feelings, but also wonder why people allow themselves to be type-cast and then conform to the expected behavior or let the expectation of nerdiness depress them or lable them. (See e.g. the "Bullying" thread, or those dealing with "What do (members of the opposite sex) want" et. al.)

I can't address every situation in this post - but wanted to share my own experiences. The post is probably too long - but is offered as an example of how deciding to reinvent yourself, especially when done in conjunction with a move or a change of circumstances can help. It is a process, but one that with perseverence can help.

Bottom line: you can be who you want to be, not who people expect you to be. You just have to reinvent yourself.

... ... ...

As a young kid, I was diagnosed with a high I.Q.

In kindergarden - when I lived in Phoenix, one of my teachers told my parents I had a learning disability and behavioral disorder because I wouldn't sit still while she was teaching the class their letters and colors. The problem was, I could already read, and regularly read books, magazines and the newspaper - and thus was bored to distraction having to sit and try to do something so basic and below my skill level.

Nevertheless, I was a fairly popular little kid - especially considering we all came from the same socio-economic background. One problem was that I was also a pretty tall kid, so people expected me to act like an older child (apparently, that year I also got in a fight with a bunch of fifth-graders who thought I was a fifth grader, but 'playing like some kind of retard kindergardener' (I was 5 after all). Older kids and adults expected me to act my apparent age, not my actual age. Despite this, I liked, and felt that I was liked by the rest of my classmates.

When I was seven, my family moved to L.A. - to a house at the base of the Palos Verdes peninsula. My family was relatively poor (actually lower-middle-class) wheras many kids who lived on "the hill" or near the beach were (very) rich kids. I never fit in there. First off, due to my IQ I was placed in the AT classes, and thus placed with the other 'nerds.' From the second grade until the sixth grade, I got picked on by other kids who treated me like a nerd or goof-off (I tried too hard to be liked). I fought back, but was often out numbered and too skinny to be effective (I was growing like a weed, and thus commensurately awkward - with poor hand-eye coordination = not good at team sports).

In the sixth grade, I'd finally had enough. I got in several fights and won all of them. If I was jumped by two or three boys, I would fight hard until the fight was broken up. Later, I would find each boy individually and smack him down hard. Kids pretty much quit picking on me physically. But I was still considered a brain, a nerd and a goof-off.

In the seventh grade (not all of my decisions were smart) I decided to quit being a 'brain.' Thereafter I quit doing any homework and started a trend that has lasted through adulthood: I got by with "C's." I'd get "F's" for no homework, but "A's" on the tests = "C" average. This pretty much got me through highschool & college (although my post-grad work was always written or tested, with no homework; thus the trend eventually worked out well for me.)

Nevertheless, despite my attempts to become 'cooler' I was already pigeonholed with my peers. I was hopeless with girls. I didn't get invited to the rich kids' parties, etc. I did enjoy a small group of friends who surfed and skiied, another to play D&D with, and some who liked music - but was never part of the 'cool' crowd. I valued these friendships more, however, because I felt my friends were "real" rather than focused on being 'cool' or 'popular.' Nevertheless, I was still treated/pigeonholed as pretty much one of the loner/outsider/nerd kids in my school.

This changed after I got kicked out of my first highschool (for running a gambling ring & games like "Gotcha" or "Assassin" -- this was WAY before Columbine...).

When I showed up in the new school, the kids took me as I presented myself (At 16, I was a LOT more confident and at 6'5" looked like an athlete, which may have helped - even though I played no team sports). I found myself accepted by the cool kids, but having learned the value of "real" people maintained friendships only with those who treated other people with respect. I found that I could hang with the 'band geeks' 'theater nerds' and 'long-hairs,' just as easily as I could with the football team and cheerleaders and student council kids. I learned how to talk to girls without choking up (previously I'd been awkward and embarrassed, knowing I was one of the geeks asking out a pretty, popular girl). Essentially, I became a social chameleon - able to relate to anyone I chose to. It was an eye-opening experience. To this day, I credit getting kicked out of my high-school as one of the best experiences of my life.

I continued this trend in college, the Marine Corps and in my professional life. With each new opportunity, I found I was more able to be who I wanted to be, rather than who I thought people expected me to be. I never let people pigeonhole me as a geek or nerd (even though I am one!). I decided who I would be.

The whole point of this (oh, so long) post is to encourage some folks who feel an inability to change their social status. I firmly believe you can. It's not easy. It takes dedication and time. Changing your environment makes it even easier.

The other thing you have to do is 'let the crap go!' Forgive yourself and those who treated you badly. Forget the past slights. Decide to be who you want to be, and act like you already are who you want to be. You will find that people treat you like you present yourself.


Anyway, this is what I did. It may not work for you (those few who still struggle with this). I hope this helps (someone).

__________________
Talent develops in quiet places, character in the full current of human life.
- Goethe

Jump in with both feet!
- Me, indulging my inner eight-year-old

*** *** ***

"Are you a mad-hatter that just types what he wishes, or have you actually any physics training?"
Occam's Ghost to Grant Hutchison.

