The Caftle In Rochefter

It was built by one Mr. Roger M Puppletin in honor of his beloved wife Mrs. E. Helen Bakeridge. They moved from the old country of Inkurland, both from wealthy families and used to riding ponies early in the morning while drinking tea from the Far East of Darker Spain. They had a drunken garden but no one is quite sure where it got off to except that it left a mysterious note: "Ingrideed bom bomsternin". No attempts at translation have succeeded.

Their eldest son, Markis Glastonburrysil, theorized that the drunken garden was, indeed, drunk at the time and was reciting the message. To this end his nearest guess was that it is now somewhere in Iceland enjoying the hot springs. Attempts to contact it have failed.

The turrets of the house were a special feature designed to impale any of the dragon-kind that might wish to invade the castle. Details on their effectiveness are hard to come by as very few dragons invade castles in Rochester anymore but a rare book entitled "Dwarbeed and the Farkstarklers of Triumph" sheds some light onto dragon-impaling turrets: "Dragons killed by turrets in the Nordweft Rochefter Fextant: 3"

Upon the deaths of Mr. Puppletin and Mrs. Bakerige, both departed due to misadventure with a pie and some copper yard ornaments, the estate was auctioned off to pay future taxes on back yard swimwear fashion shows.

Markis Glastonburrysil took over the estate and the family business in 1896. He had an extra basement added to the attic of the now-famous mansion and renamed his pet wormhole Ndguphabrink, citing confusing personal history of Ndguphabrink (previously known as Scartlewubfutter) with that of peanut butter.

Markis fell ill whilst trying to free a lion from a tree and was survived by his estranged two-thirds wife, who had earlier moved to Arrogantzistan for unknown reasons.

In 1985 the estate was sold to a famous punk band, The Screaming Asinine, who were suddenly rich due to their hit song "Stab me with a steak knife (and rock)".

Nuts Part 1 (of 3)

The cashew, really, is the king of nuts. At the very least the eldest prince, heir to the throne, a strapping young lad with glittering eyes and wicked sense of humor that makes the ladies go all weak-in-the-kness giddy.

Brazil nuts are, on the whole, nearing critical mass and thus are not to be trusted. Each contains 1,892 calories per serving, which is 1/4 of the whole nut. It has been rumored that Jupiter lacked a brazil nut and thus merely became a gas giant rather than a star.

Peanuts, as one might suspect, are the peasants of Nutland. They more or less rarely shower, farm the land in fiefdom, and are likely to die prematurely of dragon fire or a crusade.

Pecans, by very nature, are from the Far East. Also known as Connecticut. Many settlers, setting out from the Albino Mountains of Utah, headed to Connecticut in search for the glorious and legendary pecans. Unfortunately all the pecans that existed were harvested to extinction in 1793 by a man named Juan Pierre Helmut. In the early 1900's a scientist cloned pecans from the stomachs of dead spaniards who had emigrated to france and then married their eldest daughters to german patriachs known particularly for their fine taste in leather shorts.

One must not forget walnuts. Known for their endurance in fires, walnuts are known as "the Joan of Arc" of nuts. In addition to being resistant to fire, walnuts also are resitant to teeth, stomach acids, rabid walrus bulls, and those annoying birds that **** on everything.



nuts part 2 (of 3)

Macadamias possibly pack the most flavor of any nut known to man. In this way they are much like badgers. There was once a rumor that macadamias are grown primarily in Hawaii but this is not the case. It has recently been disproven as a small and unknown island off the shore of the puddle in my parking lot was found to produce more macadamias per capita then any other part of the world.

Often overlooked as a true nut is the Coconut. Mostly it is overlooked when it falls from the tree and bonks you squarely on the head whereupon you also overlook your name, date of birth, sex, and have a tendancy to spontainiously go colorblind. Coconut is also used in the manufacture, distribution, and sale of Macaroon cookies - a known source of tetraflourocarbonate 108-24-111 isotopes. Coconuts also have been used sparsely throughout europe as equine replacements.

The most common nut to be roasted over an open fire are Chestnuts. This was not always the case as people also often roasted balls of mud over fires but this practice has fallen out of favor within the last century. Also within the last century, chestnuts have made attempts to conquer the moon, claiming it in the name of hard-shells around the world. The attempts all have failed as chestnuts have yet to master rocketry, though they are rather handy with a wrench.