I can relate to where you are comeing from and the schooling is a bit different in the UK.
I started school a year too early and had no problem keeping up with the other kids and began to race ahead of them, but my problem was I had a different name and was quiet and shy. this led to being bullied a bit and got worse when I went to senior school at 11. I wasnt classed as a nerd but different and a swot, but I enjoyed the company of the nerdy pupils who were older than me. I was always asking questions and they were great friends and they didnt give me grief about being different.(different as in what I was interested in as a girl, chemistry ,science,biology and engineering) The school I went to wanted us girls to learn Home makeing and needlework which I could already do and wasnt interested in, they didnt encourage the sciences until I was in my last year and I did manage to push to get the classes I wanted.It wasnt until I was 17 I began to become me,not that wierd kid from outside the village! At college and my confidence grew and I started to find the opertunities to study the sciences and was helped to become a Orthodontic Technician/Dental Tech. I really wanted to follow Forensic Science but it was a total nono for girls! I also wanted to persue my engineering interests, again nono as I was a girl! I didnt give up and it was the Army that gave me the oportunity to do this and that was real boost to me, character building, interesting and soul warming, physically challenging everything thrown at me I could do and really enjoyed doing. I still look back and smile at the good times and have brushed away the bad things from when I was a gangly, geeky, wierd/different kid.
I accept me as me and if no one else can then the truth is they are the ones looseing out!
I do wish a times that I was a youngster at school today as there really is a great big world more at their fingertips and so many excellent opertunities just waiting to be taken.
The rest of my life would make a interesting book happy and destroyingly sad but I pick myself up stick out my chin and take on another day! Gone is the weak kid!

__________________
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.

Varium et mutabile semper foemina.

Sorry the computer had a fit!!

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Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.

Varium et mutabile semper foemina.

Actually, I think it was the BAUT software or server throwing a fit. There are a lot of multiple posts happening. I did one, too.

Same here

__________________
"The beauty of that discussion of averages is that you don't have to be an expert in Apollo or in photography in order to see where this time study "analysis" breaks down. You just have to be, well...not an idiot." -JayUtah

I am so sorry to hear that. How did your parents handle the news?

As long as it makes you happy and you felt comfortable with the new you. All worked out well in the end. I was kind of an outcast in my first school, poor kid in a very rich school. I brought a lot of negative attention onto myself by dressing rather odd. Not the cool goth chick kind of odd, or the sassy Pretty In Pink kind of odd. More like the wearing oversized boxershorts over thermal pants, big baggy socks, and oversized sweatshirt, and my grandfather's fishing hat kind of odd. It wasn't the teasing about my clothes or not being accepted that got to me, it was the vicious rumors that they would make up, about me. Having to cut my hair because I can't get the gum out, or getting a love note in my locker, knowing it was a set up. Those things hurt. However, I did have the friends that counted. I had the friends that would make fun of what I was wearing but still accept me and stand by me no matter what.
When I moved, I tried to reinvent myself by changing my name. Instead of going by the second half of my full name, as I have been called all my life, I told all these new people to call me by the first half of my full name. The problem was, I didn't recognize it when I heard it. It was all shattered when my sister moved back home and decided to finish out her senior year at my school. She blew it! She told everyone my common name, so I gave up, went back to the old me, and as a result, ended up with a circle of friends exactly like the ones from my home town. Some of them, I still talk to on a regular basis. For me, just being the me I have always been worked out better. I guess it's a one person's meat is another person's poison situation.

DyerWolf- EXCELLENT POST!

closetgeek- you're terrible and I hope all your children are highly intelligent as well.

Cheers Big Don and Larry J, I thought my computer was having a tantrum again.
Closetgeek I think you rock!!! Im a bit Gothic and Dark, the scairy thing is I look exactly like Abby in NCIS but I wasnt at school. I was boyish and gangly!
My oma used to send coats and boots for us in the winter from Germany, this wasnt a problem until we got german tank parkers to wear and the bullying thing exploded. This was because I was a bit different and the other kids cottoned on that my first name was german. I took the beating and the vandelism of my books and locker until I was in the last year and I just decided I had had enough so I beat the hell out of the ring leader in front of all the teachers haveing their afternoon tea. I was then taken to the heads office and given six of the best (the cane) and told to apologise, which I didnt and refused to as I wasnt sorry. I explained why I did it and the headmaster sent the girl home and actually said to me all the teachers had asked why I hadnt stood up for my self before, I had been afraid of the lasses as I had watched them fight in packs. My nerdy mates had told me to get the ring leader alone when I was strong enough and her buddys werent around,it took five years of hard knocks to get me there. I still dont regret it.
I can still be maus like, but most of the time I am just me, confident and strong and mad as a hatter in the right company! The goth came eventually, when the bike bug got me!!

__________________
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.

Varium et mutabile semper foemina.

I was never in with the "popular" crowd, but not really picked on by them either. I mean, occasionally there'd be the "jock" that would try to say something, but not very often. I'd say I own the middle ground--I get along with everyone...and I did in highschool aswell. I could talk to the stoners and goths, the intellectuals, the jocks (though I avoided them for the most part) and anyone inbetween.

That's not to say I wasn't as socially awkward as the next guy... if a girl was in the room the "QUICK! MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A MORON! AND FORGET THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TO BOOT!" button kicked in. I actually never dated in highschool (though found out later that there were a lot of really hot girls who dug me...damn my lack of observation skills!!!! ). But I never had problems with people.

I was in one fight...it was with someone who was a friend, and walked home every day with me and my best friend and another friend. Well, one day for no apparent reason he wanted to fight me...but that triggered the three-v-one scenario in my favor. Anyway, quit talking to him after that...never knew what in god's name started it...but ended up in class with him a few years later in Highschool, and we got along like old friends. *shrugs* He's a good guy...just a weird day I guess.

Anyway, I'm pretty much the same way (socially) now as I was then. Slightly better with girls...but not much.

__________________
I'm like one of those idiot savants...well, except for the savant part.

"A long time ago, yet somehow in the future"

Judging by your avatar- I can only assume you are a real ladies man.





* ( Don't tell your lady I said that )

Meh. That and $3.50 will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks!

The hardest part (growing up) was knowing I was smarter than my teachers, but not giving any credence to tact, emotional maturity and/or experience. Looking back, I was kind of a snot* for many years.

I recently read an excellent article in SciAm, recommending parents 'praise their child's hard work, rather than their intelligence.'

(Emphasis added).

The thing that leaped out to me about this article was the following composite:

Pretty close to my own experience!

It took me many years to learn that being smart isn't everything. It was hard for me to realize (as a kid) that people respected performance more than potential. To this day I struggle with completing routine tasks (which I find boring) in a timely manner, but excel at difficult problems many people hesitate to tackle. My current goal is to develop a good balance between completing the routine as well as proving my 'brilliance' by coming up with creative solutions to difficult problems.

Also, while I enjoy being around smart people, I've learned that I really like being around nice, fun people. When I can find (someone like my wife) who is smart, nice and fun (as well as smokin hot)... Well I married her. Anyway, I tend to value (and make friends with) people who are nice, and fun, and dependable, and (sometimes even) smart.




*Sometimes I hate the language filters! Insert the correct 4-letter word by replacing the middle two letters.

__________________
Talent develops in quiet places, character in the full current of human life.
- Goethe

Jump in with both feet!
- Me, indulging my inner eight-year-old

*** *** ***

"Are you a mad-hatter that just types what he wishes, or have you actually any physics training?"
Occam's Ghost to Grant Hutchison.

Neverfly Umm...ouch?

,

Fledermaus <giving you the Slayer sign> I had no idea of the show you mentioned, so I looked it up, and I am assuming that you are referring to the pretty one with the jet black hair <thumbs up>. You are so lucky, though, my mother wouldn't even let me leave the house with black nail polish, forget about the rest of the look.
See the bike bug had me, but shifting poses a problem with an artificial left foot (not a sob story, just a fact of life), Hondamatics are a bit on the pricey side, and that's emphatic no to the suicide shifter. I did have a friend promising to make me an automatic Ninja but he turned out to be the only person on the planet that dreams more than I. I just learned about the double pronged shifter, so you just kick back to go up, which gives me new hope. Somehow I doubt it would be as safe shifting gears the way I do on the quads, just reaching down and doing it with my hand. Eh, I am quite content riding on the back.

Dyerwolf Nope, can't says that I ever had that problem...but the point of the article never dawned on me. My kids, all three of them are intelligent, I wouldn't say gifted or smarter than their teachers, but generally score at the top of their classes. My oldest, as of late, has been having a hard time in school, with her classmates, and to keep her confidence up, I am always praising her intelligence. That is definitely a helpful article

A joke since you pitied him for an intelligent child.

I notice that the original post didn't really explain HOW you're supposed to be able to change yourself or exactly what traits were being changed... but the more interesting question is WHY. If you want to change or decide that you need to change or should change, that must mean that you believe there's a problem with yourself to fix...

Oh, lol, I had never heard anyone use the phrase "I was diagnosed with a high IQ. It sounded a bit tragic.

.

You know what was the first nail in my coffin, at my new school? I think it was my second week there and my science class was so out of hand (btw it was the funnest class ever!) that my science teacher cancelled the yearly rafting trip. In the middle of his rant, the teacher said, "...the worst part about it is you guys ruin it for the good students like [closetgeek] and Sebastian..." I was quiet because I was new and he was quiet because he was from Argentina and spoke very poor English, absolutely adorable too. We just kind of looked at each other like 'well there goes any hope of a social life, this year.'

With proper care and counseling I suppose they could have dumbed him down

Certain NEws Stations could be used to that end as well.

I am surprised public schooling didn't do the trick