Nuts - The Final Chapter

Let us first take a moment to cover and desribe various ways to crack open some of the harder shelled nuts.

For centuries decorative and functional nut crackers have been made throughout the world. This of course in response to the age-old question of how to crack open a nut. Coconuts, for example, require a sharp instrument (preferably a macheté, sword, large wooden spoon, piercing glances, or sheep) to break open. Walnuts, though difficult to open as well, require far less dangerous tools. They often succomb to berating dialogue about their mothers. The peanut, of course, is the whore of nuts and can be opened with the snap of a finger.

Some nut opening devices became stars of operas written by Tchaikov(w)sky. Clearly the man was deranged and obsessed with giant wooden soldiers that chomp, mercilessly, at unsuspecting and often innocent tree-borne sustanance.

On to the topic of the night: Nuts.

One must not forget to pay homage to the great Pistachio. There are two primary types of pistachios. The "natural" color of course is bright purple. When picked pistachios turn either red or beige, depending on how mad they are at the electoral process. Inside one will often find a green tint. This of course is due to leprosy. Pistachios were named after the great Vinny Pistachio of 16th century Florence, without whom none of the rennaisance would have had kickbacks, pasta, broken kneecaps, or episodes of the Sopranos. My brother once got pistachios stuck in the sockets of his freshly removed wisdom teeth. To this day the mention of the nut makes him barf. Texture the floor. Technicolor yawn. De-line his esophagus. Bite the acid bath. Shoot puree out his nose. Have a second go at tasting dinner. Forget peristalsis. Fark the woogy markingblingbootertab. Sex with bees.

Hazelnuts are a favorite nut of coffee drinkers and sane people alike. Used for its sweet flavoring and soft, sensual curves that make any man think very very bad thoughts, hazelnuts have been a delicacy since they were invented by pigmies that were stranded at sea for 32 days before finally dying of drug overdoses. Several chocolatiers include whole or half hazelnuts in their chocolates but this doesn't hide the fact that elves make chocolate. For some strange reason, hazelnuts are also known as "filberts". Filbert himself has yet to coment on this but as he looks remarkably like a hazelnut, it is easy to see where the confusion takes palce.

The last nut we will talk about is the pine nut. Pine nuts, as their name implies, come from pine trees. Pine nuts have grown on every continent in america since the beginning of Friends. Essence of pine nuts are used in Pinesol so I suggest you drink some right now. A little known fact is that pine nuts are used as a major compenent in pesto. Also they are used to mark the outline of virgin sacrifices to the god, Arbudallama, an ancient Mayan god known for his anger, mistrust, greed, and height (he was 4'3"). This, I feel, says something about pesto.

__________________
---"Why do things have to suck so bad?" a friend once asked me.
"Because space is a vacuum and that's a lot of suck." I replied.
(Actual quote)---

Stories, short or long, should make sense. Yours

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Any day you wake up on "the right side of the dirt" is a good day.

T. Anderson

Forgot the credit[s]:
Nuts
by Adam Schaefer...thought this thread might be comprised of BAUTers' original tales.

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And that is me - I thought my name was in my profile but it isn't. Also my avatar is from my 35mm series on various social pages. The original is sitting in my slides container at home. Waiting for a re-scan once I color correct my scanner profile.

Anyway I'm Adam.

__________________
---"Why do things have to suck so bad?" a friend once asked me.
"Because space is a vacuum and that's a lot of suck." I replied.
(Actual quote)---

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Not sure how to take that.

__________________
---"Why do things have to suck so bad?" a friend once asked me.
"Because space is a vacuum and that's a lot of suck." I replied.
(Actual quote)---

Oh---the fact you are the author; this very thread title and the idea of presenting our Forum members' original compositions occurred to me last night and was "shocked---shocked, I say" this morning to find you'd beat me to it.

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Ah okay. Yeah hey either add yours in here or start a thread of your own! I think we're all so busy with theories and such we forget to just freak out and write something goofy sometimes.

__________________
---"Why do things have to suck so bad?" a friend once asked me.
"Because space is a vacuum and that's a lot of suck." I replied.
(Actual quote)---

Very good. Welcome to the Monkey House.

You might try your hand at Amazing Untrue Records, or perhaps the ongoing philosophical discussion in Should Nervous People be Allowed to Play Tennis?

There was a thread, Amazing Untrue History, but it has become... historical.

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The Devil offered me power. I told him I preferred aperture.